Lost My Sweet Kitty Options

[JasperKitty]

Hi all. My name's Jen, and I'm here because I lost my Jasper just two days ago. I never knew his exact age -- he was originally my mother-in-law's cat, and she doesn't remember for sure, but he was somewhere around 16 or 17. In February of this year, I noticed he seemed a little out of sorts. I didn't think much about it at the time, because he's had arthritis and IBD for years, so I just figured he was having a flare up of one or both. Also, I'd adopted a rescued c.o.c.k.atiel (the censor apparently has an issue with the name of my type of bird because of the first four letters) in January, and it turned out that Buzzy had several health issues and needed lots of care, and I figured Jasper was jealous of the time I was spending with the bird. In March I noticed Jasper had lost quite a bit of weight on top of the other issues, so I took him to the vet, and he was diagnosed with diabetes. We treated him with insulin injections twice a day, and he seemed to perk up quite a bit, and his glucose tests always checked out fine.

At his monthly check up last week, we discovered he'd lost a bit of weight again, so the plan was to give him a full physical with a complete blood workup at his next visit (and he went in once a month). Well, this past Sunday night, I noticed him stumbling, and my first thought was "hypoglycemia!" so I gave him some corn syrup and food, and he seemed to perk up some. I stayed up with him until 3:30am, and he seemed to be a little tired, but otherwise okay. When I woke up Monday, he ran to the bedroom door and meowed at me as normal, so I figured he was fine. I took care of him, my other furbaby, and the featherbaby, and then headed out for my volunteer shift at a wildlife rehab. When I got home that evening, I found Jasper stumbling again, right around the time his morning insulin should have worn off, which told me it probably hadn't been hypoglycemia. The vet's office was closed for the night at that point, but I'd already decided I would call in the morning.

He only ate a few bites of his dinner that night, and he wouldn't accept much handfeeding. He mostly just took the food into his mouth, chewed it a bit, and let it fall out again. He couldn't get down the stairs to his litter box (and my husband didn't want to move the box upstairs), so I carried Jasper up and down the stairs every couple of hours, so he could go. He peed, but didn't have any bowel movements. The next morning, he couldn't even stand up all the way (he was walking LOUDLY and on his entire back paws). He also kept walking into things, and seemed to be in pain. He didn't react when we talked to him or said his name. Of course, we took him to the vet.

The vet examined him, and said it looked like Jasper's nerves were shot from the diabetes. He said that they could hospitalize him and try a few things that might help him for a little while, but he didn't think it would do much good long term. So, my husband and I made the decision to let Jasper go. We decided to stay with him for the euthanasia, because we didn't want him to go with only the vet and techs with him. I don't regret it, but it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. The vet and techs were great, but when they put in the needle, ever ounce of my being wanted to scream "STOP!", and when they injected the liquid, I felt a sensation I've never felt before, and am not looking forward to experiencing again. I can't explain it, but it was like a piece of myself died along with Jasper.

The rest of that day actually wasn't too bad. I'd already had an appointment scheduled for Buzzy's "well birdie" checkup that afternoon (different vet's office, since Jasper's vet doesn't see birds), and I decided to keep it, thinking that taking care of another pet's needs would help, and it did. I also think my bird and Hook, our other kitty, knew we were hurting, because Buzzy stayed firmly planted on my shoulder for most of the rest of the day, and Hook snuggled with my husband.

However, yesterday and today have been miserable. I've actually started off okay in the mornings, but at around 11:00am each day (roughly the time of day Jasper passed), I've lost it. I haven't made it through a full day of work (fortunately, my boss seems very understanding). When I came home today, Hook kept looking at the door and at my arms, and I KNOW he was looking for Jasper. The rest of the day has been a roller coaster. I'll feel fine for a little while, and then I'll feel that awful pain and cry my eyes out for a little while. Hanging out with Buzzy and Hook helps, but I try to leave them alone when I'm at my worst, because I don't want them to pick up on that and feel miserable, too.

I just miss him so much, and I'm starting to go through the guilt phase. I can't help but wonder if I should have asked the vet try to try to save him (because you just never know), or if it would have made a difference if I'd taken him in back in February when I first noticed something was off. Or if I'd taken him in on Monday instead of Tuesday this week. Or if I'd asked to do the full physical and blood workup right after we noticed the new weight loss. I also wonder if the fact that I occasionally slept in a bit and gave Jasper his shot a little late had anything to do with it (the vet had previously told me it was okay once in awhile, because the insulin Jasper was on was the most forgiving one, but I still can't help but wonder!)

I just miss my kitty.

[JasperKitty]

Thanks leejaye, and thanks again, moon_beam!

I had to work the entire weekend (I work at a museum, and I usually work Wed. - Sun.). It was slow for the most part, which is a good thing. I'm lucky to have quite a few animal-lover co-workers, and they were willing (and had time) to listen to me when I needed to talk. One of them lost a beloved cat to renal failure about a year ago now, so she could completely relate! I've found that just talking helps a lot. I still feel the pain of course, but it helps me work through it.

Hook and Buzzy seem to be doing a bit better, though Buzzy seemed quiet again this evening when I had him out in the living room with me. The evening "social hour" (usually more like two or three hours) is when he and Jasper would see each other. Hook's still yowling when he's left alone, but I've discovered that leaving a light on for him at all times helps.

It's been exactly one week now since I saw Jasper stumble. I kinda knew then that he wasn't going to be around much longer, but I was thinking a couple months. Not less than two days! Or maybe I was just trying to be optimistic. I seem to remember telling him "I'm not ready," when I was putting the corn syrup on his gum.

On the plus side, I could have sworn I saw him out of the corner of my eye for a second earlier tonight. I'd thought I'd seen him before, but each time, I figured out what I'd actually seen. This time, there was nothing in the area I could have possible confused with a kitty.