Can't Escape The Guilt, What I didn't talk about before... Options

[Tom's Dad]

I know I have danced around this before, but my guilty concience demands that I come right out with it. As I had said I said some horrible things to Tom when he would have his more severe accidents (litterally ON me or in the bed, etc) On more than one occasion I had said 'why don't you just hurry up and die'. I regretted it immediately and know I did not mean it in my heart. But it was out there, and I KNOW he understood me from the deep hurt in his eyes. Another thing I swore I'd never do but did, was give him a time out in the pet taxi that his former owner had done as punishment exactly FOR that reason. Yes, they were fairly isolated incidents, but they did happen. One of these was mere weeks before he passed. I can't help but think he finally gave up thinking I didn't really love him and what's the point and all. Or, that God made him pay the price to teach me a lesson for my mouth and bad behavior in dealing with what turned out to be his terminal illness. I can not and do not expect him to ever forgive me for these inexcusable transgressions. Ironically, as I was walking home from my bus stop deciding to post this, I saw the most amazing sunset that I had not seen the like since my childhood in Arizona. I don't know if that was some sort of sign, but I still can't escape the guilt, and I don't think I ever will

You were a G'Boy Tom, you deserved better baby.