I Need Some Support, Barney Options

[Rhapsedy]

I was on this website about a year and a half ago grieving the loss of my beautiful dog Callaway. I was devastated and felt such guilt and pain. 10 months later I was back dealing with the loss of my beautiful dog Brando. I'm back again dealing with the loss of my dog Barney. He died yesterday during an emergency surgery. Barney ate everthing in sight and he got into some installation while my husband and I were tearing down our ceiling, he was fine for a couple of months after that so I thought he just passed it but he obviously didn't. About a week and a half ago he stopped eating and wasn't going to the bathroom, I took him to the vet immediately. The vet thought he had "garbage gut" and gave him some antibiotics. He didn't get better so I took him back 2 days later. The vet kept him so she could do bloodwork and x-rays. The first x-ray showed part of the intestine was bigger than normal so she gave him some barium to try and help pass the blockage. After awhile she did anothe x-ray and the intestine loooked normal. After having him for a couple of days she decided to send him home thinking that he would get better. He didn't get better so I took him back, she kept him for a day and gave him some fluids. He seemed a little better so sent him home again and said if he wasn't better in a couple of days that she wanted to do surgery. He didn't get better so we scheduled the surgery for this Tuesday. My husband took him into the vet that morning and he seemed much better. My husband called me and said that we could wait another 24 hours to do the surgery since Barney was feeling better. I told him to ask the vet what she would do if it were her dog and she said she would wait. So we brought him back home and he got really bad that night and by morning he could hardly walk. The vet did surgery yesterday morning to clean out his intestines but when she cut him open a bunch of fluid poured out, his bowel had obstructed. She repaired the intestines and when she started to sew him back up she lost him but brought him back, a few minutes later she lost him for good.

I am devasted again! I wish I would have done the surgery sooner! I am feeling guilt again and don't feel like I can go through this pain and guilt one more time.

A little history on Barney. He was at Animal Control and was going to be put to sleep that day. I went to rescue him planning on finding him a home but after one day I was in love with him. He was a problem child. He bit me 5 times and my husband and mom 3 times. He really wasn't a mean dog he was seriously mentally challenged. I have spent thousands of dollars on him trying to figure out how to "fix" him. I had taken him to 3 different neurologists and they couldn't figure out why he acted the way he did. I think maybe he was born that way or maybe he had a head trauma that caused his mental issues. He really did have a good soul and deserved a good life. I tried to give that to him but ended up letting him down by not making the right choices for him.

I had to leave this forum a few months back because I felt overwhelmed by what other people were going thu with their loss. I was pretty active for several months after my two other dogs died but finally had to stop responding to others. The reason I'm saying this is because I feel bad that I'm on here again asking for help when I should have been on here all along helping others.

Thank you for listening.

[merlin96]

Dear Rhapsedy,

I meant to post sooner but time unfortunately got away from me. I hope you are doing a bit better since losing Barney a few weeks ago. I am so sorry for your loss. Your post particularly caught my eye because if I understood your description of Barney, I think my Sam was a bit like that too. He bit me twice, once very badly. After consulting with many behaviorists (all who advised me to put him down), and with pressure (putting it mildly) from my ex-husband, I sent Sam to live at a no-kill sanctuary. It wasn't a bad place, but it wasn't home. So I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You didn't let Barney down. Quite the opposite - you kept him when most people wouldn't have. You tried to figure out how to help him. You loved him and gave him a good home. And when he needed veterinary care, you got it for him and followed the advice that was given to you. I think for some reason, it's natural for us to want to blame ourselves when we lose our beloved animals and you have lost three in quick succession. But you don't deserve blame - you deserve praise. I'm so sorry for your losses and I only hope you can somehow survive the grief you are feeling. Please don't blame yourself because you don't deserve it. Barney was lucky to have such a loving and compassionate owner. Take care. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Valerie

[ConnieJ]

I can't add much more than what others have so eloquently expressed.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

And faced with the same choices under those same conditions you would do the same thing. There are no rules to this 'game'. We make the best decisions we can with the information we have. As long as they are made with love and compassion, they are the right ones. Some times they simply just aren't enough.

I'm realizing now that the first week after losing a loved pet friend is the absolute worst. You can't help but second guess, doubt, want to place blame, want to find some meaning for the undescribable pain... It's just how it is. And it really sucks.

I'm finding that just accepting the fact that some times life just plain sucks (for all humans in this world) is our fate. Despite the terrible sense of loss, perhaps we become better people after enduring such a loss. And maybe that's why invite these nonjudgemental, always loving little pets in our lives.

I know that does little to reduce the pain. But in time, I promise you will feel okay again. Our babies wouldn't want us to suffer, I know that. So, at least in my case, I'm trying to learn from my little fur boy, who loved living every second of his precious life. I strive to be more like him.

ConnieJ

PS one more thing...

you wrote:
I had to leave this forum a few months back because I felt overwhelmed by what other people were going thu with their loss. I was pretty active for several months after my two other dogs died but finally had to stop responding to others. The reason I'm saying this is because I feel bad that I'm on here again asking for help when I should have been on here all along helping others.

I'm newbie here but I feel comfortable in saying that there are obligations or requirements here. Those in grief are allowed to give and take as needed. Some only post once when they are sad and need support and that's what's it's here for. Others contribute more because I think they benefit in their own grief process by helping others. It doesn't matter because everyone is different. And this is how it should be, thanks to the moderators for this outlet. Stop beating yourself up. The love you've shown your baby clearly demostrates you are caring, loving person and are welcome in whatever capacity you feel. I'm giving you a little hug in my mind