Struggling Options

[scott]

Hi all im new to this forum but i was franticly searching the internet for help regarding grieving.

I lost my beloved friend and family member a couple of days ago Wednesday 9th May, my beloved Tess. She was a Labrador/border collie cross. I dont like saying "pet" as she wasn't a pet, i even refused to put a collar on her as she wasn't my property, she was my friend. But i knew the day was coming and informed my parents to take her to the vets if she needed too without me knowing as i couldn't handle it and she hated the vets. My parents got her for me when i was 11 years old, i am now 26 so she was coming up 15 years old. Thats what makes it hard, i had her with me from a young age growing up with me through a lot of important stages in my life and now shes not here....

During her life she battled through cataracts, severely poor hearing later on, arthritis, and the worst when she was around 11, pyometra which resulted in emergency surgery and the vet said it was a miracle she survived and that she was a fighter. She fully recovered but recently became victim to old age, losing her balance every now and then, sleeping most of the day, walking around in the same pattern like she had dementia and began to lose control of her bowels by pooping in the house.

My parents took her to the vets Wednesday morning whilst i was still asleep and the vet said she was ready to go to sleep :'( I was told by my parents as i awoke and they had already done it and come home. I feel guilty that i wasn't there for her as she was my soul mate and i just know she would have been wondering where i was.

I have had her through most of my life and now coming downstairs, shes not there any more I wont even walk or stand in the area of the living room where her bed was. A weird and horrible thing im experiencing is, when i go to places such as out for the day shopping with my partner every shop i walk in to makes me think of her. Even though i had never took Tess to that shop, I get this thought of "The last time we shopped here, Tess was still alive" and when i watch a popular tv show i think "The last time we watched this was only last week and Tess was still here" I cant stop this from happening and it upsets me every time. There is still bits of her hair hiding in cracks and crevices.

I dont know how to cope without her...

[Kristin M]

Scott-
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. We had to make the painful decision to put our 13 year old Weimaraner to sleep last Tuesday. It was the worst day of my life, and I honestly thought I could not go on living afterwards. I experienced extreme guilt and doubt about whether we had done the right thing. I also felt guilt about things I had done or not done in the past, mainly giving her enough attention and love. She was very loved and well taken care of, but I think no matter what, you feel guilt about not showing *enough* while they are with us. Do not feel guilty about not being there for her departure. I was with my Nina until she took her last breath, and I still felt guilt. Unfortunately, as humans, I think doubt and guilt are innate feelings, and cannot be helped no matter the circumstances. We did go home following her death, and I could not stand to be in my apartment. I wanted to jump out of my skin, my emotions were so intense. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and just had to leave for the day. When we returned home, I still did not want to be there. I saw her bed lying in the same spot, and just wanted to throw it away. I wanted to throw everything away that reminded me of her. I was very angry. Doubt, I have learned, manifests as anger. You may be experiencing this as well. I stopped myself at the thought of throwing her things away, and just stored them out of sight. I spent the next few days in a numbed state. I didn't want to be at work, didn't want to go home, didn't want to cook or eat, just went thru the motions of everyday life. I broke down multiple times a day. We had another dog at home, also 13, and I decided I never wanted another dog after he passed. Then, last Friday, something changed. I prayed (I'm not super religious, but I do believe in God). I asked God for strength and peace. It didn't happen immediately, but after that, I felt less guilt, and more peace about the decision to let her go. I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but if you do, whatever that higher power is, I think it is helpful to seek it out and ask for help. Sometimes that higher power lies within ourselves. Everybody's journey to healing is different. All I can tell you is I felt numb and angry and guilty for the 2 to 3 days following Nina's death. Then, I began to feel a tiny, TINY, bit better each day. I know the pain you are in, but please allow yourself to feel it, and express it.
It hurts like nothing else, but it is necessary, as part of the healing process. It may be helpful to look into a pet loss support group in your area. I found one and will be attending next month. It's always helpful to receive and share support with those who are going thru the same pain. Today, just a week and a half later, I can say I am doing better. I still cry a bit each day, and I think about her constantly. But, I have begun to have more happy memories of her. I can think of her and smile, and something will remind me of her and I'll say to my husband, "Doesn't that remind you of Nina?" and I will smile. I recently saw a quote that I love, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I am trying to do more of that! I know I will still have tough days, but I do believe I am healing a bit each day. Like other have said, Tess may no longer be with you physically, but she IS still with you! And you can still love her, and she you. Please let us know how you are doing when you are able.