Lost My Princess Cat 2 Days Ago Options

[leejaye]

I lost my best friend of 17 years 2 days ago, she was the most beautiful courageous soul i have ever met - only a tiny little cat but with the biggest heart. I got her when i was at uni and she has been the biggest part of my life ever since, she shared everything with me, she was there in a way noone else in my life has ever been, just giving me her love, we understood each instinctively from the day we met when she was the last tiniest kitten in the pet shop. 12 months ago my Mischief cat was diagnosed with feline breast cancer, a massive shock since she had always been healthy and was desexed and should have had almost no chance of of developing this disease. Fortunately i work with my partner and we were able to arrange our work so i was able to spend most of that time caring for her, we went to the vet about 2 months ago and they were amazed at how well she was doing, especially for her age, the cancer seemed stabilised, her coat was as beautiful, shiny and soft as it had ever been. We came home and continued in all the little routines of our shared life, getting up together to get breakfast, back into bed for a cuddle, time for a drink, sitting in her favourite sunny spots in the garden - we filled the day together as often as we could. Then last week she went off her food, grew quite lethargic and wanted to drink heaps, her breathing was becoming laboured (the cancer had spread to her right lung some time back but seemed to have stabilised at some point with the meds so that she usually breathed normally) and she just wanted cuddles so we went to the vet and she told us Missy had damaged kidneys from the cancer meds, she had fluid on her lungs because her kidneys weren't processing properly, so she gave Mischief a diuretic shot to shift the fluid and sent us home with a scary looking fluids bag and line and needles for subcutaneous fluids. I spent the week giving 24 hour care, sub q fluids, meds, syringing food, trying to keep the balance between her lungs and her kidneys, she tried so hard for me, she was such a little fighter, but on Friday she could hardly breathe or walk and i did the hardest thing i have ever had to do, I held her little head and her little paw while the vets gave her the injection and just told her how much i loved her and all that she was in my life, the vet said i didn't have to stay but i couldn't let her leave without me there, i didn't want her to be scared or think that i'd left her when she really needed me, she did so much for me it was the very least i could do for her, they let me stay with her afterwards but i only stayed for about 10 minutes holding and stroking her small beautiful furry little body, otherwise i would have stayed forever. I said goodbye to my best girl, my love , my little one, and my brother and i just drove for hours he let me talk when i needed, cry when i needed, be silent when i needed, i thought i might hold up, but i got home and went to sit in her spot near the heater and i lost it, i didn't think it would feel like someone ripped a hole in me, and i know i'm crying for myself, cos i had to do this for her but damn it hurt, hurts, it actually hurts in my chest and my gut. I woke up at 3am looking for her and remembered and just started sobbing convulsively and i asked her to please stay with me alittle longer til i could cope and her dad was home (my partner who has known and loved mischief and me for 10 years had to go overseas for work just before we went to the vet that long week ago). I'ts only 2 days later and i'm still crying at unpredictable times but yesterday afternoon i was looking at my photos of her, all pictures of her in her favourite spots doing her favourite things, and i was thanking her for that and thinking of all the good stuff and i got this feeling of comfort like she was there with me, it's still with me, i slept with her blanket and little cat toy and collar again last night the bed didn't feel quite as empty as it did. I've been crying while i write this and i still don't know what to do with the day, or tomorrow or the next day without her here, quite how to fill the gigantic hole a tiny cat has left.

[Lana]

Hi Leejaye,

I understand what you're going through. I lost my 14-year-old cat, my best buddy Hobbes a little over a month ago. She had restricted cardiomyopathy, which no one knew about until she developed a paralyzing blood clot in her hind legs. Even if we had tried to save her, she would have only survived maybe a year and she would have been suffering the whole time. When it happened, it was the worst day of my life, and, like you, I was inconsolable for a very long time. I'm still grieving, but somewhat more quietly. I still feel that hole you talk about, an existential gap.

17 years is quite a long time, and I understand what you mean by "best friend". Hobbes was my best friend too. Like Mischief was so loyal and loving for you, Hobbes was also there for me when times were tough and when the humans around me were of little help. I am very sorry for your loss. However, Mischief gave you 17 years of love and affection. Now she gets to be free from pain. And who knows? She may still exist somewhere, happy and restored, her consciousness still intact and still loving you. Call it Heaven, but I believe it is possible that she has transcended her organic body and become transformed into something even greater. Energy is never lost, after all.

Still, the feelings of emotional and physical pain you describe are something I understand all too well. I know it hurts. But it's healthy. The feeling of loss is an indication of how much she truly meant to you. And don't worry; you're not alone. There are people here who will help you through your pain and show you a level of empathy and compassion I have seen in few other places. I for one can totally understand not only the crying, but sleeping with meaningful belongings. I have given special status to the blanket I last wrapped Hobbes in, and I keep two of her toys on a ledge above my bed. I sleep with the blanket, hold it often, and have even referred to it as "Hobbes" -as though something of her still exists in that blanket. I understand the need for the physical presence, something to tie our buddies to Earth. From my own experience and from others I have read, this is totally normal.

I can't tell you that the pain totally goes away. I'm still grieving myself. But I can tell you this: Mischief is always with you, and has made you the person that you are. You are a living honor to her memory. I know it hurts now, but you can find strength in this. Mischief sounds like she really was a positive force in your life. Together, we'll help you find that positive force again, and to preserve Mischief's good lessons and memories. No one here expects you to forget it, get over it or ever stop loving your Mischief. You can feel free to express yourself here and work with us to help you through your grief. No one knows how long this will take; grief is different for everyone. But no matter how long the pain stays sharp, you are not alone.

I wish you the best, and want to extend to you my deepest sympathies. Mischief was a friend of the truest kind, and will always exist as a part of you --and perhaps in another form. She will not be forgotten.

-Lana