My Sweet Kaia Options

[Kaiasmom]

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow morning that I lost my sweet Kaia. She was only 4 years old, would have been 5 in July. My mom and I adopted her and her older sister Kona at 8 weeks. My whole life revolved around them, I always wanted to be home with them rather than anywhere else. They have always been healthy and I've been vigilant to make sure they were happy and healthy. I didn't walk them as much as I probably should and that's where tragedy struck.

2 weeks ago it was supposed to be hot in the afternoon. Kona gets overheated easily, so I decided to take them for a walk in the morning before I fed them. Kaia seemed fine, I let them out before I did a 15 min workout, then watched a little tv. Kaia was pawing my arm to feed them, they were so used to a 6am feeding, but I wanted them to get some exercise so I decided to take them for a short walk to a park right behind our neighborhood. I told my mom we'd "be right back" (never should I say those words again). The walk seemed to be going well and when we got to the park the sprinklers were on in one of the baseball fields, so I thought it would be fun to let them play for a minute. Right before we got to the baseball field they went to smell something in the grass, I called them away from it but Kaia put her head up that she had eaten some of it. They had done it sometimes so I didn't really think it was going to be a problem. Well, we got to the dugout part, I took Kona off her leash and she ran for the sprinklers. I next took Kaia off her leash and she ran too, but then she disappeared. When I turned to look for her less than a minute later, she was on her side about 15 feet away having a seizure (she had never had one before) and by the time I got to her she was unconscious and not breathing. I freaked out and called my mom to bring the car, she was still in bed so it took a few minutes. I even called 911 but they couldn't help. I tried CPR, breathing through her nose, but later realized I was doing it wrong I tried picking her up to carry her to car but had to keep putting her down she was so heavy and all wet. Thankfully my mom noticed a woman jogging by and stopped her to help me carry her to my mom's car. We drove as fast as we could to an emergency vet, me trying to do my CPR all the way. The emergency vet intubated and medicated for over 15 minutes but couldn't get her to respond. They found fluid in her lungs and vomit in her throat and gave an educated guess that it was an anaphlaytic reaction to a bite or bee sting. They talked about an autopsy but also said it might not find something so we didn't do it. The amount of time between me letting Kaia off the leash and her dying was less than a minute.

We went into a room to say goodbye and brought Kona in with us so that she could sense her sister had died and wouldn't be searching for her at home. Later that night we talked to our regular vet who agreed with what the emergency vet said and also told us to remove Kaia's crate from the house and wash all the bedding so that Kona would not smell her and think she was back. Our vet said that for her death to be that instant it must have happened inside her mouth and gone straight into a blood vessel. My only comfort is that Kaia went quickly, with hopefully no pain and she was doing something she liked when she died.

I have been having the hardest time dealing with the death of my baby. It was so very sudden and so random. I have guilt for even taking them for a walk that morning. If I had just followed our regular routine we never would have left the house and she would probably still be here. I have been overcome with crying all the time and can't seem to stop. I feel nauseous most of the day and haven't eaten much. I'm not sleeping very well. I'm trying so hard to be strong for Kaia's sister, but I see Kaia everywhere inside and outside of my house. She never left my side. If I moved an inch, she would get up and follow me. She cuddled with me, kissed(licked) my face all the time, played fetch with a ball/frisbee all the time, jumped in my lap, helped with my grief over the death of my cat two years ago, slept next to me to the point she was laying on me or pushing me to edge of the bed. There are so many memories and all of them hurt to even think about. I know it will get better with time and until today I thought I was getting better.

Kona was so used to having her sister around, they played and roughhoused so much and now that's not happening. Kaia was the alpha and made sure she was the center of attention. She would steal toys away from Kona inside and they would sometimes get so into their playing that I would kick them outside and they would chase each other around and come back breathing so hard, I loved watching them play and now I feel so bad Kona doesn't have that anymore. She seems fine otherwise, eating and sleeping but it's the loss of companionship I worry about.

Thanks for listening/reading. I've never been so sad about anything before.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kaiasmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Kaia. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion suddenly intensifies the grief.

Kaiasmom, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with so many different emotions that usually overwhelm us all at one time that sometimes we think we are literally going insane. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are going through is very normal - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. One of the more difficult emotions associated with this grief journey is guilt, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile - - the "why did I's / didn't I's" can literally consume us. Please let me try to reassure you that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Kaia a happy and healthy earthly journey. There is NO WAY you could have possibly known that she was allergic to bee stings. Please believe me that there was NOTHING you could have done differently that would have made a difference - - for this could just as easily have happened in her own back yard. Your beloved Kaia KNOWS that you did everything that was in your power to help her.

When our companions come into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe as they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - feeding, grooming, medical care, emotional nurture, etc.. We believe that we will have a long and healthy and happy journey with them, and so we should, for if we had the foreknowlege of the circumstances that would physically separate us from them our hearts would be focused on the furture sorrow instead of the present joy they bring to us. Still, regardless of the circumstances, when they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the agonizingly painful task of re-inventing our lives without the sweet physical presence of our beloved companion. This is a very painful adjustment to make - - both emotionally and physically - - and it can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time, Kaiasmom.

The stress of grieving does take a toll on our physical bodies. Please know that the symptoms you are feeling are very normal - - lack of appetite which can include nausea, insomnia, inability to concentrate and focus, etc., are all normal symptoms of the stress of grief. It is very important for you to try to eat something - - if only a cup of broth several times during the day. It is very important that you do not become dehydrated which is very easily done in times of severe stress. Your body needs nourishment in order to deal with the stress - - for the stress also suppresses the immune system.

Kaiasmom, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. It is important that you find healthy ways to express your deep sorrow, and one of them is through crying. The tears you cry are literally healing tears as they release the toxins that build up in your body through the stress of grieving. So, let them flow as frequently as you need to, for as long as you need to. As Gretta's mom said in one of her responses, the tears we cry are like diamonds - - precious jewels that reflect the eternal love bond you and your beloved Kaia share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Even though your beloved Kaia is no longer physically present with you, her sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you. She continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. She is forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

And I promise you, Kaiasmom, that one day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Kaia and you will find yourself smiling -- - truly smiling - - and then you will know that the deep sorrow that is in your heart now is not so intense. You will once again be able to embrace the many wonderful memories of your beloved Kaias earthly journey with you, and your heart will once again fill with joy. And I promise you that no matter how much time continues with your earthly journey that you will NEVER forget your beloved Kaia. Some people are afraid that when the deep seering pain of sorrow eases this means they are forgetting about their beloved companion. Please let me try to reassure you that this is IMPOSSIBLE no matter how much time passes on your continued earthly journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kaia with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. One of the many things you need to remember during your grief journey is that you are never alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, Kaiasmom, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam