Broken Hearted Over Losing My Boy. Grief Is Overwhelming... Options

[blb2011]

I have been reading the posts here and think I am in the right place. The people on this board are compassionate and understanding. Not everyone where I live understand what I am going through, but most of you do here. Just telling my story seems to help.....

One day, a little more than 13 years ago, I saw a little white (buff) ##er spaniel looking at me. When I saw him, something inside me clicked, and it was like I saw someone I once knew, from before. It was like something I had never experienced before. Before I knew it, I was suddenly adopting a dog, and my life would never be the same....

Fast forward 13 years, which to me have all just blazed by, and I lost my closest friend suddenly, recently. Perhaps I am not someone who can handle grief, or loss but in my Bailey's case, I have never loved anything or anyone as much. He was, and many of you can relate, that special of a companion. He has taught me so much. Losing him has been the most devastating event of my life thus far. And sometimes I don't think I will ever be the same, or get over it, the pain is that great. I am inconsolable. Nothing seems to help, being near his bed, bowl etc is very hard right now. Crushing, agonizing pain.....

I almost lost Bailey 5 years ago to heart failure. He had pneumonia, and his vet told me he also had a Heart Problem which meant he had 6 months left. I remember feeling then as I do now. Absolutely helpless and terrified. I decided to enjoy the 6 months we had left. We went everywhere together and I cherished every moment - the way he looked at me and his ever cheerful energy. Such a sweet spirit. After 6 months, I noticed Bailey was doing very well for a dog with a terminal illness. At the 10 month mark I thanked my spiritual teacher and all the powers that be for giving me this extra time. Soon after I decided to visit a Vet Cardiologist in my area, who had some good news. Bailey had a very minor heart problem, common in 8 year old dogs, and with the proper care, he might life some years yet....

After almost losing Bailey we decided to get him a wife, a companion of his own. Soon after, he was the proud father of two little girls who are now 3, and whom remind me very much of him. For this I am thankful. Having his children does help, but the loss is still so deep........

Has anyone ever felt that time just rushes by? All those walks, rides, trips to the beach, and its like there's never enough time. One day I watched the movie, "Marley and Me" and I was as terrified of losing Bailey as I was when I thought he was about to pass away years ago. How could this ever end? It seemed perfect, what we had, the closest thing to true happiness I had ever experienced.

14 months ago I got the bad news. Bailey had entered heart failure and had 6-12 months left. Again, I cherished the time we had and he was doing so well for a now terminal 13 year old dog. He aged with grace, walked slower, but still maintained that wonderful personality I now am in tears of losing.

Ten days ago he suddenly started to cough and pant. I took him to the vet, who adjusted his meds. He improved then got worse. This time he started to pant more and could not catch his breath. I rushed him to the specialist hospital and he was put in an oxygen chamber. It was a Sunday and his cardiologist came in and told me his heart was very weak and went into an arrythmia which he would try to control. He succeeded but two days later Bailey's lungs began to fill with fluid. They tried everything. At one point I was thinking of building an oxygen chamber in the house, however, Bailey began to deteriorate. I had not slept at all and visited him every waking moment I could, at 1am, 4am 7am etc and I was so sad and shocked to find that look on his face last Thursday. He was starting to suffer. To see him that way broke me into pieces. Only those who have been in this position will understand. The pain is his and mine. I could not let him go through this. The vet came in and told me nothing more could be done, that I had "left no stone unturned". He was sinking fast so I had hours to prepare for his euthanasia. My wife, his wife and his little girls came to say goodbye and no mere words could describe the incredible pain of seeing him come into the room at the end. But his pain was killing me so I had to help him. He died in my arms, seconds after he gave me his last kiss.

And now I am broken.

Thanks for listening.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, blb, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Bailey. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions -- at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that our companions can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of angels.

Blb, thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bailey with us. This grief journey is very painful, both emotionally and physically. There is no way we can ever "get over" the physical absence of our beloved companions. It is useless to even try. Rather this grief journey is one of "adjustment" - - of establishing a "new normal" that will honor the eternal joy and love that our beloved companions bring to us during their earthly journey. It is also a "transition" journey in which we come to embrace our companion's sweet Living Spirit. The love bond we share with our companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Our beloved companions are forever with us in our hearts and memories - - they are always a heartbeat close to us. The reason why we feel like a part of us missing is because they take a part of us with them - - a part of us that belongs only to them - - so that they can have a part of us with them in heaven's perfect garden until we are united with them in eternal joy at our appropriate time.

Blb, this grief journey is often referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you every step of your journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Blb, thank you again so much for sharing your precious Bailey with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[blb2011]

Hi, blb, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Bailey. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions -- at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that our companions can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of angels.

Blb, thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bailey with us. This grief journey is very painful, both emotionally and physically. There is no way we can ever "get over" the physical absence of our beloved companions. It is useless to even try. Rather this grief journey is one of "adjustment" - - of establishing a "new normal" that will honor the eternal joy and love that our beloved companions bring to us during their earthly journey. It is also a "transition" journey in which we come to embrace our companion's sweet Living Spirit. The love bond we share with our companions is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space. Our beloved companions are forever with us in our hearts and memories - - they are always a heartbeat close to us. The reason why we feel like a part of us missing is because they take a part of us with them - - a part of us that belongs only to them - - so that they can have a part of us with them in heaven's perfect garden until we are united with them in eternal joy at our appropriate time.

Blb, this grief journey is often referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. One of the many things to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you, with you, and beside you every step of your journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Blb, thank you again so much for sharing your precious Bailey with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

Thank you so much for your kind words. That was reassuring and very helpful. I am trying my best to cope which is very hard at present. I am having a hard time eating, sleeping, and driving around. I wonder how other people wake up and go to work in these circumstances? Last Thursday it was one week ago and it was especially hard for me, this "adjustment" is not going to be easy. The Rainbow Bridge poem is helping but I wonder if it gets any easier. I keep thinking there was something else I could have done to save him. Maybe I should have acted sooner - the day before I took him to the hospital his daughter Bianca put her head in his lap when he was coughing, so even she seemed to know something was wron

But then again the reality of the situation is he is gone I have to find a way to find a balance here. During the end I was on autopilot and even now just feel numb and in shock. Eventually I am sure I'll emerge again but its going to take some time.....

On Friday his vet called and asked what I wanted to do with Bailey's body, so now I have to think about this over the weekend.


Wishing you a good weekend,

Blb