It's So Surreal :*( Options

[Missingmybaby]

Dear world,

First of all I want everyone to know that I was an extrememly passionate dog groomer for 51/2 yrs, until this horrific death in my pup. I strarted working @ this grooming salon close to home for about 5 mths. I bring my little chihuahua, bear, to work with me about almost once a week. He's been getting out of the house lately. My parents came into town. So I decided to take him to work with me so he doesn't get out of the house if my parents opened the door. This all happened on 10/6/2011. Bear usually stay by my station. I was grooming a dog and an owner walked in to pick up her 2 dogs and one was a lab mix and the receptionist was out back room checking on the dogs. So I took the owner to the back to show her her lab cause he was playing with other dogs and she was happy hear that. I had a dog in my arms that I was grooming. As soon as the owner and her unleashed pups was walking out to the grooming area with the receptionist, I was right behind, I noticed that lab mix was in my pups face (bear does not like other dogs most likely bigger dogs in his face, so he will show teeth and growl), I know bear growled and showed his teeth. I said "no!!!". I had to put the pup I was holding down. I heard bear screaming, and all I can see was the lab mix biting a few times but not shaking him. I picked up bear and said "he's bleeding!!!". Blood was gushing out by his his stomach. I grabbed a towel and wrapped him, @ the same time I heard the owner of the lab say "apply pressure". She also said her dog never done anything like that before. I ran out, and was panicking. I was telling the receptionist we have to go to a vet right away (I dont know any vet close by). I had bear wrapped up with his head on my chest. Bear took 3-4 deep breaths and I said "he's breathing!!". When bear stop taking deep breath, his head dangled on my arm and I assumed he was dead which he was. I screamed " he's dead!". The receptionist said he's not. We got in the car as I was holding bear in my arms, and the receptionist rushed me to a vet she knew. Got to the vet, ran inside and said I had an emegengcy, my dog was attacked and the vets receptionist said go to room 4 which I rushed in. I put bear on the table and I sat in a chair while the vet and vet tech unwrapped the towel. I knew bear was gone once the towel was unwrapped and saw near released his feces and I just broke down horrifically in tears.

Bear was only 6yrs old. I thought he was going to grow old with me. I've made the decision to get him cremated and get him back in an urn with a clayed paw print (waiting for it).

While in the room @ the vet with bear, I didn't want to let go. I was in there for about 2 hr with him. Then went home and went back with my Sis and stayed for about another 1 1/2 - 2hrs. We didn't want to let go, but we knew we couldn't take him home like this.

We do have 3 other pups @ home.

I am greiving and trying to cope. My family in town is helping a bit, but once they go home, I don't kno what or how to cope.

The next morning after everything, I've been thinking and made a decision to completely stop grooming dogs including some dogs I've groomed @ home for friend and old clients. I did inform them and they let me know the understand. Now I have no occupation. But I can't see myself working with animals knowing that I couldn't protect my own. I didn't know if I was being selfish or not. But I feel its time for me to move on ( not sure what am going to do).

Bear did not deserve to die this way. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve this?. He was my comfort. He weighed 4.5lbs (sometimes 5lbs if I spoiled him with treats). I took him everywhere when I felt alone, he made me feel safe. He was one of a kind. He was such a good boy. He groomed our other 3 pups. He was everything to me. My other pups means everything to me as well, but they are not as small as bear and not as well behaved, so I couldn't take the everywhere with me. I have a doggy bag in my trunk just incase bears runs out of the house while I'm going somewhere I'll just take him along. He was so spoiled. All my friends, family, & old employers knows bear bery well including my 3 pups. There are many many people that does not know that he is no longer with us.

I can't face the world. I only can face my siblings, parents, nephews, and boyfriend. When we have guest over, I won't come out the room.

Last night we took my nephews to Disneyland. They say Disneyland is suppose to be the happiest place on earth, but it wasn't for me. When I was there, I wanted to scream. I've been wanted to scream off the top of my lungs. But I would hold it back. Then I would cry a little and it makes me feel better.

I thought I was going crazy because a couple of days ago, I was surfing the net, and found preserving your pet. I thought to myself, should I do that so I can still pet bear and take him around. But I decide I shouldn't do that. I ask myself, is bear upset with me? It wasn't his time to go. Did he want me to cremate him or did he want to be burried? I don't know. I just want to do the right thing. I want bear to be happy even he's not presence with us anymore. I love him so much. I can't live without him. I don't know what to do. I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I feel it's all my fault, I shouldn't have taken him to work with me. Im getting mixed emotions. I'm feeling angry with myself and everyone else and it's not fair to them. I'm lost.

I'm tired. Thank you for taking your time to read this long long venting letter.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Missingmybaby, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bear. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Leejaye and Gretta's Mom have offered you the most compassionate responses which are in my heart as well.

If there is one thing I wish to emphasize to you it is to please do not hold your grief inside. Some people think that if they suppress their deep sorrow that it makes the excruciating pain of their loss - - both emotional and physical - - less painful. Clinical studies have proven the direct opposite. Grief suppressed can eventually lead to both serious emotional and physical symptoms that willl need to be dealt with, and perhaps in a crisis situation. The tears you cry are literally healing tears for they cleanse your body of the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grief. This is why you have noticed that you feel better after you cry. Grieving is very stressful on both the body and the spirit. It is vitally important that you allow yourself the opportunity to openly (if by finding a private time and place in your day) grieve this tremendous painful loss of your beloved Bear's physical presence with you.

This grief journey is one filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes all at one time, and so many different emotions that we can feel like we are going insane. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. I promise you, Missingmybaby, that what you are feeling is very normal. And as both leejaye and Gretta's mom have so comfortingly reassurred you, so I wish to affirm their words: You ARE among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling and are going through. This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Bear. It can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Missingmybaby, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Bear with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you are up to it. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Missingmybaby, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam