Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[moon_beam]

"Poor Bella is still staring out the window everyday and I don't know when she will accept he is gone, she is persistent."


Hi, blb, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your fur tribe are doing. I can so relate to how sad it is watching Bella looking for Bailey. My little Noah openly grieved for his big adopted kitty brother Eli for close to 2.5 years. There are still times when he gets this sad expression on his face and in his eyes and I know he is remembering his fur family members. The best thing you can do is just spend as much time as possible with your precious Bella letting her know how much you love her and how proud you are of her. Comforting your precious Bella, as well as your precious Lucy and Bianca, will also bring some comfort to you.

It is very hard, extremely hard, adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Particularly during the deep grief it feels like the gaping hole in our hearts and lives will never feel whole again. Certainly, there will always be a place in our hearts that belongs only to our individual beloved companions, and when they precede us to the angels, they take a part of our hearts with them so that they will have a part of us to hold onto until it is our appropriate time to join them. But I want to assure you, blb, that someday, probably when you least expect it, the pain you are feeling in your heart from the emptiness of not having your precious Bailey physically with you will ease, and as this pain eases, you will be able to embrace your Bailey's sweet Living Spirit and smile when you think of your precious Bailey, and talk to him just as you always have. He is forever with you, blb, in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Blb, this grief journey is truly a one day at a time journey, and it can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your furkids are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[blb2011]

"Poor Bella is still staring out the window everyday and I don't know when she will accept he is gone, she is persistent."


Hi, blb, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your fur tribe are doing. I can so relate to how sad it is watching Bella looking for Bailey. My little Noah openly grieved for his big adopted kitty brother Eli for close to 2.5 years. There are still times when he gets this sad expression on his face and in his eyes and I know he is remembering his fur family members. The best thing you can do is just spend as much time as possible with your precious Bella letting her know how much you love her and how proud you are of her. Comforting your precious Bella, as well as your precious Lucy and Bianca, will also bring some comfort to you.

It is very hard, extremely hard, adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Particularly during the deep grief it feels like the gaping hole in our hearts and lives will never feel whole again. Certainly, there will always be a place in our hearts that belongs only to our individual beloved companions, and when they precede us to the angels, they take a part of our hearts with them so that they will have a part of us to hold onto until it is our appropriate time to join them. But I want to assure you, blb, that someday, probably when you least expect it, the pain you are feeling in your heart from the emptiness of not having your precious Bailey physically with you will ease, and as this pain eases, you will be able to embrace your Bailey's sweet Living Spirit and smile when you think of your precious Bailey, and talk to him just as you always have. He is forever with you, blb, in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Blb, this grief journey is truly a one day at a time journey, and it can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your furkids are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

I just took a week off, went on a trip with a friend and Bianca, no computers where we were. Getting away was a great help but coming back home yesterday the sense of loss is still there, and it hurts. I feel it more in the mornings when I used to brush him and make sure he was ok, fed, etc. And I am feeling it today because its 3 weeks since I lost him. His last day is still like a vivid scene in my mind and its like I am trying to process my worst nightmare. I have had two dreams where I also lost Bianca and Lucy. I woke up in shock and relief to find I still have them.

I don't understand this leg of my grief journey. I am still trying to come to terms with the loss, still wondering if I could have done anything else to save him, and still feel the intense pain of his lack of presence in my life. I know it will take some time but I suppose it hurts this much in my case because he was the most precious thing in my life when he left. I always knew I would be devastated when he passed but I don't think I was ever prepared or expected this much pain. Everything has always been about Bailey and his care, and my feelings or how I would deal with them was something I never considered. I know intellectually that one day will come, "when I least expect it" when the pain will lessen but today, its like it was the day after.

So here I am trudging along this path and I am still grieving, in pain - both thankful for the time I had and wishing he was still here.

And thats where I am at right now

Blb