Heart Break . . . The Worst Kind Of Pain Options

[Treebyrd]

I would gladly accept physical pain of any kind over heartbreak. There are no pain killers for emotional pain. I feel that hurting myself (punching a wall, banging my head against a wall, etc.) . . . . would be a welcome distraction from the pain inside.

I lost my big, beautiful, red Bloodhound, my buddy, my friend, my gentle giant, my 5 year old baby....... 5 weeks ago. There are no words to describe what he meant to me and no words to describe the pain. There were no signs of anything being wrong. He was happy, healthy, up to date on all vaccinations, heart worm preventative, routine check ups. Nothing to indicate there was any kind of issue. I left Friday night July 6, for a family reunion in Rockford, IL, I was to return Sunday July 8, early evening. Silas passed sometime Saturday the 7th. I wasn't told until Sunday after my husband and son buried him. No body was looking forward to giving me that news so they waited until they knew the reunion was over and I was getting ready to come home. This was all done compassionately and gently. I wish however, that I could have had a necropsy performed to determine what happened. I am so distraught by his death but can't get past the what happened. It was extremely hot that weekend but I had to two swimming pools and three tubs of water with the water hose running into one of the pools. There was no sign that he struggled with stomach issues. No diarrhea, no vomiting. My sister was at my house refreshing their water at 8:00 a.m. Saturday. My husband was home and actually saw him playing about 6:00 a.m. Saturday. My sister doesn't remember seeing him when she gave them fresh water. This is very odd because they are in a fenced yard and he usually is right there when the water hose is on to stick his nose in the fresh tub of water. My husband left for the day to go take care of cattle and no one returned to the house until about 9:00 p.m. when they found Silas laying on his side, feet out, head in a normal position, mouth and eyes closed. Like he just laid down and went to sleep. Due to the condition of the body, the guess is that he had passed very early in the day which again tells me that it couldn't have been heat related. I have searched and researched, talked to vets, justanswer.com, medvet.com, ask a vet websites. The obvious answer is that there is no way to know for sure with out having done a necropsy. Possibly bloat or maybe cardiomyopathy or even anyurism. I left for basically one day 1:30 p.m Friday - 2:00 p.m Sunday and he's gone. Why did it happen on the day I was gone? What happened? Why did I not just skip the reunion . . . I thought about it numerous times but it was for just one day so I went and Silas died. I did (as I do every time I leave) tell all my puppy dogs and kitties goodbye. I give them big hugs. I did so this time but I don't feel like I spent enough time saying goodbye considering what happened. I do and I don't want to know if he suffered or if it was instant. I have so many unanswered questions and so confused. I don't expect answers, unless someone might have had a similar experience with their dog. I just felt like I might feel better if I put my feelings and story in writing. Not Yet . . . but maybe soon.

Thanks!

[Treebyrd]

It's now been a little more than three months since I've held my Silas and I wish I could say I'm good now. I still cry everyday, several times a day. I can't believe he's gone! I still look for him, listen for him ... I want so badly to hear his howl when I come home. While going thru pictures on my camera I found the last pictures I took of him. He's so beautiful and so alive! So young and healthy! How can he be gone?!?!?! I own a doggie daycare and every puppy dog that comes in reminds me of Silas in some way. My heart is not in my work and it should be. I love animals and have the greatest job but I don't feel happy. I feel jealous and extremely sad. I find reminders everywhere. Pictures keep popping up even though I try really hard to avoid them. My vet sent a reminder card with his name on it which brought me to my knees. I went to an antique store a few days ago and on a table, right as I walked in was an old comic type magazine with Silas Marner on the cover. Not since high school have I read the story of Silas Marner(which I named Silas after) and right there like a huge flashing sign, is my baby's name. I walk thru the antique store with tears flooding my eyes then face. I try to make sense of things. Why the reminders when I try so hard to avoid them? I returned yesterday from a week long trip. It was the hardest thing to come home and not be greeted by Silas. I was gone for a week and nothing bad happened. My 14 yr. old basset is doing great. Nobody died. I left for one day and I lost 5 yr. old, robust, healthy, full of life, Silas. Why? Why? Why? Why does that happen? Why the reminders? It's not like I will ever forget or like I don't constantly think about him anyway. I'm a person who tries to find logic, a reason for, an answer and I'm struggling with this. This event in my life that makes no sense and has no answers. I stare into emptiness, thinking of Silas and when someone asks me what's on my mind....I can't bring myself to tell them that I'm still hurting. There's nothing that can be said or done that would help anyway so I say nothing. The world didn't stop when I lost Silas so I've got to keep trudging on.