New Here...and Very Heart-broken, My Abby Options

[Abby's Mom]

Hello everyone,

My name is Caroline and I live in Ohio. Last Wednesday I lost my beloved jack russell/rat terrier Abby. She died naturally (though she did have cushings and liver disease) and I was with her, holding her and loving on her when she took her last breath. It was gut-wrenching.

Abby was 16 1/2 years old and I'd had her since she was about 8 weeks old. I actually got her for my mom, the day after my dad's funeral. I thought a new pet would be good for my mom but it turned out it was the last thing she wanted. So I took Abby with me, as I fell immediately head over heels in love with her. It was soooo easy-

Soon I found out that Abby had been born on my dad's birthday and that made her even more special than she already was. I truly believe she was the biggest part of what helped me get through that time. As an only child, I was and am very close to my parents.

Anyway, now that my precious little girl is gone, I am drowning in grief. I go through the motions, going to work, making dinner, watching TV, etc. but I cannot shake this incredible sense of loss and feel as though a part of my heart is missing. There are times when it physically hurts.

I am single and live alone and I recently discovered that I am in a demographic that experiences a loss of this nature in the most profound way. Thankfully, I have 2 cats who I have never been more grateful for, however it is completely not the same and I see my little girl all over the house. Last night, I could have sworn I heard her little nails tapping across my hardwood floors.

I talk to her urn and have been innundating myself with photos of her but I can't help but feel as though I am going nuts. Am I suppose to feel this way? Is this normal?

How on earth will I ever feel joy again? It seems rather impossible at the moment. And even when/if I do, I fear that I will also feel guilty, as though I am betraying her memory.

I've been online looking for outlets to help with my loss and I found your site.

Does anyone have some words of wisdom for me? I keep praying that time will heal and part of me does believe that. I just keep waiting for "time" to kick in-

Thanks for listening-
-Abby's Mom

[Abby's Mom]

Thank you all. I come here every single night and am always so grateful to see a new post. Your words brought me to tears tonight (which is pretty easy these days and I swear I am NOT a crier) and I know that you all GET IT! There is an Abby-shaped hole in my heart that will be with me for the rest of my days. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since she passed and I wonder if for the rest of my life each Wednesday will become week X since Abby left? A week from now it will be a month and that's crazy. It doesn't seem possible because it hurts as much right this minute as it did on May 4th when she passed away. Okay, not AS much but darn close.

I hadn't really thought about it until Peggy brought it up but Abby visiting me in my dreams twice in less than 3 weeks is unusual. My dad passed away in 1994 and I've only dreamed of him 2-3 times until he visited me the day after Abby died. Maybe she really IS trying to let me know that she's okay in the hope that it will help me be okay too. Wouldn't that be just like my sweet baby...trying to help me through all of this? She was afterall the sweetest soul I've ever encountered in my life.

Someone mentioned that there was a lesson to be learned in the fact that our furbabies' lives are so much shorter than our own. I think it's because they are completely dependent upon us for their livelihood. They rely on us for their food, water, baths, medical attention, excercise, treats, things to look forward to like car rides and walks and of course our unconditional love. If we weren't there to give them those things they couldn't exactly run out and get that for themselves. So in that way the universe's plan makes some sense. Sadly, when you give your whole heart to another living creature like that, losing them is beyond devastating.

And to top things off my neighbors have a ##er spaniel named Abby, so everyday I hear her bark and hear them calling her from the backyard. I went over for a minute on Sunday and I could barely bring myself to pet her. Calling another "Abby" that wasn't mine was just too painful. But somehow I managed because she is a sweet little doggie too and it isn't her fault she shares my baby's name-

Oy, I'm not a dog owner anymore. That in itself is weird and I'm still not sure I can do it again. I have looked at rescue sites but am still feeling like owning another dog would somehow betray Abby's memory. Perhaps that too will pass. I do love dogs and know that I'd be a good mom to another when and if I ever become ready (the jury is still out on that one).

My gratitude to you all is infinite.

Goodnight,
Abby's Mom