Goodbye To Joe And Steve Options

[CritzyJ]

I'm so glad to have found this website and the opportunity to grieve along side others. Two days ago, I said goodbye to my two cats, Steve and Joe. Steve was 15 years old and had been diagnosed with kidney failure in April. Despite all our efforts with food, medication, and sub-Q fluids, his systems continued to shut down and his health was failing. Joe was 20 years old and had been diagnosed in June with a large cancerous mass in his chest that was pushing on his trachea, making it hard for him to breathe. My husband and I decided that we didn't want to drag out their lives to the point of extreme suffering and wanted to let them go when they were still in moderate, but declining health. Even still, the decision was agonizing. I wanted them to tell me when they were ready and though their bodies were telling me, they themselves were not. They still socialized and wanted to eat, so I just wasn't sure how to make the decision. Then on Wednesday, they both told me they were ready. It was clear that the time had come, so I let them go.

I thought the letting go part was going to be the hardest, but now two days later, I realize that the real pain comes in the unfolding of memories and the absence of them which seems to scream it's presence throughout the house. My heart is absolutely broken. Yesterday I ordered some garden stones engraved with their names and four little paw print stones to put in the flower garden where they loved to sleep. When I clicked to confirm the order, it was like being punched in the chest. So final.

As I look through photo albums of the last 20 years, I find pictures of them sprinkled throughout the memories of our marriage and it occurred to me that that sprinkling was like they really were in our lives. Cats are kind of elusive and do their own thing and their presence is sprinkled throughout each day, each week, each passing year. In their older years, they were more home bodies and hung out with us and the dogs. Last night I cried so hard I could barely breathe and while I know the pain will eventually lessen, it's hard to believe it ever could. A part of me almost doesn't want it to lesson as that signifies a greater depth of letting go and I never want to let go.

So, I'm rambling and I'm going to stop now, but it feels good just to say it. Thank you for listening.

Jennifer

[moon_beam]

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me add my reassurance to you that what you going through is very normal deep grief. Grieving is both emotional and physical, and the physical symptoms you are experiencing - - inability to concentrate, living in a fog, uncontrollable emotions, lack of appetite, etc., - - are all a part of the physical symptoms of grieving. It is good that you are keeping yourself nourished and hydrated as best as you feel up to it, for you can easily become dehydrated during the grieving process which can lead to needing emergency medical treatment.

It is hard keeping what I call the "public face" on when you feel the grief emotions swell and all you want to do is just cry or scream or crumple onto the floor. I remember so well the driving into work and sobbing - - gut wrenching sobbing, and being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to gain some measure of control over myself so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. And then when I got into my car to drive home the floodgates of sobbing would burst open. You are right when you share with us "I have decided that embracing grief is the only way through it." I promise you it will not always be this way, but until the minutes, hours, days, weeks are easier for you please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam