My Sweet Kaia Options

[Kaiasmom]

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow morning that I lost my sweet Kaia. She was only 4 years old, would have been 5 in July. My mom and I adopted her and her older sister Kona at 8 weeks. My whole life revolved around them, I always wanted to be home with them rather than anywhere else. They have always been healthy and I've been vigilant to make sure they were happy and healthy. I didn't walk them as much as I probably should and that's where tragedy struck.

2 weeks ago it was supposed to be hot in the afternoon. Kona gets overheated easily, so I decided to take them for a walk in the morning before I fed them. Kaia seemed fine, I let them out before I did a 15 min workout, then watched a little tv. Kaia was pawing my arm to feed them, they were so used to a 6am feeding, but I wanted them to get some exercise so I decided to take them for a short walk to a park right behind our neighborhood. I told my mom we'd "be right back" (never should I say those words again). The walk seemed to be going well and when we got to the park the sprinklers were on in one of the baseball fields, so I thought it would be fun to let them play for a minute. Right before we got to the baseball field they went to smell something in the grass, I called them away from it but Kaia put her head up that she had eaten some of it. They had done it sometimes so I didn't really think it was going to be a problem. Well, we got to the dugout part, I took Kona off her leash and she ran for the sprinklers. I next took Kaia off her leash and she ran too, but then she disappeared. When I turned to look for her less than a minute later, she was on her side about 15 feet away having a seizure (she had never had one before) and by the time I got to her she was unconscious and not breathing. I freaked out and called my mom to bring the car, she was still in bed so it took a few minutes. I even called 911 but they couldn't help. I tried CPR, breathing through her nose, but later realized I was doing it wrong I tried picking her up to carry her to car but had to keep putting her down she was so heavy and all wet. Thankfully my mom noticed a woman jogging by and stopped her to help me carry her to my mom's car. We drove as fast as we could to an emergency vet, me trying to do my CPR all the way. The emergency vet intubated and medicated for over 15 minutes but couldn't get her to respond. They found fluid in her lungs and vomit in her throat and gave an educated guess that it was an anaphlaytic reaction to a bite or bee sting. They talked about an autopsy but also said it might not find something so we didn't do it. The amount of time between me letting Kaia off the leash and her dying was less than a minute.

We went into a room to say goodbye and brought Kona in with us so that she could sense her sister had died and wouldn't be searching for her at home. Later that night we talked to our regular vet who agreed with what the emergency vet said and also told us to remove Kaia's crate from the house and wash all the bedding so that Kona would not smell her and think she was back. Our vet said that for her death to be that instant it must have happened inside her mouth and gone straight into a blood vessel. My only comfort is that Kaia went quickly, with hopefully no pain and she was doing something she liked when she died.

I have been having the hardest time dealing with the death of my baby. It was so very sudden and so random. I have guilt for even taking them for a walk that morning. If I had just followed our regular routine we never would have left the house and she would probably still be here. I have been overcome with crying all the time and can't seem to stop. I feel nauseous most of the day and haven't eaten much. I'm not sleeping very well. I'm trying so hard to be strong for Kaia's sister, but I see Kaia everywhere inside and outside of my house. She never left my side. If I moved an inch, she would get up and follow me. She cuddled with me, kissed(licked) my face all the time, played fetch with a ball/frisbee all the time, jumped in my lap, helped with my grief over the death of my cat two years ago, slept next to me to the point she was laying on me or pushing me to edge of the bed. There are so many memories and all of them hurt to even think about. I know it will get better with time and until today I thought I was getting better.

Kona was so used to having her sister around, they played and roughhoused so much and now that's not happening. Kaia was the alpha and made sure she was the center of attention. She would steal toys away from Kona inside and they would sometimes get so into their playing that I would kick them outside and they would chase each other around and come back breathing so hard, I loved watching them play and now I feel so bad Kona doesn't have that anymore. She seems fine otherwise, eating and sleeping but it's the loss of companionship I worry about.

Thanks for listening/reading. I've never been so sad about anything before.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, there comes a point in our grief journey where we do feel "stuck". I am so sorry you had those comments made to you, the first one from the woman in the park ""isn't it so much simpler with one dog?"", and then by your step-mom, ""if you can't get over losing an animal after 6 weeks, then maybe you shouldn't get anymore animals. You know they don't have long lives."" Even though you take what she says with a grain of salt the words are still piercing and insensitive.

First of all, there is no "getting over" the physical absence of a beloved companion. Secondly, there is no real "acceptance" of the physical separation. The words "get over", "acceptance," "closure", "moving on", etc., became the grief lingo during the 70's with the inauguaration of hospice services in this country. Each of these words imply "forgetting" - - and there is no way in heaven or on earth that you will ever forget your beloved Kaia. This grief journey is instead one of ADJUSTMENT TO the physical absence of your beloved Kaia - - which can only be achieved one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time AND includes allowing yourself to cry your heart out even at 6 weeks, 6 months, 12 months - - and even occasionally the rest of your life when you think of your beloved Kaia. Twenty years from now there may be times when you're remembering her and you will feel a mist come to your eyes and a lump to your throat - - all while you're smiling. You and your beloved Kaia share a true and genuine relationship --one that endures through all time and all circumstances, and does not diminish just because your beloved Kaia is no longer physically with you. I assure you, Stacy, that the seering pain that is in you heart now will ease but you will ALWAYS have your beloved Kaia's eternal love and sweet Living Spirit with you through your continued earthly journey. There is no "getting over" or "moving beyond" or "closure" to LOVE.

As for Kona, she will take her lead from you, Stacy, about wanting a new playmate. YOU need to be ready for a new companion FIRST, Stacy. Then and ONLY THEN will you be able to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. No one else can make this decision for you, Stacy. Until you are ready, Stacy, you and Kona need this time to strengthen your bond together.

As for the routines, some routines will stay the same - - such as feeding and grooming and taking care of personal needs. However, taking a different route to and through the park (if possible) may be one way that you and Kona can establish a "new routine" for just the both of you. What about bedtime - - did Kona ever sleep with you in bed or does she sleep on the floor next to your bed? Sleeping together is a time of bonding, so you may want to find a way to spend some "bonding" time for you and your precious Kona in this way - - if not during the night then perhaps a nap during the day. You don't have to sleep necessarily, but just laying with Kona while she naps will aid with the bonding process. The two of you feeling your bodies close to together will be a comfort to the both of you.

I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, Stacy. If there were I would most certainly share it with you. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that you feel encouragement, support, comfort, and hope as you and your precious Kona travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Kona are doing, and for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly, and that your days forward will be peaceful. Please know you and your precious Kona are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you both are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam