I Will Always Love You, Princess Cinderella., Thank goodness I emailed this to someone... Options

[raerae777]

This is going to be very difficult for me to type, but I need to get it out so please bear with me.

Cinder's condition went down very rapidly last night. Everything seemed fine and I was content and peaceful and then she threw up around 10:30. I stayed up with her all night by her side as she continued to be sick throughout the night. I knew in my heart it was time. I cleaned up after her and told her it was okay, she seemed so ashamed (she never did mess in the house), I told her it was not her fault.

I fought with the decision to take her to the emergency 24 hour vet, but my mother talked me out of it and I'm glad she did. I didn't want a stranger putting her to sleep, although I would have allowed it if necessary. I talked with her a lot over the course of the night/morning. I told her it was okay to let go, that I would always love her, how much happiness and joy she had brought me and what a great, amazing, wonderful dog she was. I told her soon she would be able to see again and run wild and free. Her sugar dropped out around 5 am and I had to rub Karo syrup on her gums, but I finally got it back stable. She rested peacefully from about 6 am to 8:30 am, then started getting sick again. Dad spent all morning preparing her a spot by the edge of our woods. I wanted her vet to come to the house, but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way. His schedule left his only free time after work today so I made the decision to take her in to his office.

We gathered her favorite doggy blanket and a pink towel and sat her in the back of my dad's Bronco, the same truck my first dog, Lady, passed in. I rode in the backseat and talked to her the whole way. She didn't shake and tremble as she normally did on the way to the vet. Her wonderful vet came outside to the truck, we didn't even have to get out. I stroked and held her head as her precious life ended. My mother was also petting her. My dad couldn't watch. She went very peacefully. The moment she stopped breathing, I felt like my heart had been ripped out, my vision blurred with tears and I could not speak. Our vet told us this wasn't supposed to be easy and it's okay to be sad, that's how we know how much we love her. He told me not to have any second guesses because he agreed that it was time. He gave me a hug and said he loved us. I thanked him (best I could) and stroked Cinder's soft fur all the way home.

We drove her out to the woods and said our last goodbyes. My mom sobbed into her fur then walked back to the house to get some of her toys. I laid with her and told her she was finally home for good. I told her I hope she was already running and playing. My dad brought her favorite torn up football. We picked her up and laid her to rest. She looked at peace and is surrounded by her favorite toys: her football, tennis ball, green rope (her first toy as a puppy), and her red rubber chew toy. I kissed her on the cheek and told her, "I love you, Princess." My dad covered her up, his own therapy, we left him alone so he could finally cry over her. I thanked him for working so hard to give her a good spot. It is the most peaceful spot. In a grove of trees, shady, breezy, no noise but the wildlife around. We are planning on getting a bench to put in the grove of trees with Lady's and Cinder's names on it.

I walked back to the house sobbing and went straight to her doggy bed and curled in it. I could smell her and see her black hairs all over it. Everything in the house reminds me of her: the ledge in the kitchen window she scratched up as a puppy, the spot in the dining room she used to lay as we cooked supper, the rug in my floor she loved to sleep on, her food bowls, her brush and shampoo laying on a ledge outside, her plethora of food and treats in the laundry room, and so much more.

Her life played before my eyes last night, from the day I brought her home as a tiny puppy up to her last days. We grew up together. She was there during middle school, junior high, high school, college and a year after college. She was my best friend and confidant, she knew everything about me and still loved me. She never judged and always offered a shoulder (or belly) to cry on. She got me through many rough times. She loved me, an imperfect human being, perfectly. I told her last night I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I'm so blessed to have experienced this kind of love. She truly has a piece of my soul with her, and I a piece of hers. I know now that she is free and running with all the other angelic creatures. She is so beautiful.

I never imagined it would be this hard to let go. We love so hard and it makes it so painful. I ache all over for her. I swear I can hear her in the house. I just want to run to her and bury my face in her hair and feel her kiss on my cheek, but I can't. I am sharing Cinder's last picture again. I absolutely love it and I am so thankful my dad was able to capture this peaceful moment of us together.

Thank you all for reading this, I will get through it, but I will need help and time. I want to especially thank Kristina for talking me through some hard times last night, I was so glad to have her to talk to and she gave me some comfort when I needed it most, so thank you. I told Cinder to look for Dixie and tell her that her mama loves her very much.

I love you Cinder, always will. You were the sweetest girl there ever was.

Cinder's Mama

[moon_beam]

Hi, Rae, as our other wonderful friends have mentioned, I too wish to thank you for re-creating your topic with the wonderful picture of you and your precious Cinder. That is a beautiful picture, and a memory you will forever treasure.

Rae, this grief journey is one of adjustment. I'm so very glad you were able to give your boyfriend Cinder's food, yet I share how difficult this was for you. When my first canine companion Samson joined the angels I took his food to the shelter. I was okay driving there knowing that I was doing the right thing but as I was driving up to the shelter I started feeling the wave of deep sorrow begin to swell, and by the time I got the food out of the car and was taking it over to the animal control officer I was in deep gut-wrenching tears I couldn't even talk. I just handed him the bag with all the food in it and walked away as quickly as I could. When my Oslo joined the angels the setting was different - - I returned his unopened food to PetsMart, but the experience was the same.

The food is an important gift to others - - and your precious Cinder is so very proud of you for thinking of others at this very deep sorrowful moment - - when you are wishing with all your heart that your precious Cinder were still physically with you and able to enjoy this food which was bought for HER. But this is the ONLY "immediate" decision you need to make, Rae.

Making a scrapbook is always a good way to offer yourself a path to remembering your precious Cinder's earthly journey with you and your family and friends. I found it very comforting as I worked on scrapbooks for each of my beloved compainons, and with my Oslo and Abbygayle I did video slide shows set to music, and shared them with family, friends, and made copies of them for their vets and vet techs - - who also deeply appreciated them. I hope you will find making a scrapbook of your precious Cinder as comforting for you as I have found it to be for me.

Rae, this adjustment journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride - -there are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes it feels like there is no end to it. I assure you, Rae, one day when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your precious Cinder and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling, - - and your heart will be warmed by her sweet Living Spirit softly saying to you - - "yes, mom - - that's what I want - - I want you to be happy so that you can feel me always with you." It's just going to take healing time, Rae, one day at a time - - one moment at a time - - but I promise you it will happen.

Rae, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are your mom and dad. I hope today is being kind to each of you, and please know I am looking forward to knowing you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam