Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[Brutus]

Dear blb,

I am so sorry for your loss of Bailey, he is beautiful, I love c0cker spaniels. I can totally relate to the pain you are feeling. I too couldn't eat, sleep, I couldn't function. The easiest way I could explain my pain is I felt completely empty and was unable to breathe. Life, and death, were smothering me. The first couple weeks I cried myself to sleep when I could sleep, I would wake with my eyes swollen shut and still sobbing. I questioned everything I'd done, and not done...the what if's will drive you crazy. Like Bailey, my Brutus had many health concerns, I spent thousands of dollars and sleepless nights, he was/is my soulmate. I guess I thought as the years past, almost 13, that he could battle anything, he was such a trooper and a fighter, I never really thought after all we'd been through that he would ever leave. But I owed him a peaceful departure, it was my duty.

I never thought that things would get better as the wonderful, caring folks on here told me. But....they were right...my tears did turn to smiles and such fond memories. I still do shed a tear, even after almost a year and a half, but my tears always turn to smiles. I could never imagine Brutus gone, but you know what?...he never left...he is here in every post I reply to, he is here helping me express myself in a way that I hope can help others, he is with me in every lake I step in to (he loved the water), he is there testing the waters with me. Bailey is with you...and will never leave, never.

I wanted to share with you some of the things I'd done to help me through the journey you are going through now.


First is a poem a wrote (I am by no means an artsy person and this is the first poem I really ever wrote, and probably the last):


My Soul Dog Brutus

There will never be another like you,
My Soul Dog that is true.

We could read each others mind, you and I,
What an honor to have you by my side.

I wish you didn’t have to go away,
I wish you at my feet, where you would always lay.

There isn’t a time I don’t remember you there,
I miss you so much it’s hard to bear.

Almost thirteen years ago we started our family,
It’s been a wonderful, full-filling journey.

Remember camping and canoeing in the backwoods?
I wish that’s something again we still could do.

You brought me back when I got us lost up north,
And how about that time at Muskegon fort?

Remember in Grayling, we all got stranded in the dunes?
It’s just not fair you have to leave us so soon.

Charity Island we did explore,
I wish we had time to do so much more.

Remember the Great Lakes and the U.P.?
God we had fun and lots we did see.

How about all those times at Hardy Dam?
We spent lazy days fishing and then we swam.

I will always remember these times so dear,
In my heart you will always be near.

You were my shadow, my rock, and my best friend,
You were loyal and loving to the very end.

We had a connection, you and I,
I’m sure one again I will never find.

I will never forget you, my Soul Dog Brutus, my dear friend,
I try to remember it’s not really the end.

We will see each other again of that I’m sure,
When my time is done and I am no more.

“Brutus”, I will call and I know you will come,
Together we can begin the journeys never done.


Here is Brutus' shelf:


Here is Brutus' painting that hangs above our sofa:


Brutus rides with me everywhere I go in my car, this is on the front of my HHR:


Finally what I put on my skin:


I also had a necklace made with a pawprint, Brutus's name/dates but I can't find a pic of it right now, I wear it every day. And a good friend made a granite stone for me with Brutus' name on it and it sits in my flower garden. Don't think I'm crazy or obsessed but these are things I did shortly after Brutus passed and it helped me, I am just someone who loved their dog very much just like you.

I will be praying for peace for you...it's a long journey, but Bailey will always be with you...you will not get over this, but you will get through it.

Many hugs (and remember to breathe)
Love,
Sonya