Trevor Has Gone Away......, he died on Friday 7/22 Options

[Bobbie]

Hello Everyone!

I guess I am back on my own. I just wrote a very long message on my sister's site (Gretta's mom) called something like "Another loss in the family..."

I will write on my own tomorrow.

God bless you all!

Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Oh my. It's so hard to "be strong". I don't want to be strong. I don't want to "move on" unless it means that the searing, scorching pain of missing Trevor (and now, would you believe it? Rudy, my dog before Trevor) eases at least into a horrendous ache. I'm not counting on anything past that. It's so confusing: during the day, when I am with my sister and busy, thoughts of Trevor are not as painful and I can talk about him without crying. But as soon, as the evening comes and, especially, when it is time to go to bed, everything rushes sraight towards me, as if Trevor were dying in my arms again, right then and there.
I miss you, hunky bunky. I don't want to empty your little water bowl from the bedroom because that is the last thing that has a physical, living part of you in it - your saliva from your last drink of water that morning. And I cana't pour any part of you down the drain. I just simply cannot believe that you have been here and are gone already! It's not fair! It's not fair at all and I hate it. I told myself that I would treasure every day with you and make the days like Christmas for you because you didn't have a fighting chance. And yet, that all slipped by. Where did I go wrong? How did it all slip by/away so fast?

Trevor, you gave me your love when no one else gave me any, even when I didn't give myself any love. You were the rock, the unchanging factor, in a world that got pretty rocky at times. You needed me. And you loved me (for it). I don't need anything more. Right now, the wound is so fresh, the pain so searing, the ache so deep that I don't think days will ever get better. And I want them to. But not yet. I want to wallow in the memory of your hair in my face, your softness lying next to mine, both on those days we napped in front of the TV together, and on that very last day on this earth. Simply put, I want you, Trevor, and I know I can't have what I had. That's the awful part.

I am so sad. And I know you don't want me to be sad. You might have to have Rudy, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Crocker or Gretta explain this part about us humans. I know, for you, it is simple. For me (us) is it not. I have so many things that I'll have to work through. But, if you don't mind, for the rest of this week, I'm just going to stay in the moment - YOUR MOMENT. That's all that counts and that will count, until I am ready, with your help, to take the next baby step forward. Today, we had to take the flowers away from your grave because they went bad quickly in this heat. Did you notice the nine Beanie Baby Dogs that now circle your grave? They are there to keep you company, protect your body and grave from any harm, and shout out to everyone who goes through the cemetery and happens upon them HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Sleep well, my love! I love you, Trevor!
Mommy