My Heart Is Breaking Options

[my lovley sammy]

Hi everyone.
I am in england so I hope you wont mind me telling you my story
Yesterday I had my 10 year old beautiful collie/spaniel dog Sammy put to sleep. He came into my life 6 years ago when I was at my lowest ebb and saved me from doing something really stupid. My 18 dog had died at christmas, my husband left me out of the blue in the january and my 14 year old cavalier died in the may. The day after my cavalier passed away I seriously thought about killing myself. At 5am i was sat there when i felt as if i was surrounded by angels and pure love. They told me not be silly and something better was round the corner. The next day I dragged myself into work which was the last thing i felt like doing and at 10am i received a phone call from the local dog charity to say they had sammy in. I knew immediately that he was the dog that had been sent into my life for a reason. I loved my sammy with all my heart. He went everywhere with me. If I couldnt take sammy then i didnt go,. He came to work with me every day. My customers loved him and the children played with him . He was the most gentlist, well behaved, trustworthy dog i had ever known. I used to look into his arms when i was cuddling him and i felt pure unadultarated love for him. We had six wonderful years together and then 2 months ago he was poorly so i took him to my vet and he was diagnosed with diabetes. I worked with the vet and got him stablised with insulin and although he had lost a little weight he was gradually eating special food again. I used to look at him and think this is not the same dog , He had lost weight and he wasnt his usual playful self. The vet said i was doing a good job with him and we carried on.
On monday of this week i noticed he was very lethargic and was having trouble walking almost like he was drunk. He had diarrea and stopped eating. I rang the vet who unfortuanly was off sick and they said they would contact me after they had spoke to him..........i was told not to give sammy any insulin and to make sure he ate. The next day i came downstairs and all the food i gave him and been brought up. I put him in the car and took him to the vets and they said to give him his insulin and make sure he eats !!. I got back in my car and drove him to a larger vet practise up the road. He was admitted with a temp of 104 . They spent the day doing tests and discovered he had pancriatitis . They put him on a drip and yesterday they told me they did an ultrasound test and there was something wrong with his liver. They offered to do an op to see what was going on but the vet felt that he wouldnt pull through the op.
I held him in my arms telling him how much i loved him and thanked him for everything he had done for me and cried and cried and cried.
I havent stop crying since. I am so angry, guilty, sad, emotional and a mess. I hate being at home because everywhere i look i see him. I hated being at work today because again all i see is him. I am in so much pain that i am frightened that i will be like i was 6 years ago . I wasnt ready to let him go but i knew he was ready . He looked so ill those last few minutes . I feel as if i had let him down.
I am sorry to ramble on but i wanted you to know my story.
I didnt shed this many tears when my parents died . I am all alone again with no one. I have no family as sammy was my family.

[Gretta's Mom]

Good morning Sammy's mother

You are asking the one question that cannot be answered. And one that will drive your mind and heart to distraction. It's question of deep depair - and no wonder - half of you has disappeared, even if only temporarily. And temporary doesn't mean anything at this point. All you feel is longing - for one more minute,one more hug, one more look, one more anything. Your head tells you that it isn't going to be (and really, like moonbeam says, NO amount of time would be enough - the pain would just start all over again) but your heart doesn't hear a thing. I called my first post "Where is my Mr Waggy Tail?" and you surely know what's behind that question. Your heart is your guide - even though it causes some mighty serious pain sometimes. It guided you the first time you laid eyes on Sammy. It guided you again when, with the best of intentions, the rescue person showed you the beagle. She is SOMEBODY'S dog, just maybe not yours. My sister, who has had many dogs (Gretta was my first) says "you'll know." And you will. Just not right now.

Your only job during this shot-in-the-heart time is to do exactly what you're doing: breathing. I'm serious. One breath after another - and isn't it a good thing our physical hearts beat on their own! Sometime you hear "a day at a day" - I don't THINK so! In this deep, shocking grief, it truly is one breath at a time. And tears! If all the tears just our Lightning Strike family has shed over the disappearance of their spirit-animals, there would be no Sahara Desert. Being a solo is especially hard because the emptiness is your only focus. Everywhere you look is where Sammy or Gretta is NOT. That's the reason I slept on the dog bed. Being a solo does have advantages, though. Can you imagine what a spouse or child would have said about that!

You're a brave lady with a GREAT heart - I can tell that from where you went first (after church): a rescue organization. That was Sammy speaking to your wonderful heart and moving your feet to that place. Just moving toward what you know can be a comfort is a sign that there is a well spirit inside you. And at times like this, faith is a mighy powerful thing, too, even if you're just sitting, weeping, with your head in your hands crying out "why?". In proportion as you loved and were loved by your soulmate Sammy, you are hurting now. No words can express it or provide comfort. Just know that we are here with you and for you.

Faith provides one mighty comfort, though - the belief in the continuance of life. That's my belief, too, and that of most of the others here. How could life NOT continue? How could this amazing experience of love and care and understanding and teaching and learning just stop? Your soul and Sammy's soul have been here forever - and will be forever. You connected on a physical level and that is a huge gift. Now you - and me - and the others here - are being challenged by our better halves. They love us enough to do what a mother bird does that seems so cruel to us half-minded humans: we're being pushed out of the nest. Not permanently - just moved to a different level of connection. It takes being pushed so baby birds can learn, will learn, to fly. I'm sure they're not at all excited about it, though, no? Animals, especially our soul-animals, are FAR smarter than humans are (thank goodness). THEY know when we're ready even when we are not even thinking of the possibility. They love us enough to teach us like the best teachers have done throughout the ages - by making us struggle.

Sammy and Gretta have made friends by now. We know that. And both of them are watching over us so we don't go too far astray. Darn it, Gretta, why does this hurt so much! But our love for them and even more importantly their love for us is forever, even if in a different form. I couldn't go on if I didn't believe this. It doesn't take away the hole in your heart, but it does give me some hope to grab on to during this awful time. I'm glad you share in this faith. Don't let anyone tell you that animals are a lesser life form so they don't have souls, and can't live forever. That's a lot of malarkey (do you have that word in Britian?).

Please do something gentle and confortable for yourself today, Sammy's mother. Two things that helped me a lot were that for many weeks I wrote a daily letter to Gretta (oh yes, right through the tears) - about how much I love her, how much she meant to me, what I did that day, some "do you remember when we". And I had one of those soft pillows that are advertised on this site made for Gretta (for me, actually). They're a little pricey but I feel so much better hugging it close, even though it's not Gretta herself.

Sammy, Gretta, and all the other soul-animals are sending you their love and cheering for you as you go through this lonesome journey.

For now ......

Gretta's mom