My Zoe Options

[Erin]

My name is Erin. I'm 24 years old. I live in Clarks Summit, PA, and I just lost my baby pup, Zoe. She was going to be 8 years old on May 19, we shared a birthday.

Last month she got very sick. I remember the day, I woke up and went into the kitchen. She was on the couch and I heard her get up so I went to give her a hug and kiss. She was in the corner breathing really hard. I thought she was gonna throw up but she didn't. I got her to go outside to get some air and she seemed to be doing a little better. She was outside again when I was leaving for work, I gave her a hug and kiss and turned to go to my car, when I got this overwhelming feeling of panic. I turned around to look at her, and thought to myself, what if this is the last time I see her? I went back over and gave her more hugs and kisses and told her I loved her. That night my family took her to the hospital because she was so sick. The doctor couldn't find anything seriously wrong with her so we thought maybe she just ate something bad.

On Friday, May 13 I came home from work and my mom told me that my best girl wasn't feeling so well, we shrugged it off as her eating something bad again (she was always hanging out near the trash cans) I went out that night and bought her new toys.

The next morning I woke up to my mom coming in my room crying saying she was gone. They took her to the hospital again that morning because she wouldn't get up, my mom and dad had no idea, they thought she was just dehydrated, they left the room to wait in the lobby and the doctor came back and said she was in really bad shape and that they should think about options. Then I guess a nurse came out and said "you need to come quick", by the time they got back to her she was already gone.

My Zoe was the light of my life, my entire reason for existence. The doctor said she just had a weak heart. I've never felt so broken and sad in my whole life. My family's already ok. They got a puppy because my other dog, Guinness, has never been in the house alone and he really needs someone to play with. He loved his big sister and I worry about him a lot.

I'm finding it hard to be close to the puppy.

Zoe was my soulmate, I loved nothing and no one more than I loved her. I should have known there was something wrong.

My family thinks I'm ok. My boyfriend doesn't know what to say to me. My best friend who has been a huge help lives in Massachusetts.

I just really need someone to talk to. I miss my girl so much.

I find myself hoping I'll die soon so I can be with her.

[moon_beam]

"I'm going to start writing them down as best I could."

Hi, Erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is an excellent idea for you to write down your dreams as best you can. Some folks find it very comforting to keep a journal of their thoughts, special memories, songs, etc.. It not only enables the capture of special treasured memories, but it can also help in releasing some of the deep grief in our hearts.

I'm smiling at your putting one of Abby's collars and bandanas on the stuffed toy. I did something similar with a life-size stuffed Black Lab I got from a local specialty store many years ago. I put his collars and seatbelt / walking harness on it, and it's in one of the corners of the basement living quarters where I see it very clearly. I smile now when I look at him - - for in my heart I'm looking at my Oslo and this brings great comfort and joy to my heart.

"I'm not sure what happens after we die, I don't really have any religion to speak of. I don't know what to believe but if I could never have another thing for as long as I lived all I want is to spend eternity playing with her after I die."

Erin, you don't need to have a specific "religion" in order to believe with all your heart that love is eternal and enduring. None of us know exactly what happens when we die. But where there is love - - true love - - as we share with our beloved companions - - then there is also hope and faith. There is a quote in the Bible that says, "Faith, hope, and love - - these three - - but the greatest of these is love." So, dear Erin, hold fast onto the love that you and your precious Abby share - - yes, present tense - - for love is eternal - - it is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. And hold onto your hope, for hope is what keeps our hearts alive for better things - - and one of the better things we can hope for is to be in eternal joy with our beloved companions at our appropriate time.

There is another quote in the Bible that reads, "Faith is the thing hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." It is my sincerest hope, Erin, that as your deep grief eases you will be able to have faith, even as small as a mustard seed, that will sustain the hope in your heart as you continue through your earthly journey that you WILL BE reunited with your beloved Abby in eternal joy at your appropriate time.

And please know, Erin, I'm only using these quotes because they speak to my heart, and hopefully they will help to bring comfort and encouragement to you. They are universal words of hope and encouragement to everyone - - they are not bound by or to any specific "religion."

"I'm worried about our existence having no meaning at all." Erin, I promise you with all my heart that your and Abby's existence DOES have meaning, even though right now your heart is questioning everything. This is part of this grief journey, Erin, particularly the deep grief - - when NOTHING makes sense at all. Unfortunately there are no "instructions" that go with this grief journey - - no "Put tab A into slot B". It's a journey that especially during the deep grief leaves us feeling like we're "rambling" - - disconnected - - lost -- exhausted. I promise you, Erin, this, too, shall pass. One day, probably when you least expect it, you will find yourself thinking of your precious Abby and you will find yourself smiling - - and when this happens, Erin, you will begin to know that your precious Abby's sweet Living Spirit is still with you, and your heart will be filled with a "newness" - - and this is a good thing. It just takes time, Erin, - - healing time.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Erin. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Erin, and look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam