Cat With Scc - Hard Decisions, Confusing Feelings Options

[bagel]

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and saw so much support and love here that I decided to join, and share some of my thoughts in hope that I might get some understanding and support here.

My dear cat Peaches is 16 years old, and I've had her since I was a little girl. She probably has oral squamous-cell carcinoma (a common cancer of the mouth). The vet has helped me understand that there's no cure and she doesn't have much time left with me, so the best I can do is give her meds for the pain, syringe feed her, and give her all my love until it's time to euthanize her, probably within the next week or two.

I'm really struggling because I can tell that she's in a lot of pain, but she also seems to have decent quality of life -- she still greets me at the door, purrs on my lap, loves belly rubs, snuggles with her sister, sits in windows and sunny spots, etc. But she's also showing a lot of signs of pain and decline. I know it's not time to let her go yet, but I'm having this awful feeling of almost wanting to get it over with so that I don't have to watch her suffer any more, and so that I don't have to keep guessing, "is her happiness greater than her pain? Am I being selfish for sustaining her?" On the other hand, it's also selfish of me to want to end her suffering just to get closure for myself sooner... and of course I'm not looking forward to the day that I wake up without her purring beside me, and come home from work with no demands for belly rubs.

Has anyone else had this awful conflicting-guilt ridden feeling? Did you eventually just know it was time?

Also, has anyone dealt with an SCC cat? At first the syringe feeding was easy, but now she struggles with me more. She still begs and begs for it and gets all excited when I get the a/d out, but then tries to bat my hand away when I actually give her the syringe. It's really torturous for both of us. Has anyone's SCC cat started chewing / licking herself and ripping her hair out? This is also really awful to see, and the vet thinks it's a displaced pain / anxiety response.

Finally, a more existential question... I'm agnostic, and I don't really believe in a "soul" or an "afterlife." For the first time in my life though, I'm finding myself feeling really empty because of this and really just wishing that I honestly believed that Peaches was on her way to a better place. Please, don't try to convert or "save" me, but if you have thoughts or comforting words about this I'd love to hear them.

Any kind words or thoughts you might have would be deeply, deeply appreciated. Thank you.

[Peggy's Human]

Dear Bagel,

I am so very sorry you are faced with this terrible and painful decision. Many years ago, I had a 15 year old cat that suffered kidney failure. Her name was Angle and I loved her to pieces. Initially, we had to perform kitty dialysis at home but eventually, discontinued because it wasn’t really helping her. For the next week or so, I watched her for signs that she was in pain and ready to go. I know exactly what you mean about getting that feeling of ‘getting it over with’ but not wanting to let them go. I think that when we know it’s coming, it’s like being held in a suspenseful state and part of us believes that once it’s over, we’ll feel relieved that they’re out of pain and we don’t have to worry about failing them by not recognizing that ‘it’s time’. Also, it’s incredibly stressful waiting for a loved one to pass. With Angle, we reached a point where she had a very difficult night and I made the decision early that morning, after being up with her all night. When the time for the appointment rolled around later that morning, she was sitting in front of the sliding door, relaxing and watching the activity of the birds outside the door. She seemed to be better and I was really questioning my decision to end her pain that day. I struggled (translation – agonized) with the decision for quite a while and couldn’t decide what to do. A friend happened to stop by and gently asked me how I would feel if the coming night was as bad, or worse, than the previous. I finally realized that Angle was ready to go, I just wasn’t ready to follow through with my decision. I did end up taking her and I will tell you this much, as prepared as I thought I was for her to leave, I wasn’t prepared at all. It truly is the most difficult decision any of us are called upon to make. I do think that when your sweet Peaches is truly ready to go, you’ll know. There will be some sign that she no longer has any enjoyment in her life and the pain is outweighing her desire to stay with you.

I don’t know if my story was any help to you (probably not) but there are others on this forum that have had much experience with cats and cancer. I’m sure they will be much more comfort than I and have some very sage advice for you.

Please don’t worry about anyone trying to ‘convert’ you. While some of us have deeply held spiritual or religious beliefs (they are very different things – I’m spiritual but not religious), nobody pushes their belief system on another – and none of us has a clue what religion anyone here practices. We are all here because we love our animals and are seeking support in a world that often doesn’t understand how critical or beloved they are to our family units.

The best answer I can give you about Peaches essence surviving is the response I posted to Lana last week. Below is an excerpt which I just plagiarized from myself (just substitute the name Peaches where you see the name Hobbes). Hopefully it will offer a possible perspective for you to consider, without having to bring in anything that impinges on your belief system – and I totally respect your right to hold the opinion you do about spirituality and religion.
Regarding where Hobbes may be now. I respect your belief system and do not want to possibly offend with my personal opinion or push my beliefs on you so please allow me to offer a scientific perspective for you to consider. All living beings are comprised of energy and the body is just a vessel for that energy. Energy can not be destroyed but the organics which comprise the body will eventually return to their basic state. Since energy can’t be destroyed, it must go somewhere, once the organic is no longer an acceptable vessel. That being the case, Hobbes still exists, just not in a state we can see or recognize while we’re still in the physical world. I realize this doesn’t help much since there is a physical need for contact to help sooth the pain but I promise you, Hobbes does still exist and carries the love you shared.

Bagel, please know that you will be in my thoughts and I will be hoping that you find the guidance you seek. I also hope that when the time comes, you receive a clear sign from Peaches so you can move forward, guilt free. Big cyber-hug to you and I hope all of you enjoy a peaceful evening.

Peggy (the human)
P.S. If your avatar is a pic of Peaches, what a cutie and the sweetest face!