Please Help With This Unbearable Grief. Options

[ginosmom]

Gino was our beloved yellow lab. He loved everything - life, people, animals, food. He was happy. He was healthy. He was 9 years old.

While in Vancouver with my twelve-year-old son yesterday, Gino and my schnauzer Zeke (best buds) were in the care of my neighbor as they often are when we are out of town. We received a call when still5 hours driving time away that Gino was dead. The neighbor left for the store for 20 minutes and returned home to find Gino had suffocated inside a bag of cat food he'd gotten into. THere was no reviving him.

As we drove frantically home, I was hysterical and not believing what was said. I sent many people, including our vet, up to the house. All confirmed....Gino was gone.

Gino was my best friend. He has been by my side through the darkest times of my life. My divorce. So many things. He and my son grew up together from puppyhood and toddlerhood. He was full of life. He had two cruciate ligament replacement surgeries over the last 2 years, upwards of $10,000, to repair his blown-out knee joints. After each surgery, he was happy. He was like a new dog each time. He never complained about wearing a cone on his head or taking his medicine or limping. He was always just happy.

I had taken him to the dog park every day last week. He ran in the field and swam in the creek and rolled on his back in the grass. I promised to take him to the beach lots this summer, as I've been so busy with my work. THese are all now things we'll never get to do.

I don't understand.

I read through these grief pages and feel compassion for everyone who lost a pet, but what I read is of old pets and sick pets. Not my Gino. He was not old. He was not sick. He had so much life left to live. Why did this happen? WHy did I go away? Why did I leave him?

I DIDN"T EVEN GET TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. I didn't tell him I loved him. But I did. Oh how I did.

He was my friend. He kept me safe on the 12 acres of property I live on by myself. My other dog is still with me but nothing is the same. It will never be the same. Can anyone help?

Everyone says they can't imagine what I feel. That isn't helping. I need to hear that others have experienced this grief, this TRAGIC grief, this accident, and that life somehow moved them forward. I can't imagine.

Today we went to the vet's office where his body had been taken. I wasn't going to see him but I had to, to say goodbye. He had been wrapped in plastic and put in the freezer, covered in a blanket. I lay beside the mound of beloved dog that was no longer.......just the body, but the body of the dog I loved with all my heart. THe dog I could've been better to, could've done more for, could've appreciated more. I took for granted he'd always be here. I lay beside him and wept and said goodbye and said thank you. The body smelled badly. I wish I hadn't seen that or smelled that. That isn't my Gino.

Please help me and my son, anyone. Not by saying I have a right to feel sad or that you can't imagine my pain....but something, anytthing that will help. Thank you.

[jeffery]

First off...I am so sorry for your loss of Gino...my cat Finn died on thursday and the grief has been unbelievable...he was hit by a car...that he died so violently and his body was so mutilated made it even worse I think...there is no right or wrong way to mourn I think...just be natural with it and let it come...

As for signs...let me say that I am one of the most unspiritual people you will ever meet...I have just no feeling inside of me that anything comes after death...to me, when life ends, it is like an electrical current being cut off...

Yet yesterday something odd happened...I am a cyclist and hadn't been able to ride since thursday...usually I ride every day that I can...but I have been crying non stop since that morning...friends had been telling me to go out for a bike ride as they know about me and cycling and how important it is to me, to get out ect...so I forced myself to go out and went on a long ride of 40 miles or so...I found myself while riding of course thinking of my beautiful boy Finn and letting out screams...I couldn't do this in my house really with neighbors...but out in the country, I couldn't help myself from letting out long, gutteral, animal screams...

I am severely allergic to bee stings...and normally carry an epipen...I had thought of taking it when I left but to be honest couldn't have cared less what happened to me on my ride because of my grief...nor do I carry a cell phone when I ride in case of any emergency...at about the half way point of my ride, about 20 miles from my home, way out in the boonies...a bee flew into my open mouth while I was flying down a descent...and of course stung me in the back of the throat...I can assure you if you have a bee allergy, the very LAST place you want to be stung is the back of your throat as it is the most dangerous of all given how folks die from bee stings...to be stung anywhere can cause the throat to swell and you cannot breath...so to be stung actually inside your throat is a great danger...

I spit the bee out and rode a few seconds, images of Finn flashing in my head...and decided I had no choice...if this was the order of things and I was to die on the road like my Finn then I could do nothing and decided to accept it...not out of any desire wanting to die really...just the facts themselves as to what was going on, where I was...the whole combination...so I kept riding...I would rather die doing something I love anyhow, on my bike on the road...as Finn did of course with his outdoor hunting he was so obsessed with.

The odd thing is that I found I had absolutely no allergic reaction to the sting and was just fine...nothing at all...now, I have no idea if this was a sign from Finn...perhaps my adrenaline was so high from all that is going on that that protected me...the last time I was stung was two years ago and that too while was riding and then my head swelled up like a basketball...so I have no idea really...I would love to think it was Finn making sure it was not my time but I doubt it given my nature...but something certainly changed...