Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[Peggy's Human]

Dear blb,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I was fighting back tears as I read your story of your sweet Bailey. I could feel the agony in every word and could relate. I am broken too and trying to find my way back. I lost my amazing Peggy 8 weeks ago tomorrow night and I recognized that your degree of heart-break was my own. I am still struggling with her loss but I can tell you that the crippling pain that takes your breath away, makes it impossible to think and makes you feel like a shell whose only purpose is to embody the pain, will slowly subside. As a wise person on this site pointed out (I can't remember who wrote it and I'm paraphrasing here) 'the body can only maintain that degree of pain for so long before it finally allows it to subside'. In the first 5 weeks or so, I thought the pain would never abate. There are still times when it's as fresh as the day she passed but for the most past, it has subsided into a very deep sadness and longing. I still cry, but not all the time. I still tell her I love her and wish her a good-night every night as I go to sleep. I know I can't talk about her without crying, so I don't, unless I'm with someone who will understand. I don't think any of us who shared that kind of special connection with our non-human family member will ever completely get over missing them but I am hopeful that we can reach a point of peace and take comfort in our wonderful memories. Like you, I was unable to sleep for several weeks, the pain was just too intense. I lost 5 lbs from the Friday it happened to the Tuesday following her passing. That Tuesday was the first day I was able to actually eat something. OMG, I can relate to what you're describing about your feelings.

I know it seems impossible but I promise you, the pain will slowly decrease in intensity. Personally, I found the wonderful people on this site to be a huge help. Even though I was usually writing through tears, writing about Peggy and sharing her with the world at large made me feel as if I were insuring she would never be forgotten. After all, the internet is 'forever' so a record of her having been here and being such a wonderful soul is now on permanent record. I want you to know that I feel and completely understand your pain. Having loved so deeply, you are feeling the pain just as deeply while having to adjust to Bailey's absence. And it's beyond brutal. But I promise you, you will come out the other side and you are not alone on this terrible journey. When you feel up to it, please let us know how you're doing and also feel free to share any stories of Bailey that you're comfortabe sharing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peggy (the human)