Barney, My Guilt is Justified Options

[Rhapsedy]

I went to my psychologist last night and it didn't go well. I was telling her how I feel guilty about letting Barney use the doggie door even after he was sick and she said or kind of yelled really, "well yah, you should have crated him!" I just looked at her with my mouth hanging open, I couldn't believe what she blurted out. I feel just awful! I was wrong to let him go out the doggie door because who knows what he got into! I am just sick to my stomach and back to day one with the way I felt when Barney died. I know you guys have to be sick of my pathetic cries for help but I really needed to tell someone this. I didn't think he would get into anything because he wasn't eating food and maybe he didn't get into anything, but maybe he did. I was totally irresponsible and will never forgive myself for being so careless.

[Peggy's Human]

Dearest Rhapsedy,

I sit here yelling NO, NO, NO at the computer screen through my tears. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND SHE IS NOT QUALIFIED TO HELP ANYONE! First, your psychologist is in the wrong line of work - by a LOT and you need to find someone who knows that counseling is about helping a person through their difficult times - NOT helping them beat themselves up for not being psychic. I'm no expert in psychology and I am not a practicing psychologist but I am in mid-life, have been a natural observer of human behavior my entire life and WAS an over-acheiving Clinical Psychology Major and I will tell you 2 things right now. First, some of the most screwed up people I've ever met in my life where the Psych Professors. Many of them were incapable of connecting on a 'normal' level and wouldn't miss a chance to take a cheap shot at someone. One used humiliation in the classroom as a 'learning tool'. and she was a flipping Psychiatrist, not just a Psychologist. I was in my late 20's when I went back to school so I had the wisdom and experience to watch their dysfunctional behavior and evaluate it with a level of perspective most younger students didn't have. I will tell you right now, the expression 'those who can do, those who can't teach' came into my head on a regular basis. Some of the LEAST empathetic and MOST harsh and judgemental people I have ever met are in that field. And you, my gentle hearted, sweet friend seems to have found one of them.

Second, short of being one of the best psychics to ever hit the planet, there is no way you could have anticipated what was going to happen. I beg you, please take what I'm saying to heart. I know that she, as the 'expert' has a level of credibility those of us out in cyberspace don't possess but I swear to you, I know what I'm speaking of. Even if life experinece weren't enough, my grades were more than high enough for me to have easily gotten work in that field if that was what I wanted, so I am well aware of the various counseling methods. What she said to you is wrong, unprofessional and just plain cruel. This is not a case where you're a narcissistic personality who deliberatly hurts others and needs to learn different behavior (people with that disorer rarely go for counseling). That would be one of the rare times a counseler would help them point the finger towards themselves in an effort to help them to see what they're doing. However, in a case like this, that would STILL BE WRONG. This is a case where you simply didn't have the ability of second site to prevent the tragedy. Please, please think about what she said and recognize the cruelty behind that superior, judgemental, unreasonable statement. Seriously, what decent human being says something like that? She is clearly not in touch with what you're feeling (her failing, it's her job to connect) or if she was, she deliberatly kicked you again when you were already down and going to her for help. Both cruel and unprofessinal. She needs counseling herself to determine why her hostility is being directed at a vunerable person. Her job and alleged training is to help, not to inflict further damage with cruel and unfair judgements. She abused the trust you placed in her. That is her failing, not yours. Her behavior is unacceptable and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

There are times when it's necessary to help a person take responsibility in order for them to move forward. This is not the situation you have going on here, there is nothing for you to assume responsibility for. I personally don't agree that you should have automatically crated Barney because he wasn't feeling well. I don't know how he handled the crate but I can tell you that Peggy was held in a cage for years and was abused and neglected by the first people she lived with. She was never crated again after she came to me. For her, crating was torture and it reinforced all her fears. Going by what your counseler said, I should have been crating her for (almost) 6 years to protect her every time there was potential danger or I thought she was unwell. In her case, that would have been almost every day. Think of it this way, if you have kids, do you force them to stay in bed every time they get the sniffles? I don't have kids but I don't know 1 person who does that because it's not reasonable. Is it possible the sniffles can turn into something much more serious? Of course but it's rare and someone is not a bad parent for allowing their child to get out of bed and play when they're a little under the weather. Same thing with Barney. If he felt too sick to go out, he would have stayed in the house. Animals are often much better than people at recognizing when they should lay low for a while. Had you held him in the crate, he may have been stressed and that would had added to his situation. And here's something I just realized, his intestines were impacted so I'm sure walking helped his condition. Laying down is usually not the best thing to do when the intestines are trying to move something out. So, you actually did what was best for him, allowed him to move around.

Rhapsedy, you deserve much better care than you've gotten from your counseler. You may want to consider finding one who is capable of empathy or at the very least, one who keeps their unresonable and judgemental opinions to themselves. My wish for you is that you can find a counseler who has the same gentle, compassionate heart you possess. You deserve no less. I strongly recommend you re-evaluate the counseler you are currently seeing and determine if she's truly helping you. She inflicted pain and apparently was not astute enough to recognize that your dropped jaw was a good indicator that she had hurt you and that she should try to fix what she had done. Or maybe she did and she's just an unfeeling, cruel person deep down inside. This event has my Irish/American blood boiling. I have no tolerance for people who deliberatly hurt others (human or animal) and if you unintentionally hurt someone, you need to be paying enought attention to notice that and try to fix the damage you've inflicted. Her treating you in such a callous manner has me enraged. You need someone who can help you move forward and release the guilt. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong. Please try to let go of what that unfeeling person said and remember that because of you, Barney had a joy filled life - that is evident in the picture of him. He loved you, was loved in return and received the best care you could find for him. If we could all just find someone who would treat us as well as you treated Barney, what a wonderful life we would all have.

My Mom popped by my home office (aka, the dining room) a few minutes ago and wants you to know you will be in her prayers, which she's starting right this minute. She was also a psych major and completely agrees with my assessment of your counseler. She said to send you her love and blessings and she's going to pray for your heart to be lightened. I will add my prayers and wishes as well.

big cyber-hug to you (actually, take your hands off the keyboard, close your eyes, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze). That's a comforting hug from both Mom and I.

Take care and please let me know how you're doing.

Peggy (the human)