I Hate Mondays, I'm alone again Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I hate Mondays. It means I'm alone, again.

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my precious Bowie and 7 weeks since I let Misha go. I'm still not okay. I cry for Bowie every day. I still wish he'd come back to me. I guess I'm "stuck" in my grieving process and my husband doesn't understand. He moved on in the first week and is looking towards the future, he says, and I'm stuck in the past. He's not a very emotional person and has told me he can't relate to the way I'm feeling. I don't understand how he got over Bowie that quickly. How he doesn't miss them, or doesn't want to talk about them. I feel alone, even when he's around. But, when Mondays come around, I really am alone. Almost 16 years having Misha and Bowie by my side during the day - pretty much my entire adult life - and now, no one. To top it off, my husband is going out of town for a business trip this week and I'm afraid. I haven't been alone, overnight, in almost 16 years. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I guess you need to know that I don't have children. For much of the last 13 years I worked from home, part time, in various jobs. So, I was with my dogs, a lot. And they were my focus. I quit my last job at the end of June this year, because I couldn't do it anymore. The stress of caring for Misha and her deteriorating health/multiple health problems for the last two years, along with trying to be a good mom to Bowie, and trying to keep our home and life in some sort of order, finally got to me and something had to go. A bonus to not working was that I was going to be able to spend all of my time making up the last couple of years to Bowie, once I let Misha go, which I knew was going to be soon. But, that hope, that plan, was ripped away with the cancer diagnosis. And, months ago, in the midst of our life being on hold while Misha was going downhill, my husband was resentful that we couldn't go on vacation. He wanted to escape, which I understood, but I was Misha's caregiver...we weren't going anywhere until she was gone. He came up with his dream vacation and I promised we could do that extended one when Bowie left us - which I thought would be in 3-4 years. The week after we lost Bowie, he booked his dream vacation, with my input, although it was reluctant. And, he wants to take a second one. These trips are 3-4 week long trips that I refuse to take if we have a dog, so we have to take them now. So, I can't get another dog for about a year. After these trips are over. And, no, I'm not excited about them. They'll always be tied to losing my Bowie. Husband is not happy that I'm not excited about the trips.

So, it's Monday, and I'm alone again. I'm having a lot of trouble with that, along with everything I've lost...my babies, my past, my plans for the future, my life, my identity.

Misha's Mommy

[janika]

Dear Misha's Mom

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Misha and Bowie. What you must have been through, I know must be unbearable. Your darlings are together, and no longer enduring any pain or suffering. I know this seems poor consulation when you are feeling the pain of the double loss so badly. I wish I could do or say something to make the pain go away, but this is something that will take time... believe me it will ease, eventually so that you can think of your Angels in a happy way, and the love will come flooding back without being accompanied by so much pain and heartache. They would not want their beloved MOM to be sad, bless them.

I am sorry that your husband is not being more compassionate. Maybe it's his way of coping, seeming to be strong, maybe even thinking that in his way he will be helping you by being 'strong'. Also booking the holidays might be his way of trying to help you... and him , by having something to look forward to. I know just how you feel. My family booked to take me away for a week to Yorkshire, just after I lost my Noushka (2 years ago now). I dreaded it, and I must admit I spent most of the first days crying, the next few days talking to anyone who I saw with a dog, asking if I could have a hug, and telling them all about my darling Angels, Tasha and Noushka. I have to admit that it was a good thing, really, I think just the talking about them to other dog lovers helped so much.... a little like on this great forum.
Take each day , one at a time.... try and think of happy things you all did together,,, close your eyes and picture them in your minds eye. I still do this... I don't even have to try very hard, involuntarily their faces appear to me when I close my eyes.... I'm not sure how this happens but I always feel comforted.
Please know that you are not alone, there are so many wonderful friends here on this site. Please come back when you can and let us know how you are. This weekend when your husband is away, do you have someone you could stay with maybe, or someone who could visit you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your darlings, Misha and Bowie
Massive hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie