Rip My Sweet Baby Chessa Options

[nurse2b013]

Hello all. Unfortunately my posts were lost about my precious kitty when the system crashed, but I'm still really struggling with my grief so I wanted to post again.

My 8 year old Chessa was my cat, and my cat alone. She was soooo attached to me, and only me...as I was to her. She didn't have the time of day for anyone else, even my husband. She had cancer. I experienced some horrible anticipatory grief. My baby, who used to jump 4.5 feet onto the windowsill, could barely walk up and down the steps. When Chessa was healthy, she was constantly with me. I could barely even sit down before she would be in my lap, giving my hands "kitty kisses". In her last week or so on earth, she hid in the closet and hardly wanted anything to do with me. She only came out to eat her soft food and use the litter box. Every so often she would still come up to me, and I'd gently lay her on me and she'd purr and purr. How I miss those sounds, how I miss looking into her beautiful green eyes.

When Chessa no longer wanted to eat, I knew it was time. I spent her last night with her, sleeping on the floor with her, talking to her and stroking her paw . The same paw that the next day the vet used to end her pain on earth. I held Chessa's head as she left this world...mine was the last face she saw. I told her I loved her, and I hope she knew that...this was on 7/19/2011.

I took Chessa to a private crematory and have yet to pick up her remains. Maybe sometime this week...

I lost my best friend. Being in my house is agony now. I keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye. I cannot wash the shirt I used to last hold her in because it's covered in her cat hair. Even scooping out the litter box for the last time made me cry. (I have 2 other furbabies also) The first time I used the electric can opener to open tuna caused me to have a meltdown...I could hear her cries in my head along with my other two's actual cries. Seeing only two of them lapping up the tuna water broke my heart. I feel like my world will never be the same again. I miss her so much it hurts. I keep talking to her...I hope she can hear me...

[nurse2b013]

I can't believe my Chessa has been gone for over a month now. Sometimes I struggle to remember how her fur felt when I was petting her, or how she used to sound when she purred. That makes me so sad, that I really have to concentrate to remember. I took it all for granted during her too-short life with me...and now I miss it so much.

I've healed from my surgery, but nursing school has started so I am very busy and distracted. I don't have alot of time to mourn Chessa properly now, and this makes me feel sad and guilty. I still think about her dozens of times a day, but I usually have to force the thought from my head because I can't afford to get all worked up. Even typing that makes me sound and feel like an awful person!

Chessa girl, mommy misses you so much. I'm sorry I don't have as much time now to talk to you, or cry over you. I hope you understand that it's not because I didn't love you more than anything in the world...

Jodi