Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, blb, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the W O N D E R F U L pictures of your precious Bailey and Bella. What beautiful furkids! Both Sonya and Juturna have offered you the most compassionate responses I could ever hope to give, so please read them frequently and I hope they will bring you comfort and encouragement.

Blb, your precious Bella, Lucy, and Bianca are going through a grief journey as well. The dynamics of their "pack" has changed, and it will take awhile for them to establish a "new normal" as well. It doesn't matter if there are other companions in the household - - when one is no longer physically present the entire dynamics of the family unit change. It's almost as if the house structure itself also grieves the loss. Within a 39 month time frame since December 2006 my little household that used to have four beloved companions now has one sole survivor - my precious little Noah. One by one he has had to adjust to his big adopted kitty brother Eli joining the angels in December 2006, then his big adopted doggy brother Oslo in November 2009, and his beautiful sibling sister Abbygayle in March 2010. It is hard, very hard, incredibly hard, adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Our lives change for the better when they come into our lives, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. The good news is that we have their sweet Living Spirits forever with us continuing to share our lives just as they always have and always will. And we are blessed with the cherished memories we hold deeply in our hearts of our earthly journey together. The love bond we share with them is eternal - - it is always a heartbeat close to us.

Blb, thank you again so much for sharing your handsome Bailey and beautiful Bella with us. And as Juturna mentioned, whatever you decide about your precious Bailey's physical body will be the right one for you.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, blb, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam