Trevor Has Gone Away......, he died on Friday 7/22 Options

[Bobbie]

Hello Everyone!

I guess I am back on my own. I just wrote a very long message on my sister's site (Gretta's mom) called something like "Another loss in the family..."

I will write on my own tomorrow.

God bless you all!

Bobbie

[Bobbie]

Dear Moon Beam and all my other precious LS friends,

Thank you for the suggestion of finding something of Trevor's to sleep with. Unfortunately, by the time Trevor came into our lives, his neurologic condition had deteriorated to the point where he did not know how to play with anything. He only learned to chew on real marrow bones because I taught him and then I had to hold onto the bone each time. I really enjoyed that. We buried Trevor with his favorite comforter and a lock of mine and his Grandmom's hair woven into his, along with every favorite treat, etc. he had. When I first read your suggestion, I was actually desolate because I didn't have anything of Trevor's except his clean, but used puppy pads, which I have been sleeping with and crying into already. Then it came to me....Stan cute a 12 inch square piece from his next-to-favorite blanket tonight and I went to bed clutching that, his potty pad and his picture and I felt a bit better.

Although my sister, Jeanne, is doing a wonderful job staying with me and supporting me, she cannot do this 24/7, nor do I expect her to. And I know that once she leaves to go home to Rufus, the days will be totally mine. Yikes. That is why I am trying to open myself to the nightly experience of being "alone" and feeling the searing loneliness without Trevor. I feel like my inner core has shut down into a non-feeling, non-caring "thing", existing just because I have to. I don't care if I talk to anyone, I don't care. I just don't care. I want to be with my Trevor. And that's it. I don't care if it is this minute or whenver, but I want/have to be with him. On his turf? Fine, well.......Please don't think I would do anything to end my natural life because I have worked too hard in the past to stay alive, but it sure sounds wonderful to be on the other side, happy and playful with all my boys.

I just wan Trevor. I want him now. I want him to know how much I did and do and will love him forever. I don't want to live forever without him. I want him sleeping in the living room when I open the frnt door. And that moves me into another guilty area: leaving him alone at home while I did things outside the house (shopping, etc). I feel that I should have spent many more hours in the house with Trevor than I did. My brain knows this thought is silly, but my heart and soul know it's correct.

I'm sory this posting is so jumbled. There are a thousand feelings and thoughts running through me - all of them missing my Trevor.

Sleep well, tonight, my little boy. Mommy is with you and totally loves you!

XOXOxo
Trevor's mommy - Bobbie