Lost My Princess Cat 2 Days Ago Options

[leejaye]

I lost my best friend of 17 years 2 days ago, she was the most beautiful courageous soul i have ever met - only a tiny little cat but with the biggest heart. I got her when i was at uni and she has been the biggest part of my life ever since, she shared everything with me, she was there in a way noone else in my life has ever been, just giving me her love, we understood each instinctively from the day we met when she was the last tiniest kitten in the pet shop. 12 months ago my Mischief cat was diagnosed with feline breast cancer, a massive shock since she had always been healthy and was desexed and should have had almost no chance of of developing this disease. Fortunately i work with my partner and we were able to arrange our work so i was able to spend most of that time caring for her, we went to the vet about 2 months ago and they were amazed at how well she was doing, especially for her age, the cancer seemed stabilised, her coat was as beautiful, shiny and soft as it had ever been. We came home and continued in all the little routines of our shared life, getting up together to get breakfast, back into bed for a cuddle, time for a drink, sitting in her favourite sunny spots in the garden - we filled the day together as often as we could. Then last week she went off her food, grew quite lethargic and wanted to drink heaps, her breathing was becoming laboured (the cancer had spread to her right lung some time back but seemed to have stabilised at some point with the meds so that she usually breathed normally) and she just wanted cuddles so we went to the vet and she told us Missy had damaged kidneys from the cancer meds, she had fluid on her lungs because her kidneys weren't processing properly, so she gave Mischief a diuretic shot to shift the fluid and sent us home with a scary looking fluids bag and line and needles for subcutaneous fluids. I spent the week giving 24 hour care, sub q fluids, meds, syringing food, trying to keep the balance between her lungs and her kidneys, she tried so hard for me, she was such a little fighter, but on Friday she could hardly breathe or walk and i did the hardest thing i have ever had to do, I held her little head and her little paw while the vets gave her the injection and just told her how much i loved her and all that she was in my life, the vet said i didn't have to stay but i couldn't let her leave without me there, i didn't want her to be scared or think that i'd left her when she really needed me, she did so much for me it was the very least i could do for her, they let me stay with her afterwards but i only stayed for about 10 minutes holding and stroking her small beautiful furry little body, otherwise i would have stayed forever. I said goodbye to my best girl, my love , my little one, and my brother and i just drove for hours he let me talk when i needed, cry when i needed, be silent when i needed, i thought i might hold up, but i got home and went to sit in her spot near the heater and i lost it, i didn't think it would feel like someone ripped a hole in me, and i know i'm crying for myself, cos i had to do this for her but damn it hurt, hurts, it actually hurts in my chest and my gut. I woke up at 3am looking for her and remembered and just started sobbing convulsively and i asked her to please stay with me alittle longer til i could cope and her dad was home (my partner who has known and loved mischief and me for 10 years had to go overseas for work just before we went to the vet that long week ago). I'ts only 2 days later and i'm still crying at unpredictable times but yesterday afternoon i was looking at my photos of her, all pictures of her in her favourite spots doing her favourite things, and i was thanking her for that and thinking of all the good stuff and i got this feeling of comfort like she was there with me, it's still with me, i slept with her blanket and little cat toy and collar again last night the bed didn't feel quite as empty as it did. I've been crying while i write this and i still don't know what to do with the day, or tomorrow or the next day without her here, quite how to fill the gigantic hole a tiny cat has left.

[leejaye]

People have understood much more about my girl than i thought they would, even though i had looked at this forum when she got sick last year, i didn't understand how much reading your words and shared experience would help, i still don't know what to do with myself (my partner and i cleared these 2 and half weeks while he is away so i could be with Mischief) and bedtime is still the hardest, you get through all day and she's still not there, thought i kept seeing and hearing her today, feel like she is with me - she never liked to see me sad. Have attempted to attach a photo of her in one of her favourite ambush spots, about 18 months ago!

[Peggy's Human]

Dear leejaye,

Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of your beloved Mischief. What a stunning cat she was! I love the one with Mischief and Stumps. I love when cats and birds (and cats and dogs, etc) end up being great friends. 

When reading your posts, it took me back to the first weeks when I lost by sweet Peggy. It’s so difficult when you do things without your beloved pet for the first time. They are conspicuous by their absence and it just seems to deepen the pain of loss. As our wise Moon_Beam says, every time we do something without them is a ‘first’ and the first year is full of these events. You never know what’s going to trigger a new round of grieving. For me, tonight into tomorrow marks the 12th week of life without Peggy (1:20 am Saturday morning). I have no idea how so much time has gone by, and yet, I’m still here and life has gone on. Unimaginable to me, prior to her passing and immediately after her passing. However, as much as I miss her and there are times when the tears fall, I was able to move past the paralyzing, mind and heart numbing pain. Actually, numbing isn’t the right word. I was NEVER numb in the first weeks. It was more of being paralyzed from the intense, never ending agony of the soul. I wasn’t interested in eating, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus on work and I had no interest in spending time with friends who would want to ‘cheer me up’. When I wasn’t working, my only real communication aside from my mother (who lives with me) was this site. I just couldn’t handle dealing with others who couldn’t understand and had no interest in mundane conversation. WHO CARED about the stupid stuff going on in the world when PEGGY WAS GONE! One of the world’s brightest lights went dark when she passed and I knew that nothing else really mattered at that point. My life had permanently changed, and not for the better. I had to give myself time to come to grips with her loss and how to adjust to that change.

You, dear Leejaye, are struggling to cope with that same situation. And as Moon_Beam pointed out, evenings/nights can be the most challenging. That is the time when we typically spent the most one-on-one time with them and had our evening rituals of feeding and snuggling while we would unwind from our busy day. Now, you struggle to create new habits and your very soul is crying out to recapture the reassuring and comforting habits that revolved around and included your beloved pet. Getting through this period is truly a process. All you can do is deal with each situation as it comes along, be kind to yourself when the grief washes over you and try to find something that will bring your poor injured heart comfort. It takes time but I promise you, it will get better. You will reach a point where the intense pain will abate and you will feel a deep sadness. The sobbing tears will still come on occasion but it won’t last as long. The intense pain will occasionally overwhelm you, but again, it won’t last as long as it did in the beginning. And one day, as inconceivable as it seems, you will laugh and realize you actually feel the humor and joy in that moment. For me, the first time I laughed and really felt it, I realized I was finally on the road to healing. I have experienced some set backs along the way and have realized I will always love and miss Peggy but I know she’s in a better place and we’ll be reunited some day. I honestly believe this and believe it’s true for you as well.

Leejaye, please know that even when I’m unable to logon and post, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m praying that the pain in your heart eases soon and you’ll be able to find more smiles than tears in your treasured memoires of your beautiful Mischief (who is obviously hanging around you, trying to help you deal with her passing!).

Big hug to you!

Peggy (the human)