I Lost My Precious Alfie Options

[Anne Charlotte]

Hello everyone..I stumbled upon this site whilst desperately looking for some way to deal with the immensity of the pain that I know all of you have felt, and very probably are still experiencing today. My pain is so very fresh still and having that typical mishmash of feelings of guilt, agony, immense loneliness and relentless sadness, I know I am only just beginning a long, long grieving process. Last Thursday I had to say goodbye to my most precious Alfie after 15,5 years of devoted companionship. How cruel and unreal it seems to me that I will never stroke his soft white fur again, never smell him again, never again feed him his favourite home-cooked meal, never again watch him walk and sniff around the garden and never again massage his arthritis-plagued shoulders and neck which relaxed him so..!!

My sweet precious Alfie, if only you knew the enormous void you are leaving behind, my sweet boy.. And yet it was so painfully obvious that we had to let you go, that your life, even with all the love and care we continued to give you until the very end, had become a senseless, painful struggle for you. And I knew it would be selfish to let it drag on, the thought of you suffering in any way had always been my worst fear. Sweet Alf, you were so tired..I prayed for you to pass peacefully in your sleep. With a heart condition (Alfie had been on a heart -and water pill for over a year), nearly deaf and since a month completely blind (due to old age), my sweet Alf was surely tested. His vision had been diminishing rather fast in the last months or so (sadly there was nothing we could do about it), but I will never forget the shock and unspeakable sadness on that dreadful October 16th when he lost his vision completely. How heartbreaking that was, it was then that I first felt an enormous sense of loss. No longer could Alfie come to lie at my feet spontaneously as I was working at my desk, no longer could he trot behind me as he loved to do when I walked from the one room to the next. So very understandingly he turned within himself and became frightened to move about. We had to learn to touch him, stroke him in different ways so he wouldn't startle. My husband felt for him, just lying there for most of the day, and hesitantly brought up euthanasia. But after his initial shock and with lots of loving protection on our part, Alfie (I cooked for him every day and he never lost his appetite:) began to show clear signs of coming to terms with his situation: we took him for short walks on the leash and I spent all my free time with him, basically pampering him and giving him lots of love (I also massaged him every day). I chose to have him in the house non-stop which meant quite a bit of work as he had also become largely incontinent, poor thing. But when you love - really love - there are no limits to what you can do. And God knows I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for my precious, special Alfie.

Last Monday Alfie must have suffered a stroke, as I was walking him in the garden, I noticed his head tilted to the right and he could barely stand on his legs. My heart broke, and a voice inside said 'Anne, it is time to let go. He can't anymore'.
When the doctor confirmed that there was no hope and he'd only get worse I realized that having him put to sleep would be the most humane, loving thing to do. I had the vet come to our home as I wanted Alfie to sense the least possible discomfort or stress, and both my husband and I were there stroking him during that last farewell. However, the moment of his actual passing proved too much for me to emotionally bear and I came back minutes later to stroke and touch his lifeless body. I have been torn by feelings of guilt because of that, but my husband was there holding him and I console myself with the thought that I was there stroking him just before he drifted off in that sleep.

Alfie was given to me as a present (the cutest white fluffy puppy you can imagine) by my previous boyfriend shortly before we broke up. In a desperate attempt to save our relationship he took me to this huge pet store to let me select a pet. I immediately chose Alfie. Or was it Alfie who really selected me? Fact is, we have been inseparable ever since and only thinking of the countless moments of joy, sadness and simple everyday little things together, his devotion, loyalty and sweet playfulness..that tail wagging when sensing our presence even in his last difficult days, in short 15 and a half years of sharing, I know my life will never be the same without him.

Thank you my darling Alfie, you have made me a wiser, happier and more complete person.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Anne, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Alfie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Anne, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Alfie, and it is a very painful journey both emotionally and physically. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even six months - - for it is a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" - - and you will find your heart breaking anew.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Alfie share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Alfie continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will. His sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of you - - he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart, Anne. I can only hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as our forum correspondents have already shared with you, please let me affirm their words of comfort that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Alfie with us, Anne, and for sharing a picture of him. What a sweetheart he is!! He is so adorable and the expression in his eyes and on his face reflects the eternal love bond you share together. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Anne, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam