I Hate Mondays, I'm alone again Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I hate Mondays. It means I'm alone, again.

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my precious Bowie and 7 weeks since I let Misha go. I'm still not okay. I cry for Bowie every day. I still wish he'd come back to me. I guess I'm "stuck" in my grieving process and my husband doesn't understand. He moved on in the first week and is looking towards the future, he says, and I'm stuck in the past. He's not a very emotional person and has told me he can't relate to the way I'm feeling. I don't understand how he got over Bowie that quickly. How he doesn't miss them, or doesn't want to talk about them. I feel alone, even when he's around. But, when Mondays come around, I really am alone. Almost 16 years having Misha and Bowie by my side during the day - pretty much my entire adult life - and now, no one. To top it off, my husband is going out of town for a business trip this week and I'm afraid. I haven't been alone, overnight, in almost 16 years. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I guess you need to know that I don't have children. For much of the last 13 years I worked from home, part time, in various jobs. So, I was with my dogs, a lot. And they were my focus. I quit my last job at the end of June this year, because I couldn't do it anymore. The stress of caring for Misha and her deteriorating health/multiple health problems for the last two years, along with trying to be a good mom to Bowie, and trying to keep our home and life in some sort of order, finally got to me and something had to go. A bonus to not working was that I was going to be able to spend all of my time making up the last couple of years to Bowie, once I let Misha go, which I knew was going to be soon. But, that hope, that plan, was ripped away with the cancer diagnosis. And, months ago, in the midst of our life being on hold while Misha was going downhill, my husband was resentful that we couldn't go on vacation. He wanted to escape, which I understood, but I was Misha's caregiver...we weren't going anywhere until she was gone. He came up with his dream vacation and I promised we could do that extended one when Bowie left us - which I thought would be in 3-4 years. The week after we lost Bowie, he booked his dream vacation, with my input, although it was reluctant. And, he wants to take a second one. These trips are 3-4 week long trips that I refuse to take if we have a dog, so we have to take them now. So, I can't get another dog for about a year. After these trips are over. And, no, I'm not excited about them. They'll always be tied to losing my Bowie. Husband is not happy that I'm not excited about the trips.

So, it's Monday, and I'm alone again. I'm having a lot of trouble with that, along with everything I've lost...my babies, my past, my plans for the future, my life, my identity.

Misha's Mommy

[Bobbie]

Good Morning Misha & Bowie's Mommy,

Checking in to say Good Morning to you and the kids. I hope you were able to get some rest last night. And that today will be kinder to you. I would like to comment on a few things in your post to me, if that's OK. If not, just slide down to the end.

My worst time is at night, also. It seems I can keep "busy" during daylight hours to hold the immense sorrow at bay. But come nighttime, which is usually when I check my messages and am on the computer, and it's all downhill for me. If you check some of my own posts you can see how slowly I'm progressing along this grief journey. And I've had 5 other C Spaniels before Trevor! So, I do some of my more intense crying in the computer room, where no one can hear me and I just let it all out. I've started writing a manuscript about Trevor and that seems to help a bit. Trevor's Neurologist offered to help me if I want to have it published. Trevor was a very sick dog and I made it my mission to be with him as much as possible, to make him feel happier than ever, to keep him out of pain and to help him feel loved every minute of every day. I gave up a lot in order to do this and stayed home (I am disabled, too) most of the time. And every second that we were apart, I was antsy to get back home to him. I'd never had a dog with his medical and social problems, but thankfully, I'd been a pediatric respiratory therapist for many years, so I had a good background when coming to his "diseases" (severe hydrocephalus, Chiari malformation and sryingomyelia) and the treatments involved. I was also very grateful that I didn't work because I could be with Trevor as much as possible. He was a real Mama's Boy and I loved it. But, as you know only so well, when the future catches up with you, this bond and closeness makes the whole issue of releasing our companion(s) from pain and suffering that much worse.

Don't even worry about "cleaning" ANYTHING! With every boy I lost, it took me many MONTHS to begin to put away anything. My first dog's comforters stayed in our upstairs hallway (he liked to sleep on them during the night) for NINE MONTHS before I even gave a thought to moving them. Luckily, I have a spouse who doesn't care if these things are out. With Trevor, I think I told you that I sleep with his picture (and I added my last dog, Rudy's as well) wrapped in a piece of his blanket; we have pictures of him in almost every room, love notes to him posted in the kitchen and bathrooms and we light a small Yatzeit (Jewish memorial candle) candle every day. We write his name and a message on the glass before we light the candle for the day. And it stays lit until we go to bed at night, when we blow it out and say "Good Night, Trevor. We love you." And believe me, I am the one doing that the majority of the time. You don't need to "clean", rearrange or dispose of anything until YOU are ready to do so and then you may change you mind a hundred times, too. Just like I have. I feel the only authority that can make me do any of this before I am ready is the Housing Authority!! (and you know they don't care)

I might suggest that you simply tell your husband that YOU are not finished with your grieving and you don't know when you will be. Another suggestion from what I am actually doing: find a good counselor for yourself and focus on pet loss and the grief that comes with it. I know my therapist has been incredibly helpful in even just listening and affirming that I am NOT crazy with this issue. Actually, I am quite normal and that is from someone who has never heard of this website! Many therapists have pets, also, and can truly identify with your suffering. DON"T force yourself to rush through your grieving journey. That never works. As far as his trying to "fix" the problem, that's what most men are geared to do. I told my hubby, that I respected his way of getting over Trevor's loss and asked him to respect mine as well. That means that we don't expect the other person to necessarily DO anything about our grief, just "be there" and sometimes just leave us alone with our thought and feelings. When I talk about Trevor I don't expect an answer from my husband and am grateful on the occasions when I do! Make that boundary clear to him. You will respect him, but he must also respect you, at least with your terrible losses. I know it sounds easier than doing it, but once you've made the move, you might be surprised at the relief YOU feel and the response you get. By the way, respecting someone else's ideas, etc. doesn't mean you have to agree or even understand where they are coming from, but you are showing them the respect that every person deserves. Oh! And the anger is totally undestandable, too. Soooooo many emotions are running through your mind and heart at this time and there's not a whole lot you can do with that right now, except accepting them as part of this horrid roller coaster.

You reminded me that, after Rudy died, I slept with his 2nd favorite stuffed Barney toy. (His favorite went with him in his grave.) Matter of fact, that Barney is still on my bed and I sleep close to it at night, too. When my Birney died, I slept with one of his king-siezed pillows. (We have a very crowded king-size bed!) And Rudy's been gone for over 3 years. At this point, whatever gives you comfort at night----it's OK.

I know I have written a whole lot of stuff for now. I just feel so badly for you and our situations (except for the cruises) sound incredibly similar. Keep writing on this site (even during the night if you need to). You will get all the understanding and support you need/want. And when you can, please tell us more about Misha and Bowie!

Blessings.........................
Bobbie