Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, blb, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Where you are in your grief journey is absolutely normal. Please believe me when I say that there is no way - - none - - that we can ever prepare ourselves for the physical separation from our beloved companions. Why? For one reason they are the center of our universe while they are physically with us. Another reason is they give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them with no reservation. When they join us in our earthly journey our lives are changed for the better, and when they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. Only this time we are blessed with the many treasured memories we gathered in our hearts, and these memories will eventually warm our hearts once again. But right now, blb, your heart and life is veiled in deep grief, which is very painful but is a part of this grief "adjustment" journey. I wish with all my heart that I could take this pain away from you, but I do not have that power. But I am here for you, blb, to offer you my sincerest friendship and reassurance that you are not alone in your journey, and hope that you will find some comfort in the words I share with you.

Blb, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, and unfortunately there is no easy way through it. Each of us can only travel our grief journeys at our own pace, in our own way, and in our own time. Please know that each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you with every step of your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, blb, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam