Heart Break . . . The Worst Kind Of Pain Options

[Treebyrd]

I would gladly accept physical pain of any kind over heartbreak. There are no pain killers for emotional pain. I feel that hurting myself (punching a wall, banging my head against a wall, etc.) . . . . would be a welcome distraction from the pain inside.

I lost my big, beautiful, red Bloodhound, my buddy, my friend, my gentle giant, my 5 year old baby....... 5 weeks ago. There are no words to describe what he meant to me and no words to describe the pain. There were no signs of anything being wrong. He was happy, healthy, up to date on all vaccinations, heart worm preventative, routine check ups. Nothing to indicate there was any kind of issue. I left Friday night July 6, for a family reunion in Rockford, IL, I was to return Sunday July 8, early evening. Silas passed sometime Saturday the 7th. I wasn't told until Sunday after my husband and son buried him. No body was looking forward to giving me that news so they waited until they knew the reunion was over and I was getting ready to come home. This was all done compassionately and gently. I wish however, that I could have had a necropsy performed to determine what happened. I am so distraught by his death but can't get past the what happened. It was extremely hot that weekend but I had to two swimming pools and three tubs of water with the water hose running into one of the pools. There was no sign that he struggled with stomach issues. No diarrhea, no vomiting. My sister was at my house refreshing their water at 8:00 a.m. Saturday. My husband was home and actually saw him playing about 6:00 a.m. Saturday. My sister doesn't remember seeing him when she gave them fresh water. This is very odd because they are in a fenced yard and he usually is right there when the water hose is on to stick his nose in the fresh tub of water. My husband left for the day to go take care of cattle and no one returned to the house until about 9:00 p.m. when they found Silas laying on his side, feet out, head in a normal position, mouth and eyes closed. Like he just laid down and went to sleep. Due to the condition of the body, the guess is that he had passed very early in the day which again tells me that it couldn't have been heat related. I have searched and researched, talked to vets, justanswer.com, medvet.com, ask a vet websites. The obvious answer is that there is no way to know for sure with out having done a necropsy. Possibly bloat or maybe cardiomyopathy or even anyurism. I left for basically one day 1:30 p.m Friday - 2:00 p.m Sunday and he's gone. Why did it happen on the day I was gone? What happened? Why did I not just skip the reunion . . . I thought about it numerous times but it was for just one day so I went and Silas died. I did (as I do every time I leave) tell all my puppy dogs and kitties goodbye. I give them big hugs. I did so this time but I don't feel like I spent enough time saying goodbye considering what happened. I do and I don't want to know if he suffered or if it was instant. I have so many unanswered questions and so confused. I don't expect answers, unless someone might have had a similar experience with their dog. I just felt like I might feel better if I put my feelings and story in writing. Not Yet . . . but maybe soon.

Thanks!

[moon_beam]

Hi, Treebyrd, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Silas' 3-month angel-versary.

Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of adjustment to the physical loss of a beloved companion is basically the hardest because it is filled with all the "first withouts" - - the first holiday, first vacation, first birthday, first anniversary- - and all the "this time last week, last month, last year" - - and our hearts break anew. It seems like every hour of every day is a heart-breaking reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us.

Please let me try to offer you some comforting reassurance that what you are going through is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. This grief adjustment journey does not reconcile in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - it is a journey that can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time.

Treebyrd, I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief journey, but unfortunately I do not know of any. But I assure you that each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here with you, for you, and beside you through every step of your journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Although "life goes on" - - bills get paid, jobs get done, laundry is washed, errands are done, etc. - - it is important that you allow yourself the opportunity to openly grieve for your beloved Silas as you feel comfortable doing. And do not be embarrassed by your emotions overflowing in public -- if someone asks you if you are alright you can just simply say that you have lost a beloved family member - - no further explanations are needed.

Thank you again for sharing your and your beloved Silas' 3 month angel-versary with us, Treebyrd. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Silas' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam