Did I Make A Mistake? Options

[Kristin M]

Three days ago I lost my best friend. Rather, I ended her life. I am wracked with guilt, sorrow and anger. She was diagnosed with a neurological disorder last June, that affected her spine. We first noticed something was wrong while walking her. Her back paws would occasionally knuckle under. We took her immediately to the vet who suggested it could be the beginning of degenerative myelopathy. We just monitored her over the next few months. Slowly, we did see her condition deteriorate. We tried cold laser therapy, acupressure, hyperthermia, and every drug we could, steroidal and non-steroidal. She always seemed to improve a bit at first, but would quickly revert back to showing little or no improvement. She began having accidents a few months ago, I think because she was unable to easily get up and go to the door to tell us. We took her to our primary care vet about a month ago to discuss what else we could do/try for her. He suggested that we visit a neurologist, just as a second opinion. We met with the neurologist 3 weeks ago. He examined her and determined that she mostly likely had one of three things: degenerative myelopathy, disk disease or a tumor. The only way to know would be to perform MRI's, spinal taps, CT scans, etc. Not only would this be costly, about $5000, but in my opinion, it would be fairly stressful to her. After all the tests, we may have a name for what we are dealing with, but that didn't necessarily mean that there would be a cure. Surgery could be an option depending on what we were dealing with, but there was no guarantee that surgery would help, and again more stress to Nina and I'm sure, very costly. If I truly believed we could have helped her through all the tests and possible surgery, we would have come up with the money. But the bigger issue was that she was 13, and I believed at the time that all of the vet visits, tests, exams and possible surgery would be more stressful to her than anything. Now I don't know. What if I made a mistake? What if we did the tests, surgery, and it did help her? The last two weeks of her life she could no longer walk on her own. She knuckled under with both back paws every time she walked, so badly, that they were scraped and she had a little sore develop. My husband carried her outside, but when he wasn't home, and I had to help her outside, I lifted her back end as much as possible, but they still scraped a bit. I bought her little booties but they didn't seem to help much. My husband built her a cart, but she seemed confused and unsure about using it. My poor baby would come inside after pottying and literally fall down on her bed. I would help her become comfortable because sometimes she would land in what appeared to be very uncomfortable positions. She also loved food, but especially during her last month, it became an effort to get her to eat. We bought special food, and I would mix in things she liked to eat such as hard boiled eggs, but even towards the end, she seemed as though it was an effort for her to eat. She lost 4 lbs in 2 weeks. Two weeks ago, she began to have accidents on herself, making no attempt to let us know she needed to potty. I did not care about the accidents in the house, I was just concerned that she was stressed by them. On Monday my husband noticed a smell and felt underneath her and realized she was absolutely soaked with urine. He gave her a bath, which was also stressful for her. I guess the bottom line is, I felt her quality of life was poor, that she was stressed, and her condition was not going to improve. We made an appt. with our primary vet on Tuesday to discuss her quality of life. I asked him if it was in her best interest for us to let her go, and he stated that if she is having more bad days than good, it was most likely the time. I stayed with her, and held her until she took her last breath. She was my first dog, so this is all very new to me, and I can't help but feel to tremendous guilt and regret. I did and still do believe that her bad days outweighed the good, by quite a bit, but that doesn't stop me from believing that I should have tried harder, should have just had all the tests and possible surgery performed, should have kept her here, and just cared for her. I killed my dog and I don't know how I'll ever move past the guilt and sadness. I cry all day, don't want to be at work, don't want to be at home, don't want to cook or eat. I go from uncontrollable sobbing to anger, to intense guilt to numbness. I do have moments of happiness, a memory of the good times, but as quickly as I can, I shut it down and scold myself for trying to be happy. We have another dog, who is also 13, and I cannot bear the thought of losing another dog. He is healthy, but given his age, it is only a matter of time before we must face this torture all over again. I cannot bear the thought of getting another dog, because I cannot bear the thought of having to relive this with each of them. Our home feels so empty without her, even with our remaining dog present. We cannot have children, so I truly feel as though I lost a child; she was my baby girl. It has been the four of us for so long. I feel as though I cannot breathe at times, the pain is so unbearable. I'm sorry this post is so long. I guess it helps just writing down my feelings.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Kristin, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Nina. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the comany of the angels.

Kristin, please let me try to offer you some words of encouragement. My beloved handsome Black Lab Oslo was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy. He also had Laryngeal Paralysis, a canine form of Lou Gehrig's Disease, as well as hypothyroidism which is also associated with LP. There is no cure for LP or DM. The incontinence your Nina experienced was the result of DM -- irreversible. My Oslo was also challenged with incontinence. I tried my very best to keep him on a regular schedule for personal needs, but there were times when even that did not have positive outcomes. He developed cancer in a salivary gland on his neck which was inoperable. Even if it were operable due to his advanced age and the complications of LP and DM he would not have been a good candidate. On November 29, 2009, I woke up to discover that my handsome man was in the throes of a stroke. He was actively transitioning home to the angels. I called a vet friend who came to the home and eased his journey home to the angels.

The only reason why I am sharing my experience with my beloved Oslo with you is to try to help you understand that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Nina a happy, healthy earthly journey with you. I TOTALLY agree with your decision to not subject your beloved Nina to the stress of the tests and any subsequent treatments. There comes a time when the only thing we can do is to try to keep our companions as comfortable as possible. Sadly their physical bodies are like ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. I hope somehow in time you will come to have peace in your heart that your beloved Nina thanks you so very much for all of your love and dedication. She is eternally grateful for you being her Forever Mom.

The love bond you and your beloved Nina share is eternal, Kristin. It is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you, Kristin, in your heart and your memories. She is always a heartbeat close to you.

I do so understand your feelings when you say: "I cannot bear the thought of losing another dog. He is healthy, but given his age, it is only a matter of time before we must face this torture all over again." Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief.

Kristin, this grief journey is filled with so many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at once. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and arounds that can make us we feel like we are going insane. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and it is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity both emotionally and physically. It can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are never alone in your journey, Kristin. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Please let me try to offer you encouragement about getting another companion. This is not a decision you need to make right now. Some people find comfort in adopting another companion right away, while some people wait until their deep grief eases. Other people never adopt again for the very reason that is shattering your heart right now - - "I cannot bear the thought of getting another dog, because I cannot bear the thought of having to relive this with each of them." Kristin, there is no "wrong" or "right" decision about adopting or not adopting another companion. Only your heart will be able to let you know when / if you will be ready to embrace another companion into your heart and life.

Kristin, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, encouragement, support, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Nina with us, Kristin. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her - but only if / when you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kristin, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blesings,
moon_beam