My Sweet Kaia Options

[Kaiasmom]

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow morning that I lost my sweet Kaia. She was only 4 years old, would have been 5 in July. My mom and I adopted her and her older sister Kona at 8 weeks. My whole life revolved around them, I always wanted to be home with them rather than anywhere else. They have always been healthy and I've been vigilant to make sure they were happy and healthy. I didn't walk them as much as I probably should and that's where tragedy struck.

2 weeks ago it was supposed to be hot in the afternoon. Kona gets overheated easily, so I decided to take them for a walk in the morning before I fed them. Kaia seemed fine, I let them out before I did a 15 min workout, then watched a little tv. Kaia was pawing my arm to feed them, they were so used to a 6am feeding, but I wanted them to get some exercise so I decided to take them for a short walk to a park right behind our neighborhood. I told my mom we'd "be right back" (never should I say those words again). The walk seemed to be going well and when we got to the park the sprinklers were on in one of the baseball fields, so I thought it would be fun to let them play for a minute. Right before we got to the baseball field they went to smell something in the grass, I called them away from it but Kaia put her head up that she had eaten some of it. They had done it sometimes so I didn't really think it was going to be a problem. Well, we got to the dugout part, I took Kona off her leash and she ran for the sprinklers. I next took Kaia off her leash and she ran too, but then she disappeared. When I turned to look for her less than a minute later, she was on her side about 15 feet away having a seizure (she had never had one before) and by the time I got to her she was unconscious and not breathing. I freaked out and called my mom to bring the car, she was still in bed so it took a few minutes. I even called 911 but they couldn't help. I tried CPR, breathing through her nose, but later realized I was doing it wrong I tried picking her up to carry her to car but had to keep putting her down she was so heavy and all wet. Thankfully my mom noticed a woman jogging by and stopped her to help me carry her to my mom's car. We drove as fast as we could to an emergency vet, me trying to do my CPR all the way. The emergency vet intubated and medicated for over 15 minutes but couldn't get her to respond. They found fluid in her lungs and vomit in her throat and gave an educated guess that it was an anaphlaytic reaction to a bite or bee sting. They talked about an autopsy but also said it might not find something so we didn't do it. The amount of time between me letting Kaia off the leash and her dying was less than a minute.

We went into a room to say goodbye and brought Kona in with us so that she could sense her sister had died and wouldn't be searching for her at home. Later that night we talked to our regular vet who agreed with what the emergency vet said and also told us to remove Kaia's crate from the house and wash all the bedding so that Kona would not smell her and think she was back. Our vet said that for her death to be that instant it must have happened inside her mouth and gone straight into a blood vessel. My only comfort is that Kaia went quickly, with hopefully no pain and she was doing something she liked when she died.

I have been having the hardest time dealing with the death of my baby. It was so very sudden and so random. I have guilt for even taking them for a walk that morning. If I had just followed our regular routine we never would have left the house and she would probably still be here. I have been overcome with crying all the time and can't seem to stop. I feel nauseous most of the day and haven't eaten much. I'm not sleeping very well. I'm trying so hard to be strong for Kaia's sister, but I see Kaia everywhere inside and outside of my house. She never left my side. If I moved an inch, she would get up and follow me. She cuddled with me, kissed(licked) my face all the time, played fetch with a ball/frisbee all the time, jumped in my lap, helped with my grief over the death of my cat two years ago, slept next to me to the point she was laying on me or pushing me to edge of the bed. There are so many memories and all of them hurt to even think about. I know it will get better with time and until today I thought I was getting better.

Kona was so used to having her sister around, they played and roughhoused so much and now that's not happening. Kaia was the alpha and made sure she was the center of attention. She would steal toys away from Kona inside and they would sometimes get so into their playing that I would kick them outside and they would chase each other around and come back breathing so hard, I loved watching them play and now I feel so bad Kona doesn't have that anymore. She seems fine otherwise, eating and sleeping but it's the loss of companionship I worry about.

Thanks for listening/reading. I've never been so sad about anything before.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Stacy, thank you so much for sharing your heart-filled love letter to your beloved Kaia with us. Truly this grief adjustment journey is both an emotional and physical one, as so poignantly shared in your love letter. We live in a physically-oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound. When our companions come into our lives, we are literally bonded together not only in Spirit but also physically for every time they touch us they are imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us from all the other mililions of people in the world. When they precede us to the angels, this physical bond is now stopped and our bodies literally go through a "withdrawal" from their touch, from their scent, from their sounds. This is one of the many reasons why this adjustment journey is physically painful, as well as emotionally.

To help bridge the physical absence of your beloved Kaia you may want to hold onto something that belongs only to her - - her collar, a favorite toy, a blanket - - particularly when the deep sorrow seems more than you can bear. No, this will not stop the longing to hold her one more time in your arms, to feel the softness of her fur next to you, to hear the rhythm of her breathing when she's sleeping, to be able to look deeply into her soulful loving eyes - - BUT it can be a bridge to help you through this agonizingly painful adjustment. It's just a thought for whatever it might be worth.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us, Stacy. I hope today is treating you and your precious Kona kindly. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious Kona are doing, and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kaia.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam