Still Grieving Finn And Now Linc, the latest chapter Options

[ConnieJ]

In February I found this forum while grieving my lost cat, Finn. I ended up writing a much too long essay, detailing the first seven days of this horrid journey of loss and anger and grief and (fill in the blank with your own feelings..I felt them all).

In that essay I gave some insights into my life with my four cats. I now have two. I lost Finn on Feb 21 and then my boy Linc was taken from me by a coyote on April 4. I had posted a lot about Finn because I was going insane with grief. By April I was doing better and only a few days before Linc died, I told the forum that I needed a break from posting not only about my own grief, but that I needed to focus on myself--I found myself wanting to help others so I offered posts to try and help, if only to let others know they weren't alone. It was draining.

Shortly after I wrote that I would be taking a break, Linc was taken from me--two beloved friends in a six week timeframe. The day Linc was taken, I actually wrote a very angry ranting post here. My anger wasn't directed at this forum, mind you, but at the Fates, the gods, the !$!$%! crappy luck ...and all the why again why Linc (who had really started filling the void that Finn left). It was so angry and I was crying and frustrated and frankly full of hate (hate at who or what I didn't know)... I was just so angry that it happened again. I deleted it after a few minutes of thought..knowing that my angry rant would not be constructive to those who didn't know of me and who may have just lost their own furball. I haven't posted since.

The two deaths were very different. Both were stolen from me...one a car accident, one a coyote. But the relationships I had with the two were different. With Finn I had (and still have) inconsolable grief. He was my child. With Linc, he was my friend..my little friend that became my new garden cat, that always wanted to be near me to get pets and slept with me on my legs every night. One made me grieve. One more made me want to give up on life because it's so unfair.

I don't know what I am writing here..or why.. I'm just finding myself sitting here as yet another wave of grief hits me. I find myself trying to give them 'equal time' but I can't help but miss Finn more. But then I feel guility about Linc because I so loved him too.

I'm okay. I really am. There are just these days sometimes now that just hit me so hard and my heart feels like it's pouring out of my chest, I'm so sad. I miss my boys. I miss my babies. I want them back now!

Thank god I have my other two, who I love deeply. But now I live in constant fear of which one will be taken from me next. This is just horrid.

I feed my cats treats every day at around 4pm. A couple weeks before Finn died, I broke on of their dishes. A week before Linc died, I broke another. Both were silly accidents. Yesterday as I was drying one of the last two of the four matching dishes, it slipped out of my hands. One dish left. This has put me in a tailspin.

Connie

[Cheryl83]

Dear Connie,

My heart absolutely aches for you after hearing of the loss of Linc, so close after your precious Finn. Please, do not, feel guilty about what you're feeling. It's okay to be angry at the world, at God, at life -- it's okay to rant, to scream, to pound the walls. You have every right to feel these things. You're going through Hell right now, and none of it makes sense, and none of it is fair. It's important that whatever it is you're feeling, you let it all out. If you try to keep it all inside it will fester and make things a hundred times worse.

We're here for you, Connie. Whatever you need to say, or whatever you need to 'rant' about, we're here to listen -- and we won't judge you. Instead, we'll hurt with you and for you. It's important that you understand that you're not alone.

Again, you shouldn't feel guilty for 'missing Finn more'. We love all our companions equally for their own unique qualities, but some of them we connect with on a whole other level. These are our 'soul animals'. This is nothing to feel shame, or guilt over, it's beyond our control. Another thing we cannot control is when it's our companions time to join the angels. We can always wreck our heads with thoughts of, "If only I'd have done this..." but we can't control everything our companions do and we can't watch them 24/7. We certaintly can't go back in time and change the past. All we can do is love them with all our heart and soul. And this you did.

I do believe that Finn and Linc have been visiting you in dreams to reassure you that they are still with you. They will always be with you, Connie. Nothing or nobody can take away the memories and the love. They are yours to keep and to cherish until it's your appropriate time to be reunited with your boys.

Please know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you can find the strength to return and let us know how you're doing.

Take care of yourself,
Cheryl xx