Seems Like It Keeps Getting More Difficult Options

[BonniesMom]

I lost my little Bonnie Lou, my twelve-year-old Yorkie, to kidney failure on July 30th. It seems like I'm having a harder time with this now than I was when it happened. I don't know, maybe the reality is sinking in now because for a while it just didn't seem real. But now I'm missing her worse than ever and having terrible dreams about her being gone. Everyone else has moved on and I feel worse. My husband says he hasn't had a hard time with this at all, which made me feel like he was being disloyal to Bonnie, because he really was very close to her. Her littermate, Belinda, has pretty much stopped looking for her and seems to have adjusted. But that's good because I've heard of things like this affecting the other pet's health and I wouldn't want that. I am not ready to move on or stop grieving because she was one of the best things I ever had in my life. She never brought me anything but happiness. I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel worse about her death now than I did two months ago.
Also, I would really like to be able to rescue another pet for Belinda to have company and also because I am used to having multiple dogs. But my husband says we can't afford to and I don't think he wants to. I think it would be a great way to honor Bonnie's life to give a good home to a pet in need and I think it would be good for Belinda to have a companion because she's never been the only pet until now. But I guess that will have to wait.
Has anyone else experienced this, that the grief seems to get worse with time instead of better?

[Bobbie]

Dear Bonnie's Mom,

Please accept my sincerest sympathy on the loss of your dearest Bonnie Lou. She must have been quite the lady and I would have been honored to know her. My Trevor, a rescue C-o-c-k-e-r Spaniel died one week earlier, on Friday, July 22nd. As you say, it was awful and my heart and soul have still not begun to "heal".

BonniesMom, I have had 6 other doggies that were all sent to Heaven via the Rainbow Bridge, but, somehow, losing Trevor has been harder than all the rest combined. I guess what I am trying to say is that, yes, this grief journey can be extremely difficult, downright hard and take a long time. As our wonderful Moon Beam tells you, your grief journey will take as long as is necessary for YOU, and no one else. And that is normal, normal, normal. You loved Bonnie Lou with such a fierce devotion that time is the only and greatest "healer". I don't really want to say "healer", but time is the best helper along the path. Remember this was YOUR Bonnie Lou and YOUR relationship exclusively. I always think that the pain I feel is directly proportional to the love I have for Trevor. And I know you still have that love for Bonnie Lou (by the way, what a great name!).

Should you be over this? Only when you are ready. No one else can tell you when that time is or what it will feel like to you. We can give you hints as a sort of guide, but the rest will come from Bonnie and you. I still cry almost every night. I have pictures of Trevor in every room of my house. I have messages to him pinned up on the kitchen and hallway walls. (and the bathroom mirror) I light a small memorial candle for him every day. I visit him (and his brothers) at the cemetery almost every day now. I've been there so much that the Cemetery Director moved an old bench over to their graves so I have something to sit on and be there as long as I want to. I have a new rescue dog, named Dreamer, and I still call him Trevor! I don't have a particular place in the house to set up a small shrine as others have, but I do have pictures of all my boys on the top of my piano: Crocker, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Rudy and Trevor. And I talk to them all the time. Crazy? Perhaps. But it's the way that I am able to cope with my loss and it's not hurting one other person, so I do it.

Missing Bonnie Lou more now is also normal. As Moon Beam said this is a hellish roller coaster ride with no specific end in sight, so there will be ups and downs. Right now I think you're in a "down" part. My friend, try to go with the flow - don't let others influence you if possible. Practice a human face for when you are in public and keep your real face (revealing your true emotions) in private, until you are ready to do something else. I also think getting another dog may be a good idea as long as you are not "replacing" Bonnie Lou. Don't force the issue, if possible, so your husband won't resent the new companion. Perhaps you can do some volunteer work at a good shelter or for a good rescue group as a way to be with the dogs to help you. Then your enthusiasm may just change some minds around your house.

BonniesMom, you are doing a remarkable job coping with such a loss. And remember, there are many, many people on this site who are willing to "talk", write, listen, support, grieve and feel happier with you 24/7. You are never alone in your journey and never will be.

Please write when you can. I am very interested in how you are doing, how Belinda is doing and would love to hear more about Bonnie Lou!

Blessings.............................
Bobbie