A Heart Divided - Need Some Help, Am I being disloyal to my Gretta girl? Options

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Lightning Strike friends

I know the answer to my question. I just need a few words of wisdom. As you can guess, I have a new dog - a half black lab-half Newfie named Rufus. (Peggy, would you mind helping me again posting the pictures? I still don't know how. Thanks so much.) I am a solo and my best friend and soul-mate Gretta-the-Great went to the Perfect World on April 10, not so long ago. All of you helped me SOOOOOOOO much through those hellish first days and "firsts without". Automaton passed into shot-in-the-heart (which Moonbeam so kindly explained as having exchanged pieces of heart with our babies) and that passed into concrete slab on both heart and body.

Lightning Strike has helped be SO much. You can see I respond regularly and trying to help others rebounds to oneself as healing - just like loving a soul-animal rebounds a million-fold in their love for you. The tears the writing on Lightning Strike brings are good tears - they hurt but they're not toxic. Thank you for giving me this wonderful chance. Now, even though I know what I've done is right and OK, I need a few words of encouragement.

About three weeks ago, I went to see my God-given vet for a sort of "closing" conversation. He loved Gretta as much as I do and had doctored her from the starving stray she was when she was first rescued to what he once told me: that in all his years of practice he'd never seem a dog as loved as Gretta. For about a month, I wrote a daily message to Gretta - telling her how much I love her and miss her, asking her how her new life was, letting he know what I was doing, asking if she "remebered when". On my way out of the vet's office some words came out of my mouth that surprised me - he treats a lot of rescue dogs so I asked him if he came upon an old dog that nobody wanted would he tell me about it. Of course, he said he would - and then left the country for a couple of weeks.

Those words seemd to start a chain of "automaton-like" actions. I looked on the web site of the rescue agency from which Gretta had chosen me. They didn't have anybody younger than 7.5, and being fairly close to being on a fixed income and vet bills being so high no matter how wonderful the vet, I wanted to adopt a dog whose life span would roughly match my fixed income date. I looked on another local site and saw an 8 year old Chessi/Chocolate lab mix ( at least that's what they said -turned out is was more likely Chessie and some kind of terrier) so I made an appointment to meet her. Earlier in the day, she'd been supposed to be placed in a foster home but "didn't get along with the resident dog" - an 11 year old black lab. My thought was - who couldn't get along with an 11 year old lab! We met in a large 'alternative' pet store where I found her very active but manageable, took her on a short walk and returned to the store. Meanwhile, the owner had come from upstairs with her unleashed boxer - and the Chessie provoked a response and then tried to bite the boxer. Turns out this was the second time that had happened that day - the first being a similar incident with the 11 year old lab. I slept on it and decided that this dog was too much for me - that I wouldn't be able to feel safe in my own home let alone guarantee the safety of other when we went on walks. So I decided against it.

(I'm going to post this as more than one posting b/c my computer has a tendency to go nuts at unscheduled times and I don't want this to be lost - it already was once!)

Gretta's mom

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi friends - Part 2

The next day I went back on the original site and decided that Rufus the 7.5 year old "black lab mix" wasn't so out of range after all. The description said she had back leg tremors that had been ruled benign and was 95# (about 30 pounds heavier that Gretta) - but I thought "a lab" - it can work. So I hurried up and let the group know that I wanted to adopt Mr Rufus. I hope that at least a little of my hurry to adopt was Gretta opening my heart and not just 100% a reaction to my own loneliness and grief.

The changeover was arranged - since I was a known and acceptable quantity to the agency - and took place two days later in a park just over the state line into Wisconsin. Rufus's foster mom lived about 60 miles further east than that so it was a good place to meet. Right away things were a little different than they had been represented. First of all, Rufus had been in this foster home for a year and a half and being so far away from the Twin Cities had never been brought to an adoption event. Hard - but not impossible - to get adopted from a web site that discloses (a good thing) a physical problem. Not a deal-breaker. Then Rufus came walking down off a ramp and I saw that she was HUGE. Definitely NOT a lab mix - and definitely WAY more than 95#. Big - and fat - but still not a deal breaker. She was sweet and had deep brown eyes that looked like they had seen the sadness of the entire world. Her legs were shaking pretty badly but the foster mom said she could outwalk anyone on earth and could do steps - which would have been a deal-breaker if she had not been able to do that, b/c there are 5 stairs leading to my front door. She was big and black and had a soft coat - more like a flat-coated retriever and she was clearly a mix /cuz she had a white blaze on her chest. I got her into my car somehow and we drove back to my home.

I felt in my heart that I didn't love her with my entire heart - not the way I did when I first saw Gretta and she chose me by laying her gentle head in my lap. Peggy's Human was great at explaining to me that this was &%^ogous to losing a beloved person - the love of your life - and having a good friend stick with you and give you support during that horrible time. And then suddenly one day you wake up and realize that you love him. Not in the same way as your lost one, but in a new way - and that's OK. I bought a giant crate which filled up my dining room and Rufus moved in. I kept up my daily messages to Gretta - reassuring her that she was first and always would be in my heart (like you need to tell a spirit-animal stuff like that - they GET IT way before you do). And I went back on my first day promises that no one would ever sleep on her dog bed or eat from her dog "restaurant" again.

After about 3 days I felt Gretta telling me to let Rufus know that he was loved for himself. That he wasn't "just a replacement dog." I started opening my heart to him a little more. His only "bad" behavior was that when I'd come home after an absence he'd get so excited he'd let out a bark or two - a major sound from such a big dog. And I knew that was a no-no in an urban fourplex - where the landlord had really extended himself letting me have a dog in the first place. My very experience sister reminded me about the "totally ignoring/move slowly/turn your back on him" approach and it worked a miracle. (I thought we must be being filmed for a dog training VDO we did so well.) Rufus really wants to please. He's a handful on walks but not a dragger - just big and heavy. Since he's spent his last 18 months in a semi-rural area, she likes to chase critters - also a no-no in an urban area just 3 blocks from the richest homes in the city (it drops off fast!) Having a furry creature in your mouth is STRICTLY PROHIBITED around here no matter how natural.

Last Thursday I took Rufus to the vet for a get-acquainted meeting and discovered things were DEFINITELY not as they had been portrayed. Rufus's leg tremors were NOT benign muscle shaking. The vet could tell from the outside and by having Rufus sit for a treat that he had two bad ACLs on his back knees, a severe read-end weakness adn that the shaking was likely due to a neurological problem like a spinal stenosis. I could see the bills shooting out of sight even NOT on a fixed income. Besides that, the vet told me he'd thought about me a few days before when treating a rescue dog that looked exaclty like Gretta and that he'd planned to tell that rescue agency that he had a potential home for this dog. GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!

I hadn't been writing to Gretta for about a week and I felt bad about that - like I was just casting her aside. Of course, the fact that I cried every time I wrote something on Lightning Strike told me that wasn't exactly true. I also thought that Gretta must have sent Rufus to me for the care he needed and did so just in time to make it impossible to adopt her twin sister. I do love Rufus - even more now that I feel it was "in the plan." But I feel very sad about making this move so fast - only a month after my all-time #1 friend had passed. And stopping even writing to her. And going back on my promises to her about her dog bed and restaurant. Some nights i sleep with the pillow I had made for her ashes (the one pictured on Lightning Strike) but I feel so disloyal. I know I need to realize that love is infinite and indivisible. In fact, I've even said these very words when trying to console a new Lightning Striker. But in my heart of hearts I still feel unreasonable pangs of guilt. Love IS infinite. It IS indivisible. Gretta IS continuing to take care of me and guide me. It's just my human training that's coming up to bite me (and we all know how reliable THAt is!)

Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for being the other twigs that, together, make me strong. And thank you for listening and understanding this 'confession.' Gretta, mom loves you. You know that and I know that. And I also know that you sent Rufus to me because you knew he needed way more help than he was getting adn that I'd do everything I could to help him. Thank you, Gretta-girl.

Your loving mom.

Gretta's mom