Please Help With This Unbearable Grief. Options

[ginosmom]

Gino was our beloved yellow lab. He loved everything - life, people, animals, food. He was happy. He was healthy. He was 9 years old.

While in Vancouver with my twelve-year-old son yesterday, Gino and my schnauzer Zeke (best buds) were in the care of my neighbor as they often are when we are out of town. We received a call when still5 hours driving time away that Gino was dead. The neighbor left for the store for 20 minutes and returned home to find Gino had suffocated inside a bag of cat food he'd gotten into. THere was no reviving him.

As we drove frantically home, I was hysterical and not believing what was said. I sent many people, including our vet, up to the house. All confirmed....Gino was gone.

Gino was my best friend. He has been by my side through the darkest times of my life. My divorce. So many things. He and my son grew up together from puppyhood and toddlerhood. He was full of life. He had two cruciate ligament replacement surgeries over the last 2 years, upwards of $10,000, to repair his blown-out knee joints. After each surgery, he was happy. He was like a new dog each time. He never complained about wearing a cone on his head or taking his medicine or limping. He was always just happy.

I had taken him to the dog park every day last week. He ran in the field and swam in the creek and rolled on his back in the grass. I promised to take him to the beach lots this summer, as I've been so busy with my work. THese are all now things we'll never get to do.

I don't understand.

I read through these grief pages and feel compassion for everyone who lost a pet, but what I read is of old pets and sick pets. Not my Gino. He was not old. He was not sick. He had so much life left to live. Why did this happen? WHy did I go away? Why did I leave him?

I DIDN"T EVEN GET TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM. I didn't tell him I loved him. But I did. Oh how I did.

He was my friend. He kept me safe on the 12 acres of property I live on by myself. My other dog is still with me but nothing is the same. It will never be the same. Can anyone help?

Everyone says they can't imagine what I feel. That isn't helping. I need to hear that others have experienced this grief, this TRAGIC grief, this accident, and that life somehow moved them forward. I can't imagine.

Today we went to the vet's office where his body had been taken. I wasn't going to see him but I had to, to say goodbye. He had been wrapped in plastic and put in the freezer, covered in a blanket. I lay beside the mound of beloved dog that was no longer.......just the body, but the body of the dog I loved with all my heart. THe dog I could've been better to, could've done more for, could've appreciated more. I took for granted he'd always be here. I lay beside him and wept and said goodbye and said thank you. The body smelled badly. I wish I hadn't seen that or smelled that. That isn't my Gino.

Please help me and my son, anyone. Not by saying I have a right to feel sad or that you can't imagine my pain....but something, anytthing that will help. Thank you.

[Bobbie]

Dear Gino's mom,

Thank you for writing and letting us know what is going on with you today. I am so very sorry that you have to suffer the agony and feelings of defeat and anger that immediately decended on you when your amazing Gino died. Everything I read in your message is absolutely true and real. These next days and even weeks to months will be the absolute worst you will ever endure. You say that you feel like you are bleeding to death from your heart. I felt that my heart was shredded into a billion pieces, over and over and over. And that my soul had been crushed by a 10 ton boulder. And, you know, Gino's mom, I still feel that way, nine months later. That's not to say that I haven't learned how to exist in this world with out Trevor's physical presence, but a mother's love lasts forever.

I have also found that the true answer to that all-important question "WHY?" doesn't come to us on this earth. Because there is no answer. Did that stop my from asking the question a million times? Nope. But reminding myself that I won't find an answer in this life has helped a tiny bit. I can pull myself away from the sadness of that question, to deal with all the other aspects of Trevor's death.

I think your gift to Gino of giving his body, in the form of ashes, back to Mother Nature was one of the most loving and selfless acts you could have done. The earth is where we ALL have come from and will all be going back to some day. Gino got there before you so that he could help prepare your way in the future (whenever that may be). If your son was with you, I think you taught him a very valuable lesson that he will soon not forget. Mother Earth cares for all of her children all of the time. And, please know that your companion, Gino's body was in that scatter box, not THE Gino you knew and loved. He is a Spirit Dog whose spirit lives on forever and is right beside your heart this very minute, even if you cannot feel it. (I've never felt Trevor next to my heart, yet, either, but I know he's there.)

Gino's mom, there are no rules or time table for grieving. People may try to make you think there are, but they are wrong. And "normal" is YOUR normal and not one other person's. We all suffer a bit differently, but we all suffer together. How long? As long as YOU need. This is not measured in hours or days or even months/years. This grief process takes not one minute longer than what you need to heal. And how do we know when we are "healed"? A lot of times we don't until something shows us that we are not quite as devastated as we were a little while ago. It comes as surprises to me. "Oh! That memory wasn't as awful and sad as it has been - it felt a teeny bit comforting. That's different. Maybe I'm healing????"

This may sound crazy, but TIME is your best healer. Time has a way of moving forward no matter what we try to do to stop it. That doesn't mean we have to keep up with it, but it is a very gentle helper on your grief journey. And your journey will be your own - totally legitimate and totally right. Some people write journals, others gather pictures (I have them of Trevor all over the house, even though I have two new rescue dogs now), some write poetry, others keep silent for periods of time. I might suggest that you do whatever feels comfortable for you and Gino, even if that turns out to be just sitting andthinking of him and/or talking to him. He can hear and understand every single thing you think or say. And I don't know if the crying ever ends. It hasn't for me. Even talking about Trevor can choke me up in a matter of seconds. And that is perfectly OK by me.

Oh, dear Gino's mom, you really don't HAVE to do anything - except breathe because even your heart beats on its own. And I am as serious about that as my sister (Gretta's mom) is. Get done what absolutely HAS to be done to survive in this world and society and beyond that, there is not one thing you have to do. You will know when the time is right to do the next thing, whatever that may be. I never move my becloved boys' things for months and months after they have passed. I kept my Birney's blankets in our upstairs hallway (where he liked to sleep toward the end) for over a year and there were 3 comforters there! I wanted and needed them there and demanded my wishes be honored and respected. (they were)

The last thing I would like to tell you tonight is that all LS'ers are here for you. Some may just read your posts, but you will find that many respond in time. I promise you that I will always be here for you. I check this site 2 times daily and write to Trevor every night. I've already told him about Gino and, by now, I'm sure they are fast friends, even though Trevor is a C. Spaniel. Lean on us. Take our strength. Take our love and our understanding. WE have all been brought together by something so incredibly sad that we cannot find adequate words to describe it. And that makes us a band of sisters and brothers forever.

Try to get some rest tonight, even if sleep doesn't come. And try to eat a little something in the morning. Until we "message" again..........

Love,
Bobbie

[ginosmom]

Thank you Bobbie for your soulful words of comfort. My eyes seem to be dry of tears, but if there were any tears left I know they'd still be flowing.

Yes it was a tragedy. Truly, a horrible, ridiculous, senseless tragedy, and while I wish there was some comfort in that explanation, I can't find it yet....because tragedies happen to other people, and maybe to dogs who aren't so loved and valued, but not to MY dog, not to MY Gino, who was just doing what he always did, which was sneaking food! I'd always laugh about his clever ways to sneak food. He used to eat tissues out of the tissue box sometimes! And we'd laugh.

Oh GOD I miss him. I miss his physical body. I miss his smell and his kisses. I miss how he always smiled....yes, SMILED. He had a permanent smile on his face. He was always happy. Always good. Always giving. IT ISN"T FAIR.

I'm supposed to go back to work today. I am a music teacher, I put on huge productions with singers of all ages, and we are in the throes of one right now. TOday is my kids' group - 13 girls under the age of 9. I can't face them. I can't bear their questions about where GIno is, because my studio is attached to my home.

I can't get rid of the awful images in my head of Gino's suffocation, even though I wasn't there to see it. I can't get rid of the memory of lying beside his body in the basement of the vet's office - not even 24 hours after his death, and how the body smelled and felt like a ton of bricks, and cold.....should I not have said goodbye to him that way but remembered him how he was? Bounding through the woods and jumping in the creek and happy?

And then when the pet cremation handed over his box....a little CARDBOARD box of my dog's ashes....it said "Gino Moore' in script printing....

I'm sorry to make no sense here, but these are the images, and I'm wondering if I am losing my mind because they are haunting me. Everyone else, at day #4 today, seems to be "over it" - even all those who said they loved Gino....they seem to be over it. Going about their lives, telling me I MUST do the same, that GIno would want me to be happy, blah blah blah.....but I'm not OVER it and my tears keep coming and I can't just go about my life while these images play in my head. SO maybe I AM crazy and will just lose my mind....I don't even care.

One of the few helpful thiings is your comments, Bobbie, and others. Thank you for that small solace.

Melina