Still Grieving Finn And Now Linc, the latest chapter Options

[ConnieJ]

In February I found this forum while grieving my lost cat, Finn. I ended up writing a much too long essay, detailing the first seven days of this horrid journey of loss and anger and grief and (fill in the blank with your own feelings..I felt them all).

In that essay I gave some insights into my life with my four cats. I now have two. I lost Finn on Feb 21 and then my boy Linc was taken from me by a coyote on April 4. I had posted a lot about Finn because I was going insane with grief. By April I was doing better and only a few days before Linc died, I told the forum that I needed a break from posting not only about my own grief, but that I needed to focus on myself--I found myself wanting to help others so I offered posts to try and help, if only to let others know they weren't alone. It was draining.

Shortly after I wrote that I would be taking a break, Linc was taken from me--two beloved friends in a six week timeframe. The day Linc was taken, I actually wrote a very angry ranting post here. My anger wasn't directed at this forum, mind you, but at the Fates, the gods, the !$!$%! crappy luck ...and all the why again why Linc (who had really started filling the void that Finn left). It was so angry and I was crying and frustrated and frankly full of hate (hate at who or what I didn't know)... I was just so angry that it happened again. I deleted it after a few minutes of thought..knowing that my angry rant would not be constructive to those who didn't know of me and who may have just lost their own furball. I haven't posted since.

The two deaths were very different. Both were stolen from me...one a car accident, one a coyote. But the relationships I had with the two were different. With Finn I had (and still have) inconsolable grief. He was my child. With Linc, he was my friend..my little friend that became my new garden cat, that always wanted to be near me to get pets and slept with me on my legs every night. One made me grieve. One more made me want to give up on life because it's so unfair.

I don't know what I am writing here..or why.. I'm just finding myself sitting here as yet another wave of grief hits me. I find myself trying to give them 'equal time' but I can't help but miss Finn more. But then I feel guility about Linc because I so loved him too.

I'm okay. I really am. There are just these days sometimes now that just hit me so hard and my heart feels like it's pouring out of my chest, I'm so sad. I miss my boys. I miss my babies. I want them back now!

Thank god I have my other two, who I love deeply. But now I live in constant fear of which one will be taken from me next. This is just horrid.

I feed my cats treats every day at around 4pm. A couple weeks before Finn died, I broke on of their dishes. A week before Linc died, I broke another. Both were silly accidents. Yesterday as I was drying one of the last two of the four matching dishes, it slipped out of my hands. One dish left. This has put me in a tailspin.

Connie

[ConnieJ]

and to just be more narcissitic...

I need to confess.

I never let my cats outside until the coyotes have bedded down. I let Linc out at 9:30 am, a safe time. But....

The day he was taken, I was sitting in the living room. I heard some little noise outside. I looked outside to make sure Linc was okay and I saw him by the van and he was running away like he was chasing a critter, like he does. He was okay so I went back to my computer. I forgot the fact that my husband left a smoking pork shoulder in the smoker all night.

Linc didn't come in like he does after about 15 min. I walked around the yard looking for him because it was cold out and he usually came in every 10 min or so to warm up. No Linc.

A hour later our neighbor texted my husband saying he saw a coyote with a black cat in his mouth heading for the woods. So....we attracted that coyote with our pork shoulder, and what I thought was Linc chasing a critter, was him, probably running for his life. This will haunt me till the end of my days. I should have gotten off my lazy ass when I heard that 'noise' and investigated. I could have saved him. Oh why didn't he run to the door instead of the back lot. I hate myself over and over again for all these errors.

Since they both died, I've dreamed a lot. Finn shows up a lot in my dreams and in them I know he is gone and I tell myself he is gone but I pet him and love him and know I'm saying goodbye. Linc shows up too. It's so weird that in my dreams I know both are gone so I just pet them both a lot and enjoy the moments I have... it feels so real. I wonder if others are visited by their furballs in sleep in this way.