Dealing With The Loss Of My Beautiful Siamese Kitty Options

[jezebk]

It has been almost a month since I said goodbye to my beautiful Nimah and it really hit me hard this weekend. Nimah came into my life four years ago in June as a homeless 6week old kitten when she was dropped off at the vet clinic I was working at. I feel in love with her at first site and knew she had to come home with me. She was my constant companion through many milestones of my life: my final two years of vet school, my first two years of my pathology residency and my first year of marriage. She was my snuggle buddy, my sleeping companion, my study mate and my best friend. Every day I would tell her how much I loved her and how she was so important to me. I gave her all the love in the world, and in return, she loved me without fail.

I found out I was pregnant in June of this year and as a sweet gesture, my husband sent me flowers at the beginning of my second trimester. They say that pregnancy causes brain lapses and I believe this is true or I would have never brought the lilies into my house because I knew they were toxic to cats. I had never really had experience with it though and in the bliss of reaching my second trimester, I just forgot. I also forgot that my cat had one bad habit... to eat things she is not supposed to (hairbows, ribbons, leaves, etc etc). I kick myself for how many things could have been changed that one fateful weekend and my cat would still be here now. I should have known something was really wrong when I found vomit on the floor up on Saturday but since my cat has a history of eating things she shouldn't; she has a history of pancreatitis and I thought maybe she had eaten something and upset her gastrointestinal tract. She still seemed like her normal self. But I was in a hurry on the way to a work function and just cleaned up her vomit. If only I had looked closer at the vomitus, I would have seen leaves..instead I just saw something dark and figured/hoped it was just a hairball. When we got back that night, she seemed a little down but still herself and had not thrown up. But when she threw up multiple times in the night, I knew something was wrong. Sunday morning, I cuddled with her and again, she seemed normal but I was worried. I had a suspicion so I looked at the lilies that were downstairs on the table and sure enough, she had taken a munch out of several of the leaves. But even then, I just didn't realize how serious it was. I knew she needed to go to the vet and get fluids but as always, money is a concern (I am a vet but doing a pathology residency so I am not affiliated with any clinic and therefore don't really get a discount when i have to take my pet in). I eventually took her in to Banfield, which is open Sunday and realized how serious it was when they ran the bloodwork. Her kidney values were really high. I left her at the clinic for the day and transferred her to the emergency clinic overnight. It was the overnight ER doctor that really made it real for me. She told me that my cat's kidney values were really high and despite fluid therapy, she wasn't producing any urine. She was already in anuric renal failure and the prognosis is really poor. I left her at the hospital, praying that she would just start peeing again, and hardly slept through the night. In the morning I called the hospital to check on her progress...no changes. When I talked to the Internist, he was a little more optimistic but still said it didn't look good. I kept her at the hospital all day on Monday but by the end of the day, she still hadn't produced any urine despite fluid therapy and they had to lower the fluids because the fluid wasn't going anywhere and she was becoming overloaded. I knew there was no chance at that point in time and I could tell then that she was one sick kitty. But, she was still alert and curious anytime she was brought into the exam room and she still behaved almost like herself, at least initially. I couldn't put her down when she was like that so I decided to take her home one last night. It was heartbreaking but I needed a chance to say goodbye. She did get excited to see her carrier, however, once she got home, she just wanted to lay down. I put her on the bed and throughout the night she did cuddle up with me like she used to but I knew she was so sick. She didn't really want to be petted, just close to me. In the morning, she got off the bed and went to hide and I knew it was time. Putting her down is the hardest thing I have ever done and losing her has hit me harder than anything ever has. I know she is considered just a pet to other people, but she was my family and there for me in ways no other person could be. As I write this, tears are running down my face. I know I can't feel guilty about what happened but I do and I hate so much that she had to suffer the way she did. But the thing I hate the most is that this could have been avoided. She didn't have a terminal illness; she wasn't dying of old age. She was young, vibrant, and had many years ahead of her. I came to this forum/website because I am having such a hard time dealing with her loss. This should be an exciting time in my life right now but I am so sad right now. I know time will help and it has, but this still is tearing me up inside.

[LittleGirl's...]

{{jezebk}} I am SO sorry about your loss !

Moonbeam's words to you were beautiful and so true. I hope you take them to heart.

I just "came back" to this forum this past July when I lost my precious Dolly to the same thing! NIGHTMARE - and the vets do not know what actually caused it. I still question myself as to .. was it something I had in the house that she got into....... I know I can't dwell on that. Dolly doesn't want me to...

I recently moved, and now that I'm settled in (later than expected), I am back here and how strange that I immediately hit upon your story, with Nimah & Dolly having passed of the same thing.

You may be hearing from "Greta's Mom" - but in the meantime I want to pass on a poem that she shared with me that brought me SO much peace:

QUOTE (Gretta's Mom @ Jul 21 2012, 08:47 AM)

Good morning Kathy

I'm so glad you had the experience of your one-and-only soul-mate putting herself in your path and you two finding each other. I want to share with you a poem that LoveMyMickey wrote for me when I was feeling very guilty at having left my Gretta over night at the U of MN vet School hospital because I was too scared to take care of her at home. And that was her last night on earth. Alone all because of my cowardice. It was horrible.

I'm an old "folkie" and know many, many folk, blues and traditional gospel songs. After Gretta passed, I took our walks alone and to comfort myself, made up verses to these songs. My last two were to the tune of "Hobo's Lullaby" )best know in the Woody Guthrie version):

I'm sorry for the pain I caused you
All because I did not know
That you were sick and you were hurting
And that was why you walked so slow.

I'm sorry that I left you with them
On what would be your last night here.
Can you forgive me for that Gretta?
That's what my heart most wants to hear.

And beautiful, kind, amazing LoveMy Mickey (an LS sister) wrote two verses of Gretta's answer:

Oh mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong.
No matter where I was I felt it,
You're love for me was oh so strong.

Oh mommie, mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive. (This line has made me sob uncontrollably many, many times)
A life of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live.

May this lovely poem confort you as it had comforted me - even though the comfort always comes with tears. Dolly-cat is in the perfect World with Gretta, all her cousins, all the wonderful animals who've been honored on this site, all the animals who have passed with no one ot mourn for them and all the animals who gave their lives in the interest iof "Science."