Cat With Scc - Hard Decisions, Confusing Feelings Options

[bagel]

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and saw so much support and love here that I decided to join, and share some of my thoughts in hope that I might get some understanding and support here.

My dear cat Peaches is 16 years old, and I've had her since I was a little girl. She probably has oral squamous-cell carcinoma (a common cancer of the mouth). The vet has helped me understand that there's no cure and she doesn't have much time left with me, so the best I can do is give her meds for the pain, syringe feed her, and give her all my love until it's time to euthanize her, probably within the next week or two.

I'm really struggling because I can tell that she's in a lot of pain, but she also seems to have decent quality of life -- she still greets me at the door, purrs on my lap, loves belly rubs, snuggles with her sister, sits in windows and sunny spots, etc. But she's also showing a lot of signs of pain and decline. I know it's not time to let her go yet, but I'm having this awful feeling of almost wanting to get it over with so that I don't have to watch her suffer any more, and so that I don't have to keep guessing, "is her happiness greater than her pain? Am I being selfish for sustaining her?" On the other hand, it's also selfish of me to want to end her suffering just to get closure for myself sooner... and of course I'm not looking forward to the day that I wake up without her purring beside me, and come home from work with no demands for belly rubs.

Has anyone else had this awful conflicting-guilt ridden feeling? Did you eventually just know it was time?

Also, has anyone dealt with an SCC cat? At first the syringe feeding was easy, but now she struggles with me more. She still begs and begs for it and gets all excited when I get the a/d out, but then tries to bat my hand away when I actually give her the syringe. It's really torturous for both of us. Has anyone's SCC cat started chewing / licking herself and ripping her hair out? This is also really awful to see, and the vet thinks it's a displaced pain / anxiety response.

Finally, a more existential question... I'm agnostic, and I don't really believe in a "soul" or an "afterlife." For the first time in my life though, I'm finding myself feeling really empty because of this and really just wishing that I honestly believed that Peaches was on her way to a better place. Please, don't try to convert or "save" me, but if you have thoughts or comforting words about this I'd love to hear them.

Any kind words or thoughts you might have would be deeply, deeply appreciated. Thank you.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bagel, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in this time of Anticipatory Grief for your precious Peaches. Please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is absolutely TOTALLY normal. You and your precious Peaches are traveling a road together where you both know your earthly journey is now significantly limited. This is a time to treasure to its fullest possible extent, Bagel - - as I know you both are doing.

Your precious Peaches is letting you know that her body is transitioning now - - by beginning to refuse her food. She is in human terms a "hospice" patient. When the physical body is shutting down it cannot process foods and liquids - - and there comes a time when "force feeding" is more harmful than good. Today is 14 months since my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle joined the angels, and I, too, was syringe feeding her for her last few days. The last weekend we were together she would accept a glucose feeding I made with water and clear Karo syrup - - but that was the only "feeding" that she would accept. My goal was to keep her as hydrated as possible so that she wouldn't go into seizure from dehydration. I already had an appointment that Monday afer work to end her earthly journey - - it was time. (If you'd like you can read her story on my topic "Abbygayle's Journey").

I know this is a very difficult time for you, Bagel. Also remember this tumor is on the roof of her mouth and might begin to interfere with her ability to swallow properly - - including fluids. So this is something you will need to keep careful watch on and may be another "indicator" to you as what needs to be done for her.

Bagel, it is a very difficult "balancing act" to "know" when it is time to make "the decision." The best advice I can give you is to listen to your precious Peaches - - with your heart - - in what she is telling you with her behaviors and reactions. And please know you and your precious Peaches are NOT alone - - NEVER EVER. Each of us here do understand what you both are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

When it comes to spiritual issues, Bagel, it is not uncommon for us to experience a "belief challenge" when we are faced with a crisis situation - - as you are experiencing now with your precious Peaches. Even those who profess a deep spiritual belief can find themselves sorely tested and spiritually tormented in similar circumstances. Scientific studies have proven that every living being has an "energy" impact on other living beings and their environment. I call this "energy" a sweet Living Spirit, and I firmly believe there is a place of eternal joy beyond this physical world - - which I call "heaven." These are the words I use because they are what best describes what I believe in my heart. It is important for you to think of the words that will help you to find comfort with your sweet Peaches. Try to think of something or someplace that helps you feel the most peaceful - - what those circumstances would be - - and then find comfort in your heart that your sweet precious Peaches will be there in eternal joy as she patiently waits for you to join her at your appropriate time. Wherever our hearts are there also will be our treasure, and I know your and your precous Peaches' hearts will be forever united in eternal love. There is no greater treasure than eternal love, Bagel, be it in this life or in whatever "next life" that exists.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Peaches with us, and the wonderful picture of her. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers, Bagel, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[bagel]

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words, moon_beam. Abbygayle sounds like such a lovely kitty, and I hope you're doing ok as you grieve.

We're doing sub-cutaneous fluid injections daily to keep Peaches hydrated, so she seems to be doing more or less ok on that front (and keeping a constant weight... so far). The tumor is actually on the bottom of her mouth, under her tongue, which makes it painful and difficult for her to eat. I'll keep the sugar syrup in mind and ask my vet about it tomorrow.

Another thing that's factoring into my decision is that she spends a lot of time alone (well, with her sister) during the week. My boyfriend and I both have to work long hours, which normally isn't much of a problem, but while we're gone Peaches has taken to pulling her hair out. She'll calm down and stop when we're around to snuggle and comfort her, but going into the week I'm feel awful about having to leave her alone again. I'm going to ask a neighbor to look in on her once or twice during the day, but if she continues to tear herself up I might have to take it as a sign that we're just not able to do enough to control her pain, even though she does have her calm and happy moments.

This isn't easy... I really thank all of you for being able to make something positive of your grief and helping out the next person. It really means the world to me.