I Need Some Support, Barney Options

[Rhapsedy]

I was on this website about a year and a half ago grieving the loss of my beautiful dog Callaway. I was devastated and felt such guilt and pain. 10 months later I was back dealing with the loss of my beautiful dog Brando. I'm back again dealing with the loss of my dog Barney. He died yesterday during an emergency surgery. Barney ate everthing in sight and he got into some installation while my husband and I were tearing down our ceiling, he was fine for a couple of months after that so I thought he just passed it but he obviously didn't. About a week and a half ago he stopped eating and wasn't going to the bathroom, I took him to the vet immediately. The vet thought he had "garbage gut" and gave him some antibiotics. He didn't get better so I took him back 2 days later. The vet kept him so she could do bloodwork and x-rays. The first x-ray showed part of the intestine was bigger than normal so she gave him some barium to try and help pass the blockage. After awhile she did anothe x-ray and the intestine loooked normal. After having him for a couple of days she decided to send him home thinking that he would get better. He didn't get better so I took him back, she kept him for a day and gave him some fluids. He seemed a little better so sent him home again and said if he wasn't better in a couple of days that she wanted to do surgery. He didn't get better so we scheduled the surgery for this Tuesday. My husband took him into the vet that morning and he seemed much better. My husband called me and said that we could wait another 24 hours to do the surgery since Barney was feeling better. I told him to ask the vet what she would do if it were her dog and she said she would wait. So we brought him back home and he got really bad that night and by morning he could hardly walk. The vet did surgery yesterday morning to clean out his intestines but when she cut him open a bunch of fluid poured out, his bowel had obstructed. She repaired the intestines and when she started to sew him back up she lost him but brought him back, a few minutes later she lost him for good.

I am devasted again! I wish I would have done the surgery sooner! I am feeling guilt again and don't feel like I can go through this pain and guilt one more time.

A little history on Barney. He was at Animal Control and was going to be put to sleep that day. I went to rescue him planning on finding him a home but after one day I was in love with him. He was a problem child. He bit me 5 times and my husband and mom 3 times. He really wasn't a mean dog he was seriously mentally challenged. I have spent thousands of dollars on him trying to figure out how to "fix" him. I had taken him to 3 different neurologists and they couldn't figure out why he acted the way he did. I think maybe he was born that way or maybe he had a head trauma that caused his mental issues. He really did have a good soul and deserved a good life. I tried to give that to him but ended up letting him down by not making the right choices for him.

I had to leave this forum a few months back because I felt overwhelmed by what other people were going thu with their loss. I was pretty active for several months after my two other dogs died but finally had to stop responding to others. The reason I'm saying this is because I feel bad that I'm on here again asking for help when I should have been on here all along helping others.

Thank you for listening.

[Juturna]

Dear Rhapsedy,

The guilt, sadness, and pain are all part of this grieving journey. The tears are serving a purpose to wash away the pain. As painful as it is, we ususally need to walk through it, one day at a time or one hour at a time. My heart understands how you feel consumed by the the feelings, and I share your tears. Please know you are not alone.

With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna