Still Grieving Finn And Now Linc, the latest chapter Options

[ConnieJ]

In February I found this forum while grieving my lost cat, Finn. I ended up writing a much too long essay, detailing the first seven days of this horrid journey of loss and anger and grief and (fill in the blank with your own feelings..I felt them all).

In that essay I gave some insights into my life with my four cats. I now have two. I lost Finn on Feb 21 and then my boy Linc was taken from me by a coyote on April 4. I had posted a lot about Finn because I was going insane with grief. By April I was doing better and only a few days before Linc died, I told the forum that I needed a break from posting not only about my own grief, but that I needed to focus on myself--I found myself wanting to help others so I offered posts to try and help, if only to let others know they weren't alone. It was draining.

Shortly after I wrote that I would be taking a break, Linc was taken from me--two beloved friends in a six week timeframe. The day Linc was taken, I actually wrote a very angry ranting post here. My anger wasn't directed at this forum, mind you, but at the Fates, the gods, the !$!$%! crappy luck ...and all the why again why Linc (who had really started filling the void that Finn left). It was so angry and I was crying and frustrated and frankly full of hate (hate at who or what I didn't know)... I was just so angry that it happened again. I deleted it after a few minutes of thought..knowing that my angry rant would not be constructive to those who didn't know of me and who may have just lost their own furball. I haven't posted since.

The two deaths were very different. Both were stolen from me...one a car accident, one a coyote. But the relationships I had with the two were different. With Finn I had (and still have) inconsolable grief. He was my child. With Linc, he was my friend..my little friend that became my new garden cat, that always wanted to be near me to get pets and slept with me on my legs every night. One made me grieve. One more made me want to give up on life because it's so unfair.

I don't know what I am writing here..or why.. I'm just finding myself sitting here as yet another wave of grief hits me. I find myself trying to give them 'equal time' but I can't help but miss Finn more. But then I feel guility about Linc because I so loved him too.

I'm okay. I really am. There are just these days sometimes now that just hit me so hard and my heart feels like it's pouring out of my chest, I'm so sad. I miss my boys. I miss my babies. I want them back now!

Thank god I have my other two, who I love deeply. But now I live in constant fear of which one will be taken from me next. This is just horrid.

I feed my cats treats every day at around 4pm. A couple weeks before Finn died, I broke on of their dishes. A week before Linc died, I broke another. Both were silly accidents. Yesterday as I was drying one of the last two of the four matching dishes, it slipped out of my hands. One dish left. This has put me in a tailspin.

Connie

[Cheryl83]

Dear Connie,

My heart absolutely aches for you after hearing of the loss of Linc, so close after your precious Finn. Please, do not, feel guilty about what you're feeling. It's okay to be angry at the world, at God, at life -- it's okay to rant, to scream, to pound the walls. You have every right to feel these things. You're going through Hell right now, and none of it makes sense, and none of it is fair. It's important that whatever it is you're feeling, you let it all out. If you try to keep it all inside it will fester and make things a hundred times worse.

We're here for you, Connie. Whatever you need to say, or whatever you need to 'rant' about, we're here to listen -- and we won't judge you. Instead, we'll hurt with you and for you. It's important that you understand that you're not alone.

Again, you shouldn't feel guilty for 'missing Finn more'. We love all our companions equally for their own unique qualities, but some of them we connect with on a whole other level. These are our 'soul animals'. This is nothing to feel shame, or guilt over, it's beyond our control. Another thing we cannot control is when it's our companions time to join the angels. We can always wreck our heads with thoughts of, "If only I'd have done this..." but we can't control everything our companions do and we can't watch them 24/7. We certaintly can't go back in time and change the past. All we can do is love them with all our heart and soul. And this you did.

I do believe that Finn and Linc have been visiting you in dreams to reassure you that they are still with you. They will always be with you, Connie. Nothing or nobody can take away the memories and the love. They are yours to keep and to cherish until it's your appropriate time to be reunited with your boys.

Please know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you can find the strength to return and let us know how you're doing.

Take care of yourself,
Cheryl xx

[ConnieJ]

I can't believe how much comfort you two have given me. When I was here in Feb/Mar, I was sorta comforted but the grief was so strong I seriously could not be comforted. Then, what I received was a 'hug', a place to take the grief out of my head and put it to paper and mostly, a shared understanding of what we are all going or have gone through. I couldn't have gotten through Finn without this forum.

Your two replies this time have given me much needed and felt comfort. I feel relief.

I didn't post about Linc until now (it's been about 6 weeks) because this time my grief was filled with anger...no, rage. It's very strange to experience two types pet of grief so close in time. One can't help but compare. It's rather surreal. I was too angry to post about Linc. I was too angry to do anything. My poor husband..it was like PMS for a month times 100 in his eyes. I don't know why exactly Linc's death made me so angry. Maybe I hate the coyote. Maybe I hate god because he took two from me. I hated the weather. I'm glad I didn't post during that time. Some things should not be put to paper. Now that the rage is gone, I can move on through the waves that have become all too familiar.

There is one more thing I want to mention. There may be some who have read my plight may wonder why I let my cats out when there are these very risks in doing so. It's a valid question. I would prefer they stay in and cuddle with me all day long. But all of my cats came to me feral, wild and they all love the outdoors. Linc and Finn in particular really enjoyed their lives outside. They would play together, play with our squirrels (and yes they played with squirrels with nests in our yard and the squirrels would literally play with them--they all loved each other--I should dig out a video of them I took a while back to share).

I was as careful as I could be. I would not let them out until late morning. They would come in for their snack at 4pm and stayed in after that. I work at home so I would monitor them as much as I could which was easy because they never went far. I could almost always see them through our big picture windows that surround our living room and they came in every ten minutes for pets--they didn't tom cat around out of sight for hours on end.

I had to make a choice between imprisoning them inside forever or to let them live the fun adventurous life they wanted. I would still make the same choice and the millions of memories I have of them would not be nearly as rich and vibrant as those of them playing in our yard, 'helping' me work in the garden or little Finn with bee bites on his nose all summer because he just loved to catch bees, if I'd chosen imprisonment.

Thankfully, my two remaining cats Joey and Sean don't like to go outside much. Joey is fat and lazy and Sean is getting old. And Now, when I do let them out I am out with them watching them, stalking them like a shadow. They never run from me, especially Sean who either just eats grass or sits in a camp share in the sun. If I'm out with them they stay with me.

So I just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks again for your words and thoughts, especially from you two. You both helped me greatly in the past and now again. I just wish I could find a way to repay you. I treasure the feeling of not having to deal with this all alone anymore.

[ConnieJ]

HI Peggy,

It seems we were writing at the same time. The end of my post referred to moonbeam and Cheryl. I hadn't seen your post yet.

Your insights about the coyote are welcome and valid. I too think that as I remember, Linc DIDN'T seem terrified. But he was still running and he was running away from the smoker. I know I know...I'm just going crazy with all the second guessing and you are very correct. Coyotes have evolved to be expert hunters and for whatever reason it was still awake and in a relatively residential area AND poor Linc just got unlucky. I just thank the gods I didn't actually see the coyote with Linc in his mouth. I'm still haunted by the memory of picking up little Finn off the street. I'm also grateful to my neighbor for letting me know what he saw so I don't have to wonder or half expect Linc to return some day. I'm the kind of person that needs facts, not hope, so I can grieve and move on. What really sucks is that Linc was really coming into his own here after losing Finn. He took up Finn's mantle and both my husband and I were really loving and cherishing him more. He was more interactive with us, more playful... Without Finn, he was the top dog and thoroughly enjoyed it. He was a sweet gentle creature that made constant eye contact with you and always wanted pets.

I really appreciated your post, and if you see mine I just posted, it's nice to have another person here who lives in these conditions and understands the environment. I hope you are doing better in your journey as well. As I recall, we lost both of our babies within a very short time of each other. We're in this together, baby!

Connie