My Little Buddy Has Passed On.... Options

[buddy]

Hi All,

I lost my little Buddy a little over a week ago and am really struggling to get through this. Buddy meant the world to me. In addition to the pain from loosing him, I am also experiencing a lot of guilt from euthanizing him.. What I wouldn't give to have more time with him!

Buddy was only 9. At age 5, he was diagnosed with auto-immune encephalitis. Thankfully, at the time, I was living in Boston and he received the best possible care from Angell Memorial hospital. After we got this issue under control (which took quite some time), he was doing pretty well. He remained on a low dose of steroids, however. Over the past year, I've noticed a difference in him. He wasn't as "happy" as usual, but didn't really exhibit any serious health issues....until about 4 weeks ago. He had a bad case of diarrhea and was vomiting. I took him to the vet immediately....long story short, we discovered his kidenys were failing (pretty bad case, all values were off the charts). they gave him fluids, which helped initially. I continued to give him subq fluids at home. But we stopped eating and slept most of the time. After a few discussions with the vet, we decided it was time. I had a few days with him before the scheduled appointment. What bothers me the most was that the day of the appointment, he looked great. The best he looked in a long time. The vet said that we should still go through with putting him down (his bad days out numbered his good days -- and having him end happy is a good thing).

I wonder if I did the right thing by him. Did I fight hard enough for him?

I miss him terribly. I live by myself -- everything I did somehow revolved around him. I feel so alone and empty. The pain I am feeling is overwhelming. Few people understand. I went to a christmas party for work today (only because I felt I had to) and got questions from someone asking me if I "had more free time now that I didn't have to walk a dog anymore..." Crazy! I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, he just doesn't understand.

I'm just not sure how to get through this....how do you deal with the pain and overwhelming guilt?

Miss you, Buddy!

Buddy's mom

[buddy]

Hi Moon-beam, Hermy’s Mommy and Merlin96,

Thanks to each of you for your messages. Your words of encouragement and support are very comforting and I thank you for your time and concern.

This was a tough weekend for me. I tried to stay busy, but really had no desire (or motivation) to do much of anything. I miss Buddy so very much. He was such a large part of my life, which has only become clearer with him not here. Much like Merlin96, I haven’t been able to put away any of Buddy’s things – just can’t bring myself to do it yet. I have been sleeping with Buddy’s collar and his favorite blanket, which has been helpful (thanks for the suggestion, Moon_beam).

I’ve been trying to focus on some of the happy (and often hilarious) times Buddy and I shared. This has been comforting at times, while at the same time quite painful. For Christmas, I will be traveling to my parent’s house. They have Buddy’s brothers (one of which was his litter-mate). Buddy so loved to play with them! I’m not sure how I am going to feel when I see them…or how they will react when I arrive without Buddy.

I want to thank all of you again. Being able to discuss Buddy and what I am going through with people who understand is very therapeutic. Thank you.

Buddy’s Mom