Is This Just Me? Options

[Nicky709]

As you know, from my previous posting, my baby went to the Bridge last Sunday, after suffering kidney failure, I've just found out from the vet that she was in the final stages, I never knew anything was wrong with her until last week. The week prior to the actual event I was so upset, crying, hugging her constantly, wishing and bargaining....this week has been worse, but in a different way.

More than anything else I'm always expecting Cindy to make a run fpr the front door, I keep thinking she's there in her old places, then falling over when I go to step over her!!!!! But through it all I'm just numb, I've cried when I've read what people have written on this site, because I miss Cindy so much, but most of the time I wander around numb, both in work and at home. I look at her pictures and my heart misses a beat, and I feel even worse, with guilt, because I'm not crying as much as Cindy deserves, and because I'm so numb. I miss my baby so much, the feel of her, the sound of her, everything, but I cann't get beyond this awful numbness (((

I lost my first baby, Kim, about three years ago, and I'm starting to feel guilty because I grieved, as in cried, more for her than I did for Cindy.

Attached image(s)

 

[Nicky709]

Jennifer, Sue and Elizabeth, thank you so much for your replies, how did I manage to come across a site with such caring people on it???? I guess it just feels like a part of me has curled up and died, and that part is rotting away because I cann't let it out anyway. Elizabeth, you definately DID NOT ramble on, I've done exactly the same, I've now got fotos of Kim and Cindy all over the place, and I kiss both of them goodnight, and say a little prayer for them. I guess I just feel like I'm lost, they were my children, I don't have any, my husband has two sons, but it's not the same, if you know what I mean? Kim and Cindy were with me before I met my husband, they were my baby's, they were my friends who loved me for all my many faults, they accepted my husband, and our new surroundings, so readily, they sided with me whenever we argued!!!!!

I got so scared earlier on in the week, because I cried more for Kim that I did for Cindy, I felt so guilty, and mad....boy did I feel mad, not just with myself....well not with myself at all if I'm honest, I was raging with everything and everyone!!!!!!

It helps so much knowing there are others how understand, others who can help me through this rough patch....thank you