Heart Break . . . The Worst Kind Of Pain Options

[Treebyrd]

I would gladly accept physical pain of any kind over heartbreak. There are no pain killers for emotional pain. I feel that hurting myself (punching a wall, banging my head against a wall, etc.) . . . . would be a welcome distraction from the pain inside.

I lost my big, beautiful, red Bloodhound, my buddy, my friend, my gentle giant, my 5 year old baby....... 5 weeks ago. There are no words to describe what he meant to me and no words to describe the pain. There were no signs of anything being wrong. He was happy, healthy, up to date on all vaccinations, heart worm preventative, routine check ups. Nothing to indicate there was any kind of issue. I left Friday night July 6, for a family reunion in Rockford, IL, I was to return Sunday July 8, early evening. Silas passed sometime Saturday the 7th. I wasn't told until Sunday after my husband and son buried him. No body was looking forward to giving me that news so they waited until they knew the reunion was over and I was getting ready to come home. This was all done compassionately and gently. I wish however, that I could have had a necropsy performed to determine what happened. I am so distraught by his death but can't get past the what happened. It was extremely hot that weekend but I had to two swimming pools and three tubs of water with the water hose running into one of the pools. There was no sign that he struggled with stomach issues. No diarrhea, no vomiting. My sister was at my house refreshing their water at 8:00 a.m. Saturday. My husband was home and actually saw him playing about 6:00 a.m. Saturday. My sister doesn't remember seeing him when she gave them fresh water. This is very odd because they are in a fenced yard and he usually is right there when the water hose is on to stick his nose in the fresh tub of water. My husband left for the day to go take care of cattle and no one returned to the house until about 9:00 p.m. when they found Silas laying on his side, feet out, head in a normal position, mouth and eyes closed. Like he just laid down and went to sleep. Due to the condition of the body, the guess is that he had passed very early in the day which again tells me that it couldn't have been heat related. I have searched and researched, talked to vets, justanswer.com, medvet.com, ask a vet websites. The obvious answer is that there is no way to know for sure with out having done a necropsy. Possibly bloat or maybe cardiomyopathy or even anyurism. I left for basically one day 1:30 p.m Friday - 2:00 p.m Sunday and he's gone. Why did it happen on the day I was gone? What happened? Why did I not just skip the reunion . . . I thought about it numerous times but it was for just one day so I went and Silas died. I did (as I do every time I leave) tell all my puppy dogs and kitties goodbye. I give them big hugs. I did so this time but I don't feel like I spent enough time saying goodbye considering what happened. I do and I don't want to know if he suffered or if it was instant. I have so many unanswered questions and so confused. I don't expect answers, unless someone might have had a similar experience with their dog. I just felt like I might feel better if I put my feelings and story in writing. Not Yet . . . but maybe soon.

Thanks!

[moon_beam]

Hi, Treebyrd, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer some words of encouragement to you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share: "Sometimes I think it's getting easier but then I hit a wall again. I've not been the same since loosing Silas. I feel like everything is gray. There is no color in the world. The things I use to love ...I find no pleasure in. I really don't want to do anything and don't really want anyone around. I'm absorbed in my loss."

One of our Forum correspondents sums up what you are feeling in one of her topics, "just when I think things are getting better. .. . " This grief adjustment journey is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds that can make us feel like we are getting nowhere fast - - that we will NEVER know happiness again in our hearts and lives. Our lives truly are never the same when we lose the sweet physical presence of our beloved companions. How CAN they be the same? It is impossible.

When we embrace our companions into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe, and we surrender ourselves to them without reservation and without fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels, our lives are changed again. We are faced with the enormous agonizingly painful task of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes the sweet physical presence of our beloved companions. We literally have to find "new normals" that re-define the purpose of our lives. This takes time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in our own way and in our own time. It doesn't happen in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - but it does happen even though we are not aware of the progress we are making at the time.

The good news, however, is that eventually the deep seering pain of sorrow does ease. One day when we least expect it we do begin to notice the beauty of color again, and we do find a renewed interest in our world. The memories that once brought us pain now bring us pleasure, our lives once again are beginning to find a new purpose and meaning, and our hearts can once again feel the promise and the warmth of our beloved companion's eternal love.

When we are faced with the reality of losing another companion so quickly after experiencing one loss, this intensifies our grief. I am so sorry that you are enduring the Anticipatory Grief for your precious Basset Hound. I know you both are cherishing every moment you have together.

I wish there were some words I could share with you that would take all this sorrow from you, Treebyrd, but I know they do not exist. I can only hope the words I do share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey for your beloved Silas, and as you travel your Anticipatory Grief journey with your precious Basset Hound. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam