Struggling Options

[scott]

Hi all im new to this forum but i was franticly searching the internet for help regarding grieving.

I lost my beloved friend and family member a couple of days ago Wednesday 9th May, my beloved Tess. She was a Labrador/border collie cross. I dont like saying "pet" as she wasn't a pet, i even refused to put a collar on her as she wasn't my property, she was my friend. But i knew the day was coming and informed my parents to take her to the vets if she needed too without me knowing as i couldn't handle it and she hated the vets. My parents got her for me when i was 11 years old, i am now 26 so she was coming up 15 years old. Thats what makes it hard, i had her with me from a young age growing up with me through a lot of important stages in my life and now shes not here....

During her life she battled through cataracts, severely poor hearing later on, arthritis, and the worst when she was around 11, pyometra which resulted in emergency surgery and the vet said it was a miracle she survived and that she was a fighter. She fully recovered but recently became victim to old age, losing her balance every now and then, sleeping most of the day, walking around in the same pattern like she had dementia and began to lose control of her bowels by pooping in the house.

My parents took her to the vets Wednesday morning whilst i was still asleep and the vet said she was ready to go to sleep :'( I was told by my parents as i awoke and they had already done it and come home. I feel guilty that i wasn't there for her as she was my soul mate and i just know she would have been wondering where i was.

I have had her through most of my life and now coming downstairs, shes not there any more I wont even walk or stand in the area of the living room where her bed was. A weird and horrible thing im experiencing is, when i go to places such as out for the day shopping with my partner every shop i walk in to makes me think of her. Even though i had never took Tess to that shop, I get this thought of "The last time we shopped here, Tess was still alive" and when i watch a popular tv show i think "The last time we watched this was only last week and Tess was still here" I cant stop this from happening and it upsets me every time. There is still bits of her hair hiding in cracks and crevices.

I dont know how to cope without her...

[scott]

Again, I want to thank you all for your sincere replies. Sounding a little cliche but I cant describe the amount of comfort I feel reading your messages.

Today has been a little hard. I agreed to my partners request to clean the house. We obviously used to do it daily but after Wednesday we haven't touched it but I knew we would have too one day. And i couldn't bare it, literally 2 minutes in I had to run upstairs and leave my partner to do it. (It's hard for her too but she only knew Tess a few years so is coping a little better than me) Sweeping up all the tiny hairs you cant see on a wooden floor until you sweep enough. Wiping the sideboards and hoovering, it was like wiping away the last bits of her... now she genuinely does only live in pictures and memory

I'm thinking of getting a couple of pictures together, one of her when she was young and another with her a little older and having them professionally blown up and put on to canvasses to hang on the wall. I'm not sure if it will help me heal or hurt more.

Also went in to my local pet mega store today where I shopped for Tess during her old age, mainly the medical section for eye drops, ear drops, etc..... It was so unbelievably sad to know I was never going to walk down that isle again.

I decided to have Tess cremated so I could say goodbye and scatter her in the favourite places she liked to visit. I hope I made the right choice.

I pray to her every night telling her I love her and miss her. I'm sorry for sharing my stories with you, I feel very selfish when we have all gone through this horrible feeling.

Constant thoughts are running through my head. Why do vet's always say "It's the right thing to do or the humane thing to do as she is suffering" I would fully understand in certain circumstances but vets and people in general say it a lot. It feels like my poor Tess was murdered :'( she was an old girl with arthritis and a few other niggly problems but with humans we would give them physio, surgery, pain killers. So why does an animal not get that treatment as a basic first point of call. Instead its always "its her time"

It just feels like I didn't do enough and if Tess was a human she would just be sat here now in her wheelchair on pain medication but still living life.