I Miss My Girl., Horrible grief over decision to put to sleep. Options

[Lindsey]

I had my Penny girl put to sleep last Thursday. I am profoundly grieving for her. Much more than I ever thought I would be. Her health started declining at the beginning of August and it went so quickly. The first diagnosis was a Vestibular Event and then a few days later she had a seizure. She was then diagnosed with Canine Cognitive Disorder and a probable brain tumor. Due to her age, we opted not to do an MRI. We put her on Anipryl and saw some positive results. I woke up at 5:30 that day and found her in the middle of a horrible seizure. I don't know when it started but it continued for 30 minutes after I got in the floor with her. She was not able to get up after it like she had the others. I woke up my husband and told him it was time. We took her in about an hour later. Our vet made me step back when he was proceeding to give her the medicine (I think more for my sake) because I really thought I was going to try and grab her off the table. It happened so fast. Once he got it in I was able to hold her and within seconds she was gone. I stayed with her for a few minutes afterward and she looked so peaceful - better than I had seen her look in weeks.

I'm grateful that I had a few weeks to really love on her and tell her how much she meant to me. I feel like I will never be able to move past the guilt that I killed her

[Lindsey]

Thank you moon_beam.

I'm realizing today the severity of the seizure she had. I feel certain in my heart that even if she had been able to get up that day that she would have had significant brain damage. It was too severe and too long. When she managed to open her eyes she looked so sad. I'm not sure I will ever think it was the "right" thing but maybe the "best" thing for that day. I'm also realizing that I never could have made that choice had I not loved her so much and I'm finding that comforting.

I've been praying almost constantly for signs that she is okay and at peace. Tonight while my daughter and I were walking our other dog, a feather kept floating around us. I'm normally not big on signs but when it fell at my feet I picked it up and brought it home. Miles was a puppy when we rescued Penny and she has been his loyal friend for 8 years. Miles hates birds. He cannot stand them to be anywhere near his house and barks and chases them. Penny loved to annoy Miles. I thought it was pretty fitting she might choose to send us a feather to say her spirit is near

I think I will miss her forever but I also am realizing that I let her go out of pure love and respect and I'm grateful I had a couple of weeks to mentally prepare and tell her all about all of the wonderful joy she's brought to my life.