Having Trouble Dealing With Guilt, I feel so helpless on how to cope right now Options

[My Boo Bootsie]

Hi,
I am new today to this forum! I did not know what else to do other than search the internet looking for some type of support to help me get through what I can describe as the worst form of guilt I have ever felt. My cat Bootsie died this past Sunday in my arms on the way to the vets clinic. Bootsie was 12 years old and what I thought was excellent health up until Sat. afternoon. She ate well, was a "very" active indoor cat who was so smart and she was my best friend. On Sat. morning she ate at 9:30am. She then went to sleep as she normally does(she had a very regular schedule). She woke up and I hear her throwing up. I ran to watch over her to tell her it was ok. In the past she has got sick periodically(hairballs) but after she would vomit she would be fine and how I knew this is within 5 minutes she would be sitting in front of me staring me down(with those piercing eyes of her) and she was telling me-mom I am hungry my stomach is empty and that dry cereal Ijust threw up just isn't cutting it. This time was different. She didn't come and stare me down-in fact she continued to throw up every 15 minutes or so and after a a while it turned to white bile. I live in rural arkansas and we do not have a weekend clinic/hospital that is open on weekends....but I knew my vet(he and his wife are a team) would allow a call at home even tho I had never had to do it before because up until now she never had a problem in 12 years. We even had her tested for all the feline diseases early on, etc. I called the dr. at 8:30pm to fill him in because my main concern was that at 8:20 she was sitting after vomitting and she lost control of her bowels and it was not like her EVER. She didn't even flinch. I thought possibly food poisoning from the can food and thats why I called him. He assured me he didn't think it was that and asked if she could have gotten into anything else. Of course I could not think of anything. I thought maybe a hairball as one other time she didn't seem well(I thought she had worms once) because she begged for food ALL the time(she weighed 12 lbs). We got her in the car that time and she threw up a big hairball on the way to vet and after that she was fine. I tried to give her hairball remedy as normally she would eat it like nothing...she loved food and was not finicky. Once in a while she would turn her head to a can of fancy feast and I would just throw it out because I knew bootsie was smart and could and would detect if it was tainted or bad. The vet told me if the vomitting continued to call him and he would meet me out at the clinic because of her age he thought she could become dehydrated fast as she was not eating or drinking(which was not like her AT ALL). This is where I am so angry to the point of almost feeling like I cannot and will never be able to forgive myself. He told to watch her, in fact he asked me to look at her eyes to see if they were moving side to side(they were not), he also asked me to get her out from under the bed(a place she barely ever went because she was not even afraid of storms)-I did pull her out and he asked me to watch her walk to see if she were walked to one side only...she wasn't but I told him she was so weak and walking slow and she walked around to the side of my bed and jumped up on her scratch pad and up onto the bed where she "normally" would sleep by my feet. He said that was a good sign. Well, I hung up phone and decided I was staying up with her all night to watch her and let her know I was there for her as she has been there for me all these years and when I would cry she would come sit on my lap. She went under the bed not to long after I hung up phone and thats where she stayed. She would cry out every now and then in pain and I'd go lay down by bed by her and she'd let me pet stroke her forhead and nose area...I could not get her to drink but left the bowl right there...she just wasn't leaving under the bed. I smelt the odor from her bowel movement and new she had not cleaned herself(again not like hers he always groomed herself so well)-I figured because she was weak and the dr. was probably right it was some bacteria in stomach. And, being she stopped throwing up I just waited. I waited to long and I hate myself right now for even saying this but I am trying to understand why I didn't call him back because of her cries out but she was laying on her side finally resting and Ifigured it was stomach pain and that was her way of getting through it. I was soooooooo wrong. I layed up on bed talking to her and back and forth petting her and at 2:30am I heard a noise and looked down quickly and I saw what I consider her having a seizure....my God I can't get that image out of my head, she was gasping for air-I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable here but I didn't know what to do-I just reached down and tried to gently hold her and tell her I was there and it was ok and I jumped up to get my husband awake from other end of house and told him to quickly wake up and call the vet. He was startled so I told him to stay with her and I hit redial and what felt like eternity(probably 30 sec.) he answered and I told him something is going terribly wrong and described it and said you have to get to the clinic please I can't have her suffer like this...he said yes...I will be there and remember we live in country and its dark(no city lights)-but I wrapped her in her blanket(me and my husband) I picked her up and we ran to car and I told her I was there and that I loved her and that she was and is so brave. She wasn't struggling from the time I put her in her blanket in my arms-her body was shutting down. My husband thought a stroke but I knew better. I knew she was dying in my arms. It wasn't 3 minutes into our 10 min. drive to clinic when I said to Dan she is gone. Dan said don't say that you don't know that and I said I do know that-a mom knows. I talked to her and kissed her and petted her and I knew she was gone. when we got to clinic the dr. arrived at same time and had to open door and Dan said we think she has passed and he said oh no, I don't know what could have happened that fast. He examined her and said yes I am sorry she is gone. The only thing he could think of is that she had twisted bowel as he said her bowels felt hard as he examined her and he didn't see anything from the stool sample he took. I don't know what happened-but what I do know is my guilt of what I didn't do. Everyone is telling me I am not God, I did my best, I called the vet earlier-that I listened to him. I just don't know why I didn't insist he meet me there caus he did say if she continued vomitting he would meet me out there and he would put an IV in her to avoid dehydration. Well, stupid me thought she stopped vomitting so of course she was going to be ok! How can I ever forgive myself. I miss her so much. I know she is in heaven with my mom and my dad and now she isn't in pain but I feel "I" caused her to suffer unecessarily when she didn't need to. Even if I took her out and he maybe took an Xray he could have done something or maybe nothing could have been done(I will never know) but what I do know is I wish I could have got her there before she suffered-I preach to to others about not letting a pet suffer and that at least we have in this country the choice to help our loved ones(pets) to make sure they don't suffer. I just had to post this at hopes that maybe someone could give me clarity or something. My husband is so loving and caring and we have another cat who is 11(she is close to Dan)-Niki and bootsie was my cat(a one owner cat have you). I can only pray and know she is with my mom loving her and mom loving Bootsie. Thanks for this forum-I feel like others think I am "crazy" for loving my cats like they are my children-well, they are my children and I treated them like they were and yes, I tried to give them the best life and I believe I did. I just can't find a way to get those images of her last minutes with me and the sounds out of my head & heart! God help me!

[moon_beam]

Hi, My Boo Bootsie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bootsie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

MBB, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions sometimes overwhelming us all at one time. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds that it can leave us seriously wondering if there is any way through - - or out - - of it. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt is one of the emotions we experience, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile.

MBB, we are mere mortals. We do not possess the privilege of foreknowledge. We do not have x-ray eyes that can scan our companions' physical bodies in an effort to detect medical problems so that they can undergo treatment before the illness / injury becomes too far advanced. Our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. It is an inherited genetic trait from their wild cousins. Any sign of weakness, illness, injury makes them easy prey. Unfortunately this is of little comfort to us - - their caregivers. By the time they show obvious symptoms that they are not feeling well the illness / injury has already taken ahold of their bodies. Unless an autopsy was done on your beloved Bootsie there are many things that could have made her abdomen feel hard. But even autopsies can raise more questions than answers.

I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, only a fellow guardian of furkids who has walked the grief journey you are now traveling. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that you did indeed do everything in your power to help and comfort your beloved Bootsie. It is very evident in what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give her a happy, healthy, safe earthly journey. None of us know the circumstances that will present our transition journey to the angels, and unfortunately, - - very heartbreakingly - - this is true also for our companions. I do know how traumatic the final days, hours, moments can be with our companions, and they can be very traumatic. The more traumatic the circumstances are, the more our memory gets "stuck" into replaying them. It's a form of post-traumatic stress disorder, and it is very real. The good news is that it does eventually ease, but it takes time for your mind and body to work through the deep grief. Please know that your beloved Bootsie is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for her during her earthly journey. The love bond we share with our companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bootsie wants you to hold onto the many treasured memories she shares with you. She wants you to know that her sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language right now that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. But I promise you, My Boo Bootsie, that one day when you least expect it you wil be thinking of your beloved Bootsie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your treasured memories of your beloved Bootsie and her sweet Living Spirit. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

MBB, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bootsie with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. My Boo Bootsie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam