My Dog Cowboy Options

[cowboy]

It has been 37 hours and 12 minutes since my dog cowboy passed. Its was so sudden and scary I cant even come to terms with the thoughts of it yet. I dont know what killed him and its not that important to me to know. The fact he is gone is all that matters. We had just gone out for morning bathroom time and come in to eat. He ate his breakfast and his treat then jumped up on the couch to give me kisses. I feel blessed that i told him how much he meant to me just before he died. We were laying down to take a nap before i went to work, him on his end of the couch on his couch bed and me with my foot rubbing his back when he suddenly started yelling in a way ive never heard. i jumped up and went to him asking him what was wrong and when he got silent he let out his last breath. it took nearly five minutes for me to realise he had passed. Sorry if my grahamer isnt correct i can barely see the screen. I think im jumping between the guilt and anger phase right now because i keep thinking there must have been a sign i missed. I keep wondering if maybe he wasnt dead when i wrapped him up and took him to the hospital to be creamated. Angry with myself for not being sure whether to get an urn or not, i decided not. I have pictures and some of the most wonderful memories. We had just gone to the vet on saturday and they didnt find anything wrong with him other than his heart murmur which was found 2 years ago but they never seemed concerned about it and just told me the signs to watch for. I just cant think of any moment that one of them appeared. Im hoping writing on here will help. I still havent been able to eat, but i do have a lapband that makes it difficult in the first place this is just making it harder.It just feels like I have a big weight sitting on my chest. I keep remembering all the good times and then the horror of him dying like that. I am usually one of those macho guys that doesnt cry and i havent been able to control it. Ive done ok during the day its just at night it gets to be overwhelming. i cant even turn on the tv. i was ok my first day back at work until my boss came and told me that we were done and there was no need to stay at work. It just hit me that i have to go home for the first of many times to my apartment without him. everyone keeps telling me they understand and that they are here if I need them but none of them ever took the time to get to know cowboy so i dont feel like they are the right ones to talk to about it. And then I get angry because I dont want understanding or to talk I just want cowboy back. Well I guess ive ranted enough for now. I hope it makes somekind of sense. Ill try to post again after ive gotten to a better place where i can understand myself. Thank you for reading this it really does mean alot to know others can feel the same way I do.

[Kristina]

Cowboy

I will do my best to offer you some words of encouragement, however I am still new with the grief of my own, but all of us here need a sounding board sometimes. There are other members, moonbeam in particular, who are much better with words than I am, however I couldn't read your post and not respond.

All of us are here for one reason. We are each missing something very very important in our lives, our beloved pets. Every single person here has asked "what if" countless times. Although each of our pets passed in a different manner, the point is that we no longer have them with us, and it hurts like hell.

I will tell you that it does get better, day by day, although right now I know it doesn't feel that way. You will have setbacks along the way that will cripple you, but you will keep on going because that is what your beloved Cowboy would have wanted. Our babies don't want us to be sad over their passing, they want us to remember all the wonderful times we shared together.

I am a bit farther in my grief journey than you, having lost my beloved Dixie almost one month ago. I have good days and bad days, as will you. We are here for you 110%. If you need to let off steam, if you need to cry, even if what you are typing doesn't seem to make any sense to you, we get it my friend. We support each other, we give advice, we just listen, because each of us is hurting.

Our animals have such a huge impact on our lives. If you need to cry, do it. I will tell you that in the 8 years I have been with my husband I have seen him cry twice. Once being when we lost our Dixie. It is something that cannot be held in. Let it out.

Keep coming here. Tell us all about your Cowboy. Tell us about your day. Tell us anything. We will be here. Sending much love to you.