Crying Again Options

[susanka1113]

Hi all,

I need to rant some more. It seems that Tuesdays will be hard for a while. It's 3 weeks to the day that we had to say goodbye to Kona. I realize that I've cried every single day since she's been gone. Some days it's just a few tears, but other days it's a deluge, and today is a deluge.

I'm starting to feel guilty for euthanizing her. I'm starting to think of the "what ifs". Maybe if I'd had her spleen removed, it wouldn't have been so bad and she'd still be with us today. I didn't want to put her through any more big surgeries. When we had her leg amputated in August it was very hard to watch. She had a bad reaction to the codeine and whined like she was in pain for a week. But, we got through it and she thrived with only 3 legs.

I guess this doesn't make sense if I haven't explained Kona's illness. She was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in August for which we had her leg amputated. We contemplated chemo, but decided against it for it would not cure the cancer, only delay the inevitable and might make her sick. Early in November she suddenly stopped moving and refused to eat. We took her in and they took x-rays and found that the cancer had spread to her lungs and that she had masses in her spleen. The vet said the masses might bleed and the symptoms would be bloating and immobility.

I keep going back to the day we took her to the vet that last time. She'd had a bad night. She was bloated to about twice her normal size and couldn't get comfortable. But, when we took her to the vet, she seemed to perk up. She didn't know what was coming. I'll never forget seeing her head sort of bob and rest on the floor that last time.

Guess it's time to get another box of kleenex

Susan

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[susanka1113]

Thank you all again for responding. You've all been so kind and I'd really like to return the favor someday when I feel stronger.

Kathleen, your avatar is beautiful. That picture is so sweet. Our stories are similar. I know that you gave Shiloh a wonderful goodbye. I found I pretty much devoted everything I did to making sure Kona was feeling okay once she was diagnosed. There's a big empty spot. Shiloh was your constant companion, just like Kona was mine. I didn't ever think that I could be the one to say enough and end it. I still do the what ifs. It's funny that they didn't start until now. When we took Kona to the vet, I was sure I was doing the right thing.

DJ, if you read this I hope you don't mind that I actually printed out your post. I read it when the guilt starts up. I think underneath the sorrow and emotions I know I had to set Kona free. Thank you for putting those words down.

Ann, I know that Chili Bean is happily chasing Kona right now. The tears are healing, but I think they'll be many, many more of them to come.

I hope that someday I'll feel stronger and be able to support someone else. Man, I really have a hard time putting my thoughts to words. I hope this is coming out okay.

Hugs to all of you
Susan